The most common whiny guy thing I hear is, “I just want to be myself.” Here’s a reality check; you would already have what you want if being yourself worked.
It’s almost nauseating to write about this topic because people should know already that you’re not going to get what you want by doing the same thing which doesn’t get it.
As Einstein put it, “We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.” The same thinking that you’re using right now which isn’t getting you the results you desire is going to keep you where you are. Lonely weekends, frustration as you see another attractive women walk away, and way too many nights out with the boys.
“But why can’t women just like me the way I am?” That question is a surefire mindset to be alone, forever. Seriously, you have to get out of whiners mode and into proactive ‘What can I do right now to become a better man?’ mode in order to solve this puzzle.
It’s not that you’re not a good person but the chances are that you’re missing some skills, confidence and finesse which would grease your social wheels and make it easier to connect with women.
If you’re not willing to change then you should stop complaining and resign yourself to hanging out with guys in bars, standing around your table with your eyes creeping around while you hold your beer in front of your chest. Sure, you’ll talk about plenty of girls with the boys, but the only girls you’re going to see naked will be on your computer screen when you go home alone.
Here’s a question for all of the “I just want to be myself” guys out there. How many skills were you born with? Did you know how to speak English before learning? Didn’t you have to go to school to learn new job skills and applicable knowledge?
You weren’t born with any skills or expertise but you did learn new ones as you grew up. Now the question is why did you decide to stop learning and “just be myself”?
If you wanted a job as a carpenter you would of first had to go to trades school and learn from a qualified carpenter, experientially on the job. After four years you could graduate with the technical expertise they taught you at trades school as well as the hands on knowledge you learned from an expert on the job.
I’ve never heard of a guy applying for a job as a carpenter, who didn’t know carpentry, only to turn around and say “Why can’t they just hire me the way I am?”
No high quality woman is going to accept your ‘resume’ if you haven’t already learned what you need to know, so stop whining and start learning.
Here is a list of things that I also hear way too often coming from guys who are unwilling to change to get what they want.
1. Why can’t women just like me for who I am?
Who you are isn’t the kind of guy they want. You may be missing some interpersonal skills, confidence, or it may just boil down to a lack of experience. Experience is the mother of all lessons.
2. But I’m a good person.
I’m sure you are but what can you offer of value? Just existing and not doing bad things is not a qualification for women to want to be with you. If you can’t make women feel good emotionally then you’re not going to get the kind of relationships you want, period.
3. Isn’t learning all of these dating skills just manipulation?
In a nutshell, no. Is it manipulation to learn how to do a job interview, public speaking, or any other person to person communication skill? Is it manipulation to challenge your fears by doing things which are scary so that you can become more confident? You can learn to do things in a way which women find attractive, or you can keep communicating in a way which turns women off, that’s your choice.
You could certainly become a sweet talking con artist but that has nothing to do with learning psychology and communication skills, that has to do with the kind of person you are on the inside.
Learn the powers of influence for good or for bad, it’s your choice. The main thing that gets a womans attention isn’t even the technical aspects of dating, like what to say or when to kiss, it’s the confidence that you exude underneath it all. Often that can come from knowing what works, but it also comes from having challenged major fears.
Asking if learning dating skills is manipulation is almost like saying getting in shape is manipulating women because they will like a fitter guy instead of an out of shape guy.
This question almost begs the reply; are you intentionally trying to do things the opposite of the way they work? Life is easier when you don’t sabotage your own best interest.
4. Isn’t that being pushy? (Leading)
No, women aren’t interested in a guy who ask them every single detail and needs permission to do anything. When planning a date you set the when, where and what. Obviously there will be an intersection for flexibility on time/place and activity because not everyone is going to like everything, but the point is you have to be willing to set the tone without fear of disapproval.
Approval seeking guys are immature males who don’t have leadership qualities and afraid of hearing “no”. Suck it up, buttercup.
5. But that’s just not me
Anything which you haven’t experienced yet, learned, or challenged yourself to is not you. Open your mind to the possibilities and stop using counterproductive language which is sure to keep you running in circles. It will become you when you decide to be more than you currently are.
More often than not, guys who complain about women not liking them for who they are are making excuses for not becoming better men.
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I'm the founder of Conquer & Win, and since 2011 I've been helping guys get into great relationships, build their core values as men, and become confident. I'm published on Lifehack, Order of Man, POF and many more. I want to help you get socially confident and live to your full potential. Feel free to contact me here.
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