The definitive guide to talking to women and not weirding them out.
Have you ever really wanted to talk to a girl but you were worried about being “creepy?’ Maybe she was walking down the street, or standing in line at the coffee shop, but you stood there just staring at her. You probably felt like you couldn’t come up with something “not weird” to say, right?
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If so, keep reading. I’m going to break down the reasons guys feel creepy, and how you can start feeling like a boss instead.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “How do I flirt without being creepy?” or “How do I approach girls without being creepy?” then you’ve already put the brakes on your own progress. This is called self-sabotage.
Why?
Because this question is part of the problem. It’s a projection of how a guy feels about himself. It also becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. The reason is that if you’re focusing on not being “creepy,” then you can’t be confident.
This Redditor got it right:
Too many of you guys are obsessed with possibly being seen as creepy (which make you seem creepy, ironically enough). […] If someone likes you they are not going to think you’re creepy, but if they don’t like you even giving them a compliment can be “creepy”(source: experience). You people obsessed with being seen as creepy are fu**ing with your own heads.
Nailed it, especially in the last line. Worrying about being creepy is going to mess with your own head. That in itself will lead to all sorts of weird behavior. You can’t have a great conversation if you’re thinking negatively about yourself.
Another part of the equation is that you’re never going to be able to please everyone. No matter what you do some women will find it creepy. If she likes you it will be harder to creep her out.
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This is important to understand so you can learn what triggers it.
Causing an unpleasant feeling or fear or unease.
It’s that simple. Nothing mystical or vague, just discomfort.
The easiest way to make her feel “unpleasant,” “fearful” or “uneasy” is by altering your behavior trying to be normal or cool. This will make you look fake. Being fake will make her think you’re hiding something. That tells her that you’re not to be trusted.
This will make anyone uneasy. No one wants to turn their back on someone who may have ulterior motives.
By worrying about it you’re going to make her uncomfortable because she’s reading your discomfort. This is also called “being awkward.” By being comfortable you won’t come across as awkward or fake.
Don’t worry though, I’m not going to tell you to “be yourself.” Some practical advice is coming up.
First, some behaviors which will make you look creepy and what to do instead.
In conversation:
Out of conversation:
I’ve never worried about weirding women out because I’ve always felt secure about myself. I know I bring value to the table when I talk to them. I also know that my social skills are solid and I can communicate my intentions clearly. Even when I started to learn how to approach women the thought just never came up. Even though I was very nervous it was the last thing on my mind.
The fear of being a creep is insecurity. It’s expressed as concern for her feelings but that concern is misplaced. It’s really about you. A confident man with social skills has nothing to worry about.
That insecurity takes attention away from where it should be, the woman you want to talk to. That will put you in a bad headspace and you won’t open a conversation with her. Even if you manage to get into a conversation with her it’s going to be awkward because you’re not paying attention to what she’s saying. You’re thinking about yourself and wondering what she thinks about you.
If you can’t redirect your attention she’s not going to think anything good. It’s not possible to have a good conversation while focusing on yourself.
It’s the same as riding a motorcycle. When going around a corner or turn you have to look at the direction you’re going, not straight ahead. If you look straight ahead, something called “target fixation” can happen. That could be a disaster.
Motorcyclists who experience target fixation are in danger of crashing. The reason is that the bike will go in the direction you’re looking at. It’s exactly the same as when you’re focused on “not being creepy.” Ironically, you’ll act creepy because it’s where you’re putting your attention.
Here are two big ways you can change your focus:
Instead of focusing on yourself, focus on the girl you’re talking to (or want to talk to). This will get you out of the headspace where everything is about you. Then you’ll be learning about her and who she is. What makes her tick, her interests, and whether or not you’re even interested in her in the first place.
She may not be that great so don’t build her up in your head before getting to know her. Looks are deceiving and superficial. Yes, they’re still important but they say nothing about a woman as a person.
Learn conversational skills through practice and especially by becoming a good listener. This way you can repeat back to her what she said in your own words. This lets her know you were listening and that you understand what she’s saying. It also allows you to build on the conversation. I wrote about how to keep a conversation going here.
Also check out Vanessa Van Edwards’ slideshare about conversing at events.
It’s one thing to focus your attention where it should be, thereby diverting your attention from where it shouldn’t be. But it’s even better when your attention is diverted from you insecurities because they’re not an issue. Not even a thought.
To do that, get confident.
Here’s how.
Train yourself by talking to women, and by taking skills training, you’ll start building experience. Experience will develop competence, and competence will build confidence.
Since you want to meet women, that’s going to be number one. Secondary is anything that will train your social skills and ability to handle social pressure, like public speaking.
By facing your fears they will diminish. In psychology this is known as exposure therapy. Through repeated exposures to awkwardness, you’ll soon become comfortable. In the dating world this translates into you not being creepy.
This is the biggest anti-creep pill you could take. Worrying about making women uncomfortable is mostly fear about not being good enough. Could you imagine ‘The Rock,” who was just named “Sexiest Man of the Year,” talking to women and getting rejected for being creepy? I couldn’t.
Confidence-building is a long term project, so commit to the big picture. However, there are a few things you can do to get a burst of courage when you need it.
Nervousness can make a fool out of anyone. That’s why it’s important to have emotional control and relieve anxiety when you need to perform.
Here’s what to do when you need the balls to perform:
Check out Wikipedia’s post for more about calming yourself during an anxiety attack. There are some good breathing exercises in there plus a few more on how to take control of your nerves.
Another way to come across as creepy is by being unable to read others. Pay attention to body language. If she’s moving away don’t move closer. If she leans away, she’s not comfortable. When you learn to read the signs it’s easier to make women comfortable and create a connection. They’ll feel at ease when you introduce yourself.
Body language can be confusing so mostly pay attention to proximity. Discomfort isn’t necessarily bad though. She may be intimidated, the same way we get intimidated by hot women. Just proceed accordingly and let her warm up to you (or walk away).
If you replace your fears with confidence you’ll never have to worry about being “creepy” when you approach women again.
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Nobody has ever called me creepy or anything remotely similar - in fact women always seem genuinely happy when I introduce myself and strike up a conversation with them. I have women friends who tell me repeatedly that I am definitely *not* creepy and that I understand women better than most guys. In fact, women regularly ask me if I'm in a relationship and are surprised when I tell them I've always been single. Irrespective of my friends' and others' kind words, I have always believed that with women I'm attracted to, asking for what I want (a kiss, a date, etc.,) would be creepy / offensive, and as such, I have never told any woman what I want. When I ask women friends of mine *how* to express interest, they say the usual things - "just ask her", "escalate with flirting", "break the touch barrier", etc., - none of which I feel I can do because I'm certain my doing so would be offensive.
Hi Allen, definitely don't "ask" for a kiss, just kiss her. But when you want a date it's important to be assertive and ask out the women you want. The idea about being offensive is just "nice guy" insecurity. Start practicing being assertive and expressing what you want.
“Just kiss her”. Really…? That’s a definite harassment no go for guys like me. Attractive guys can get away with that - but for those of us who are fundamentally unattractive - the risk is huge. And, express what [I] want - why? I’ll never get what I want (when it comes to dates or sex) because no woman could ever see me as a sexual person, so there is no justification to try.
Creepy or not, confident or not, advising guys to actually ask a woman out is telling them to risk being charged with a criminal offence. Just flirting with *any* woman in Western society could be – and often is – construed as sexual harassment. I’m an extreme introvert, and have never tried to flirt in the first place – I am certain I’d be an abject failure no matter how many times I tried. Added to this, the very real potential for legal issues to arise from my trying to show a woman my interest in her takes it out of the realm of the possible
Interesting that you would hold a perspective like this in the complete absence of experience.
Although it's true there is a risk that someone might think you're harassing them, the risk outside of the workplace is minimal. It's manageable and further diminishes the more your emotional intelligence increases, and the more social skills you have in your tool belt.
Managing risk is intelligent. Avoiding risk is cowardice.
I've approached thousands of women, know other guys who have too, and have been training guys for over 6 years, and nobody has ever had legal issues - never. It sounds more like you've given yourself a convenient rationalization to avoid hurting your ego for not trying.
By avoiding failure you've already failed. It's an unfortunate irony. It's unlikely this is the only area of life that you're avoiding since these kinds of mindsets tend to overshadow everything we do.
It's a fixed mindset which says, "I can't learn". Is it really true that you're unable to learn a new social skill or build confidence? What makes you so special that you can't learn?
You mention being an introvert, well good, so am I. Introversion is not an impediment to being social but many people use it as an excuse. It's more accurate to label it insecurity, not introversion.
The news media has blown the "harassment" claims way out of proportion because that's what makes money. You only see people complaining or some ideologue ranting about men because that gets clicks. It's a concentration of garbage which distorts realty.
For every bad piece of news there's thousands of positive untold stories. New relationships and romances start everyday. Guys ask women out and women accept invitations for dates. It's not criminal. Contrary to the what news media often portrays, not every woman believes men are out to get them. Most women want to be approached by guys who have some social skills.
There's a lot of awesome stuff out there if you're willing to explore the world and learn new things.
Thanks for visiting the blog.