Conquer & Win

How to Approach Women (21 Dating Tips)

How to approach a woman

If you've ever wondered what to say when approaching an attractive girl, this is your guide.

Learn how to:

  • Approach women
  • Get more dates
  • Start conversations
  • Know what to say and talk about
  • Build your confidence
  • Avoid being "creepy"
  • Approach girls for relationships
  • Talk to women at work
  • Overcome shyness

and more!

Download this guide as a PDF: Click here!

Keep reading to change your love life. Click the subtopic in the menu below and skip ahead for the approach tips you want.

Also check out: How to meet women everywhere | How to be a man (Jack Donovan interview) | How to win any negotiation


Part 1: How to walk up to a girl and start a conversation (Start here!)

Part 2: What do you talk about when you approach a girl? 

Part 3: How to approach a lady for a relationship

Part 4: How do I start a conversation with a girl at work? 

Part 5: How to approach a girl at HER work  

Part 6: How to approach a lady on the phone 

Part 7: How to approach a girl on the street and get her number

Part 8: How to get a woman interested in you 

Part 9: How to pursue a woman without being creepy 

Part 10: How to text a girl for the first time 

Part 11: How can I get rid of my shyness and approach women?

Part 12: How can I overcome my shyness to approach women who are checking me out? 

Part 13: How to approach older women 

Part 14: How can I overcome approach anxiety when it comes to talk to women I like? 

Part 15: How do I approach an attractive women in college?

Part 16: How to overcome fear of rejection and approach women in clubs?

Part 17: How to approach women in the gym? 

Part 18: What are the odds that a girl will harshly reject me if I approach her in a public space?

Part 19: How to approach women at parties?

Part 20: How do Asian and black women like to be approached by white men? 

Part 21: What is the best way to approach women in groups? 

Part 22: Some More Approach Tips 


Get more from your dating experience. Attractive singles are waiting.

If you’re tired of trying to figure out women and dating, isn’t it time to try something new?

vancouver girls
  • Save

Tell Me More About Coaching

Part 1 Top^

How to walk up to a girl and start a conversation

This is how to talk to a girl who’s walking down the street:

  1. First, attempt to make eye contact. It’s not a deal-breaker if she doesn’t notice you, but if you make eye contact first it can warm up the approach.
  2. Walk up to her and say “excuse me” as if you were asking for directions.
  3. Stop walking and expect her to follow your lead. If she doesn’t stop then let her go. You should always leave an “exit” for any woman you approach.
  4. Now tell her why you walked up to her. Usually, a simple compliment is good, but don’t overdo it or dwell on her looks.

Tweet: “Guys don’t realize women think about things like exit routes. If you corner us in some way, we’ll feel frightened, not receptive.”

How to make it better:

  1. Smile when you first get her attention
  2. If she doesn’t stop you can keep talking. Many women will stop if you hold your ground and go right into it. It’s also important that she follows your lead from the beginning. Otherwise, now you’re following her lead, and women are not attracted to men who can’t lead. Her stopping when you stop is the beginning.
  3. Use a “mini story” (see below) immediately after opening. Usually, just jumping into a compliment isn’t good enough to hold a woman’s attention. She’s still thinking about where she’s going and isn’t completely focused on you. Blurting out a compliment will often put up a woman’s defenses, and the automatic reaction is to walk away. With a mini story” you’ll have her full attention and interest.

The “mini story”

The mini story is all about painting a picture and getting a “hook point” or drawing her in. It creates curiosity, eliminates distractions, and avoids any conditioned reactions.

Download this guide as a PDF: Click here!

Tell her exactly what was happening right before you came up to talk to her. One of my coaching students called it “the hero’s journey.”

It would go something like this, “Excuse me, I was going to lunch and wasn’t sure if I should do this. I’m already late, but I noticed you walk by. So I ran back across the street, dodged traffic and a small chihuahua to come say hi. I thought you look great!”

While you’re explaining the story she’s going to want to know the conclusion. Now you have her full attention and can start a conversation.

Part 2 Top^

What do you talk about when you approach a girl?

OK, so you’ve approached her, used the mini story and gave her a compliment.

Now what?

As one man put it:

“You really have to learn to go with the flow and not plan things out. Say exactly what you’re thinking and don’t second guess yourself.”

Don’t try to script out an entire conversation with a woman you haven’t even met yet. You don’t know anything about her. It’s impossible to plan for every possible answer and question that she might have. You’ll also get stuck in your head and end up not talking to her at all.

There are precious few seconds to say “hi” when an attractive woman appears. If you’re already thinking about the entire conversation then it’s not going to happen.

Worse yet, trying to script a conversation makes you look like a robot. Last I heard, most women aren’t in the market for a robot.

The best kind of conversation is going to be organic. That doesn’t mean you have to be a leaf in the wind though. Instead, learn conversation structure, or the snowball technique.

The basic format is this: 1. A ‘what’ question, and 2. A ‘why’ question

  1. Talk about her: Don’t worry about coming up with a topic; it’s standing in front of you. People like talking about themselves so use this psychology to your advantage.
  2. Ask a question: There’s lots of flexibility here but I always start with, “What do you do?”
  3. Repeat back to her: When she answers, repeat back to her what she said, but in your own words.
  4. Find out “Why”: Now ask her “why” she does what she does. This part is crucial. It will help you to avoid topic-hopping. Superficial conversations won’t create a connection.
  5. Repeat: When you find out “why” she does what she does, all sorts of other topics will open up. Not only will this keep the conversation going, but you’ll also learn a lot about her.

How to make it better:

  1.  Do a cold read: Make your opening question more conversational by making a cold read. This is something you can inject humor into, or even tease her, but that’s not necessary. Instead of saying, “What do you do?” add, “You look like a yoga teacher; what do you do?” When you get good at this your guesses will become accurate.
  2. Preventing an ‘interview’ by adding your opinion: If you keep asking questions it will turn into an interview. When she tells you what she does, first add your opinion on the topic, “Wow, you’re a nurse? I’ve heard it can be stressful. Nurses always have to do weird split shifts, working four days and then four nights. That would ruin my sleep pattern.” Then finish with your “why” question: “So why did you get into nursing?”

Why it works:

When people open up, it creates feelings of trust and connectedness.  The deeper you go into someone’s life, the more they have to open up. That creates vulnerability. When we make ourselves vulnerable to others we often feel “chemistry.”

One of the biggest problems I’ve seen with my clients is topic-hopping. That prevents any connection because the conversation is superficial. She hasn’t opened up, and won’t feel anything as a result.

Tweet: Trying to script a conversation makes us look like robots. Last I heard, most women aren’t in the market for a robot.


Part 3 Top^

How to approach a lady for a relationship

Whether it’s for sex, dating or a long-term relationship, your basic approach is going to be the same. Thinking too far ahead and worrying about a relationship cause hesitation. Don’t worry about all the details, just talk to her first.

Sexual chemistry is always going to be first. All relationships develop out of attraction for one another.


Part 4 Top^

How do I start a conversation with a girl at work?

This is one area I’d recommend against. Most guys will go for girls at work because they don’t feel like they have other options. This can create an awkward situation if she’s not into it. If you do go out and things go bad, now you’re stuck together. Not to mention the risk of sexual harassment claims which can ruin a man’s career.

The best thing you can do is get good with women, plural. You’ll have so many more options once you know how to confidently talk to women. You won’t be bound by whoever happens to be nearby.

Having said that, it’s your choice.

If you still want to talk to that girl at work here is one way to go about it:

From Quora:

1) Pick a spot where you regularly meet her (e.g. lift, corridor, kitchen).

2) Make a mental note about something around you that both of you would get. The more specific the better. Lifts taking too long, aircon not working, cheap coffee, etc.

3) When you see her, say “Hey” and when she answers, throw your observation in.

4) Ask her how long she’s been there.

5) Say “I’ve got to run, but it’d be great to catch up again for a coffee or something.”

6) If she says yes, give her your phone and ask her to put her contact in.


Part 5 Top^

How to approach a girl at HER work

You saw her working at the local coffee shop, in another office, or while you were grocery shopping. She was cute, damn cute, but you didn’t know how to ask her out while she’s working.

Here are some different ways to pick up a girl at her work.

1. Coffee shop

This is one I’ve done many times and it works great.

There are different ways to go about it in a cafe. I’ve gotten numbers while ordering my drink on the go. Sometimes I’ve gotten them after getting to know the baristas by being a regular. Other times I’ve managed to do it by pulling the girl of interest aside and going direct.

While ordering coffee:

I met a hot Japanese girl this one morning while visiting Toronto. She was a barista and took my order. I was instantly attracted to her and didn’t want to leave with nothing but coffee.

So I engaged her in a conversation about where she is from, right away. Yeah, not exciting. But my eyes did most of the talking. It’s the intent behind the eyes that matters the most.

I kept my eyes on her. The intent behind my eyes or the “feeling” was pure attraction. She turned me on. Her eyes were beautiful and acted like magnets for mine.

This is an area that will take practice. Many guys hide the intent behind their eyes because they don’t want to expose their sexual feelings. Don’t mask it, let it free.

You don’t have to be too overt. Let your feelings through instead of acting like her friend.

So, I had little time to seal the deal. I asked for her number directly, “What’s your number?”

The entire trick in this situation is to create attraction, fast. It’s going to take practice. Even if you don’t have all of the pieces together give it a shot. Just ask for her number directly after getting into a “mini conversation.”

Getting to know her by being a regular:

I’d recommend against this method unless you’re a regular because you like the coffee. It takes way too much time. That time could be spent meeting other girls.

But if you frequent a coffee shop (or another place) and you’re attracted to someone there, this works like a charm.

  1. Get into regular conversations with everyone: Don’t make your interest stand out too much. Get to know everyone by name and talk with everyone. After all, you’re a social guy.
  2. Make direct eye contact: As soon as you walk in, make a point of connecting your eyes with hers. Add a bit of smile too, but don’t stare. Remember to allow your feelings to come through your eyes.
  3. Compliment: Not only the girl you like but also anyone who works there. You’ll gain a reputation for being charming. Keep your compliments low-key. You can say things like: looks nice, pretty, good style, nice for the summer, stands out, or looks good on you. It can be about a piece of jewelry, a new haircut, perfume, or a girl’s nails. After you make the compliment don’t dwell on it, move on. It should be casual.
  4. Ask out: When you get into one of your regular conversations, pop the question. It should always be phrased as “we should” or “let’s” grab a coffee sometime. Never ask a girl if she “wants to,” “would like to,” “is it OK” or some other submissive language. It’s not polite, it looks as if you’re expecting a “no.” Assume a “yes” and ask confidently.

Pulling her aside:

If the pressure of a bunch of people watching is too much, then this is for you. It takes a lot of assertiveness though. If you’re not used to being assertive then practice is going to be crucial.

  1. Find your chance: She may be dealing with customers, so wait until things calm down a bit.
  2. Take her aside: Go up to her and say, “Hey, come here for one second.” She’ll most likely think you need a table cleaned. When she comes around to your spot, be direct. There’s no beating around the bush on this one. “I think you’re cute, you have a great sense of style. We should have coffee sometime.” Then wait for her answer. If there’s silence don’t jump in to break it. If she says “yes” then ask for her number.

Approaching an office girl:

Many years ago I took another guys’ social boot camp. I needed help because I was struggling for months and not making much progress.

While on the boot camp we went into a mall. At this point, my confidence was pretty high because of the momentum that was built.

Download this guide as a PDF: Click here!

I saw this girl working at a dental office.

Cute, Asian, and looking down at her computer at the reception desk.

I went direct.

“Hey, I was walking by and couldn’t take my eyes off you. You look great.”

A smile came over her face, and she giggled.

The conversation was very short. Before I left I asked her for a coffee, and she said yes. That turned onto an NSA relationship which ended up lasting 6 months.

Here’s how you can do it:

  1. Approach: Pick your time to go talk to her. It can be difficult if she’s dealing with clients or coworkers, so come back during a slow time if you have to.
  2. Go direct: Tell her exactly why you’re talking to her. You can say, “I noticed you and thought you look nice. I had to come say hi.”
  3. Conversation: As long as she’s OK with the approach, then you can go into the conversation. Focus on her, and ask why she got into her field of work. The “why” is important because people feel a connection when they share personal information. If she likes and trusts you, she’ll open up. If she’s guarded and resist telling you anything then that might be your cue to leave. If so, wish her a good day.
  4. Ask her out: You were bold and went direct, had a conversation, and now it’s time to get going. Approaching a girl who’s working isn’t ideal for long conversations so keep it short. Say, “We should have a coffee sometime” then grab her number if she says yes.


Part 6 Top^

How to approach a lady on the phone

If you see a girl talking on her phone that doesn’t mean all hope is lost. I normally don’t do it unless I’m really interested.

The alternative is you lose your chance, and you only get one chance. Of course, there are plenty of other fish in the sea, but you won’t get this chance again.

Here’s how you can do it:

  1. Approach boldly: There’s no room for error here; she’s talking on the phone and you need to get her full attention. Walk up alongside her and say, “Excuse me.”
  2. Urgency: Now that you have her attention you’re going to express some urgency. Your approach has to come across as more important than her call or she’ll keep walking. Tell her, “This is important, put down your phone for  a minute.”
  3. Go direct: Tell her your “mini story” (paint a picture) and then tell her exactly why you stopped her. I might use a stronger compliment for this approach since it was made out to be important. She has to feel what you feel.

How to make it better:

  1. When you approach, make sure you give her plenty of room. Jumping into someone’s personal space is a bad way to make an introduction. I usually allow about an arm and a half’s length of distance. If I can reach out and there’s still an extra half arm length of distance, then that’s enough room. It will prevent freaking her out.
  2. When you tell her to put her phone down make sure you have a smile on your face. You don’t want to come across as a danger, and smiles are always disarming. Be playful.
  3. Simple compliments are usually best. Since you made a fuss about this being “important,” it’s ok to go a little over the top with your compliment. You be the judge, but make sure she feels what you feel.


Part 7 Top^

How to approach a girl on the street and get her number

Getting a woman’s number is the simplest part of the whole dating process.

The problem is that numbers will turn to flakes if she didn’t feel something from your approach.

Doing a good follow-up text message is also important.

In this section, we’ll stick with the mechanics of getting a girl’s number. The rest you can get by reading the rest of this post.

  1. Ask her out: This works much better than asking for the number directly. I eliminated a lot of flakes by asking for coffee first. After a good conversation, I always say, “We should grab a coffee sometime.”
  2. Get the number: She said yes, so now get her number. There are a couple of ways to ask: a) Give her your phone and say, “Put your number here.” Make sure the address book is ready for a new number, or b) Keep talking as you pull your phone out, then ask, “What’s your number?”

How to make it better:

To make sure you have the right number, always text her while she’s standing in front of you.

Add her name so you know who she is, and add your name so she knows who you are. That way, when you text again later you won’t have to remind her.

how to approach a woman and get her number
  • Save


Part 8 Top^

How to get a woman interested in you

There are some easy signs a woman is interested.

The biggest one is that she sticks around. It’s important not to complicate the whole thing.

First, I’ll go into some of the methods or strategies you can use to get a girl to like you. Next, we’ll cover lifestyle and character. When trying to improve your dating life always look at the big picture, and work on the whole man, not on superficial qualities.

  1. Eye contact: If your eyes are darting around or looking down, you’ll come off as insecure. Strong eye contact will demonstrate that you’re a confident man. Not a confident man yet? You might want to try coaching.
  2. Body language: Next to eye contact, the way you hold your posture can make or break an approach. Your hands should be out of your pockets, your back straight, and your chin tilted slightly upwards. You should also stand square facing her.
  3. Voice: You don’t have to yell, but you need to speak to be heard. Many guys will lower their voices when approaching a woman. Make sure you speak from your diaphragm and raise the volume so you’re loud and clear. How can you tell? If she has to lean forward to hear you, or she says “what?” or if you lean forward to speak, then you’re too quiet.
  4. Style: Wear clothing that fits. It doesn’t have to be fancy, it just has to be clean and form-fitting. Some clothing like shorts might be a little looser.
  5. Fitness: If you don’t feel good about yourself then chances are she won’t feel good about you neither. Get in the gym and lift. Not only will you look better, you’ll project your feelings to everyone you meet.
  6. Social skills: Learning how to approach women is just one skill you’re going to need. Practice your conversational skills by getting into conversations everywhere you go. The more you talk, the more you’ll learn, and the easier it will be to get a girl to like you.

Lifestyle and character:

  1. Express your opinion: Don’t pander to the women you meet. Express your true opinion and people will respect you more. That doesn’t mean you should be a bull in a china shop, but let others know where you stand.
  2. Actually be who you are: “Be yourself” is the worst advice that never dies. Usually, guys who put on an act have deep-seated insecurities that need to be worked on. So being themselves isn’t much of an option when there’s not a lot of man to be. If that’s not you, then relaxing, putting your guard down and dropping the act is going to be brilliant. When you can be yourself, other people will tend to drop their guards too. You’ll be able to gain more trust from women because they’ll see that you’re not putting on an act. Part of this is acceptance about where you’re at right now. Another part is building yourself into a better man.
  3. Become a better man: It’s a lot easier to be yourself when you’re proud of who you are. Get coaching, take classes, help other people, work on your career, and develop your personality. If you always challenge yourself, you will grow. Especially if you focus on the things that you’re afraid of.
  4. Become interesting: If you work your 9-to-5 job then go home and watch YouTube, your life isn’t going to be very interesting. Having a great life and becoming a more interesting man means new experiences. Travel to new countries, live there, learn a new language, explore new cultures, go on mini adventures, and do things that make you uncomfortable. Experience life and don’t live it through other people on your computer screen.
  5. Create a great life: Whatever a great life means to you, pursue it.
  6. Be bold: Learning assertiveness will prevent the quiet frustration of never expressing yourself. You’ll be able to communicate exactly what you want to others and get what you want too. If you can’t say it, you won’t get it.
  7. Have something big in your life: Working on something just for you, something bigger than yourself, is one of the best ways to get girls interested in you. A man on a mission is always attractive. It’ll also bring countless other benefits into your life. When you have something big to focus on, you’ll be less needy, and more attractive.
  8. Get good with women: Learning how to get good with women will open up your relationship options, and create more interest from women. How? People are naturally attracted to things that are in demand. By having more options you’ll create more options.


Part 9 Top^

How to pursue a woman without being creepy

For most of us, not “being creepy” is pretty important. After all, who wants to be that guy?

A lot of this comes down to mindset. Creepiness is something that I don’t worry about because I’m not creepy.

If you’re worried about being a creep at has a lot to do with insecurity. It’s a reflection of how you feel inside and a worry about projecting creepy behavior at the women you meet.

Although it’s a long term project to change insecurity, here are some ways to avoid being creepy:

  1. Speak up: It can creep out a lot of women when a guy shows up and starts whispering. Would never happen to you, right? Well, this is one of the most common things I see with new clients. As soon as they approach a woman, their voices lower. It’s a submissive gesture, and insecurity about other people hearing. Don’t become the “girl whisperer.”
  2. Eye contact: Looking at the ground or away from someone’s eyes will project insecurity. It can also look creepy when you’re trying to have a conversation with a girl.
  3. Don’t lean forward: This is often compensating for speaking too quietly. One of the negatives is that it looks weird. Unless you have some sort of back problem, stand tall and don’t lean forward.
  4. Don’t enter her personal space: Everyone has a sort of imaginary bubble around them. When strangers enter that bubble it can be very uncomfortable, even seen as a threat. When you approach a woman give her some space. As she becomes more comfortable she’ll close the gap, or you can inch forward a bit if it feels right. I always allow about an ‘arm and a half’ of distance when approaching. That means I can reach straight out, and my arm would have to be 50% longer to reach her. It’s a comfortable distance to start a conversation.
  5. Don’t touch before she sees you: An important one. I’ve seen guys run up and tap girls on the shoulder from behind, and it rarely gets a good reception. Avoid physical contact until you get to the handshake. Once things warm up you can start building up with light physical contact. That might be a brief touch on the hand, shoulder or elbow. Doing this well takes some care, so if you’re not comfortable learn from an expert.


Part 10 Top^

Texting a girl for the first time

The main trick here is to keep it simple and to the point. When you text a girl for the first time, set up the date. Don’t worry about “gaming” her or getting into a conversation.

If you did a good job when you approached her then she’ll be happy to hear from you. If not, nothing you say by text will get her interest.

Download this guide as a PDF: Click here!

  1. Text her the same day: Don’t wait a few days to text her. The “three-day rule” doesn’t work. The longer you wait the more she will cool down and forget about you.
  2. Set up the date: No reason to beat around the bush. She knows why you’re messaging her, so ask her out.
  3. The message: This is the message I use to set up all dates. “Hey Cindy, it was good meeting you today 🙂 Let’s grab a coffee later in the week. Which day is good for you?” I leave out the question mark on purpose. It makes it a bit more casual. Don’t get so casual that you end up looking like a teenager though. Good spelling and punctuation are important.

More on texting girls.


Part 11 Top^

How can I get rid of my shyness and approach women?

“I just saw the most ideal girl standing right in front of me staring, and I was speechless. I stared at her for a couple of minutes and I just did not know what to say.”

If you want to find the guts to talk to, and feel more confident approaching women it can be a struggle. Getting rid of shyness is straight forward, but takes time. A lot of guys will chicken out because they get intimidated, or don’t want to bother the women they like. Here’s the good news: the women you like want to be approached. I can’t count how many women I’ve talked to who complain about not being approached. That’s huge. Many women are open to it but we lose the chance to talk to them because of social anxieties getting in the way.

“I smile but don’t get much response so I don’t pursue them as I feel like I would be bothering them. I feel helpless in this a lot and worry that I may have missed my chance in life at falling in love.”

Here are the basic steps to get rid of shyness to approach women:

  1. Eye contact drill: You’re going to need to develop your eye contact skills to get rid of shyness. Not only that, eye contact is crucial for attracting women too. When you go out, instead of looking at the ground look into peoples eyes instead. You can do this with both men and women.
  2. Be around people: A lot of shy guys isolate themselves. Go to social places like cafes to do your work instead of sitting at home or in an office.
  3. Say “Hi”: You can add this to the eye contact drill. In the morning say “good morning” as you pass people. This will normalize talking to strangers.
  4. Comment: Normalize commenting so that you get used to starting conversations. It can be as simple as commenting on the weather, a piece of jewelry, or complimenting a nice suite. Do it while waiting for a light to change, in a cafe line up, or while shopping.
  5. Go to a pub…by yourself: This is going to feel awkward as FU**, but will help get rid of shyness. If someone asks why you’re there alone, just say you were feeling social. Chat up the waitress, bartender, and anyone who is standing nearby. If you’re really shy then you might have to start by getting used to going alone. This may seem counter-intuitive, but if you go with friends you won’t chat up strangers. Let go of the safety net so you can get social. Start conversations by commenting.
  6. Indirect approach: This is the same as commenting, but in this case, you’ll be able to get dates. In a cafe, you can comment on the book she’s reading or anything else you see. “I didn’t know people still read paper books.” If she’s interested she’ll respond and talk about her book. Learn about her then close the conversation by asking her for a coffee (on another day).
  7. Train your mindset: This will take some time but will pay off for life. Get mindset books, focus on the outcomes you want, write down your goals. Connecting with people who are already doing what you want will also change your mind. If you want to approach women then connect with other guys who already do this. Alternatively, get professional help.
  8. Public speaking: If there was ever anything to bring out shyness, it’s public speaking. Approaching women is like public speaking, but one on one. Take public speaking training to work through your anxiety in a supportive environment. You’ll learn valuable speaking skills that apply in all face-to-face chats.


Part 12 Top^

How can I overcome my shyness to approach women who are checking me out?

Use the above steps to get confident and deal with your shyness in general. If you notice women checking you out, here’s what you can do.

  1. Approach
  2. Open with; Hey, I noticed you checking me out!
  3. Introduce yourself: “My name is Bob.”

The fact that she’s checking you out is your opener.

Download this guide as a PDF: Click here!


Part 13 Top^

How to approach older women

Many guys fantasize about experiencing an older woman. An older woman’s experience or ‘take charge’ personality can appeal to many men. Those same qualities can also be intimidating.

Approaching older women is the same as approaching any woman. Being bold, direct, and charming works with women of all ages.

The most important thing to keep in mind when approaching an older woman is to treat her the same as any other woman. Idolizing or putting older women on pedestals is a sure way to kill attraction.

Even though a woman might be older, the same things which made men attractive to her while younger apply. Your confidence being number one.

Before approaching an older woman get your mindset in check. Remember, she’s older but she’s still a woman. She still needs attention, love, sex, and excitement.

When you show up boldly, without apology, you’ll be fulfilling many of her needs. It’s a win-win.

“But what if she says I’m too young?”

No problem. Ignore that statement and stay in the conversation. Don’t give it credibility by trying to argue or rationalize. If she goes for you it’ll be because you turned her on.

Rational considerations like age often fall by the wayside when emotions take over. So don’t get logical, keep your eyes on hers and chat.


Part 14 Top^

How can I overcome approach anxiety when it comes to talking to women I like?

Approach anxiety, like shyness, has to be overcome through social training. You can do this on your own or take a social boot camp, public speaking course, or dating coaching.

The best ways to approach and overcome shyness can be found in this guide. But here are a couple of mind-tricks you can use to overcome approach anxiety:

  1. Focus on the opening: Don’t think about what you’re going to talk about, if she’s single, in a hurry, or nice. Your one mission is to open, period. As soon as you think about any other detail you’ll kill your approach. It’s important to keep it simple when approaching. So cut distractions. Focus on opening and you’ll have a chance.
  2. Focus on what turns you on: She has great cleavage, an amazing body or tight jeans which caught your attention. Focus on that. By focusing on what turns you on you can overcome the anxiety which is going to make you second guess yourself. Follow your desire, it’ll guide your actions more than trying to rationalize.
  3. Do it: Nothing is going to diminish your approach anxiety more than approaching. You have to get in the game if you want the prize. This is basically exposure therapy; doing the thing you fear until you don’t fear it anymore. I know a lot of guys want a magic pill but it all comes down to exposure and effort. You can cut the struggle by finding like-minded guys and going out with them. Another way is to get a coach so you’re held accountable.


Part 15 Top^

How do I approach an attractive woman in college?

I never went to college, and even if I had I would have been terrible at meeting women. Why? Because back then I was full of shyness and social anxiety. It was hard to meet anyone.

Download this guide as a PDF: Click here!

Direct approaches work in college, but many guys find success with indirect openings.

Here’s one way to connect with girls in college, Via Reddit:

“You already have something in common with these women in your classes – use that to your advantage.

Just sit next to somebody and talk to them before or after – not during, because nobody likes that guy/gal.

“Gosh that lecture was boring,” “Do you know what the professor meant when he said X last time?” “Do you know of a study group for this upcoming exam/quiz/assignment?”

“Man the reading for today was brutal, I couldn’t finish it. Do you know what it was about?” “Are you an X major? I found today’s lecture very interesting, could you recommend any other classes like this in X Department?”

“These chairs are so goddamn uncomfortable.”

Any of these can start a conversation with anyone in your class – regardless of gender. Just start a conversation in a semi-professional tone treating the other person as a colleague in your learning and then introduce yourself when the opening arises.” – LawlAbx via Reddit


Part 16 Top^

16 How to overcome fear of rejection and approach women in clubs?

Clubs, bars, parties, and pubs can be great places to meet women for one night stands. I wouldn’t recommend them for meeting your future wife, but it’s OK to have fun too.

My experience in clubs is limited because I never liked clubs. Even then, I’ve still managed to take women home in Vancouver clubs.

On one night, nothing was going right. I made eye contact with a few women but it didn’t go anywhere. Then I approached a mixed table where a hot Asian girl was sitting. Her male friends were on the other side of the table, so I put my drink down and sat beside her.

I wasn’t drunk, but I knocked my drink over and spilled it on her. Not great. Then the glass rolled off the table and shattered right under her.

Not only did she look annoyed, but her friends were laughing hysterically. Not my best approach ever, but it was entertaining (for them). After a failed attempt at chatting her up, I left the table, defeated.

The night wasn’t over though:

It had been a long night. I was standing with a buddy when I noticed a cute girl getting ready to leave. I commented, “Nice scarf.” That’s not a great compliment or opener, but sometimes opening is enough.

Her friends showed up and noticed we were talking together.

They invited me to take off with them, so I did. After her friends left I took her home where she stayed the night.

Even though most of the night was rocky it still turned out well.

Having said that, I’m no expert at clubs. Here’s a suggestion from the web:

“Ask if the seat is taken next to us. Sit if we invite you. Make small talk. Ask what I’m drinking. Engage others in conversation, even if it’s only me and the bartender there. Make comments on what’s on tv, the weather, whatever.

Fake the confidence if you have to. Make an effort even if you fuck up. Women are just as scared of you as you are of them.” – SubmissiveKitte814 via Reddit

Have a better way to approach women in bars? Let me know here and I’ll publish it.


Part 17 Top^

17 How to approach women in the gym?

I know guys who’ve done well picking up in the gym. One of my buddies picked up a girl at a gym when he was traveling. They ended up in a long-term relationship and it looks like it’s going somewhere.

The thing here is that he did it while traveling. Personally, I don’t like the gym to pick up women. Not because it can’t be done, but because the gym is sacred territory for me.

I want to work out, then get out. Not be distracted by the women there.

This Redditor put it well:

“Best move is usually not to. Takes a lot of approaches to meet a woman you hit it off with. You’re asking for advice about how to approach on Reddit, which strongly implies that you’ll do it somewhat poorly.

If you go to the gym regularly and try to meet women there, there’s a good chance you’ll rapidly develop a reputation as “that weird guy who tries to pick up girls in the gym.”

An alternate outcome would be if you find success; this can be just as bad, and if you can find it in the gym you could have found it in another setting that won’t ruin your ability to get a decent workout without running into multiple past flings.

Cold approach pickup is for anonymous settings, not your territory.” – lodro via Reddit

If you’re not put off, then you can still go for it. Try a conversational approach. Open by making a comment. You can ask if she’s training for a competition or sporting event.

That’s how I got to know and go out with one girl who worked at my old gym.

I also invited one other out. In both cases, these girls worked there. And in both cases they were on their way out because they found a new job. That’s why I made these exceptions.

Yes, I’m only human. Distractions happen, but I minimize them.


Part 18 Top^

What are the odds that a girl will harshly reject me if I approach her in a public space?

A big eye-opener for guys who are learning how to approach women is that harsh rejections are rare. Few women will respond rudely to a sincere approach. When you become confident in your approach, rejection will almost never happen. The worst reaction is getting ignored. They’ll just keep walking, or say they’re busy. That’s nothing, especially considering it only lasts a few seconds. There are no negative repercussions.

The worst approaching experience I ever had was two girls in a Chipotle restaurant. They were at the back of the line, so I walked in and introduced myself. They both gave each other the eyes and then ignored me. I was standing there like an idiot while they had a conversation. I didn’t stay long; my assistant coach and a student were both standing outside, laughing. I don’t blame them, it was funny. That was the worst, and it was nothing. It would have felt worse for a guy with no experience. I was OK with it because I’ve developed a thick skin from repetition, and you can too. Don’t worry about rejections, focus on your goal. Too many guys are trying not to lose instead of trying to win. That mindset shift will make or break you. You can’t win if you’re always focused on how you might lose.


Part 19 Top^

19 How to approach women at parties?

Parties are great places to approach women with casual conversation. Because you’re all part of the same party, you already have some “credibility” or social proof. This means that the women there are going to be open to meeting you.

Try these suggestions from Reddit:

1. “Who is hosting the party? Is it a friend? Ask them to introduce you to people there. Make sure you remember their names. After that, you can circle back and open anyone there with the line “so how do you know [name of party host].

If it’s just a general party and you don’t know too many people, start introducing yourself to the people who are standing near you and engage in group conversation. If there is a girl you are interested in who’s part of the convo, direct questions at her and make sure you keep her included in the convo.

Run out of things to say? No worries. “I’m going to grab another drink, food, see if I know anyone here. It was great meeting you guys, I’ll be back in a few.”

Go scope the party. See any cute girls? Introduce yourself. Does she know a lot of people here? No? Then introduce her to the people you just met. If yes, ask her if she can introduce you because you don’t know too many people. Mix and mingle and then go back to the girl you are into and initiate a normal game.”

2. “Asking how people know each other tends to work really well. Start a conversation, exchange pleasantries, give a (genuine) compliment, and ask who they know at the party, then tell them to introduce you.”

Be friendly and smile.

I typically ask the initial person what the other person’s best quality is. It creates a better atmosphere and gives you something to remember the person’s name with. Also, girls tend to compliment each other’s butts when you ask that so it’s a good segue into more playful sexual talk.”

– via Reddit


Part 20 Top^

How do Asian and black women like to be approached by white men?

The same as white women, Latinas, American Indians, and every other woman. Regardless of race, women appreciate confident men.

I know a lot of guys who’ve grouped different women based on limited experiences. Asians are easy, Asians are difficult, blondes are difficult and so on.

As soon as we give a label to a certain group of women, we’ve decided our own limits. Avoid these kinds of classifications and your own options will open up.

It’s important to treat individuals as individuals. You never know what might happen until you try. Have faith in your own personality and ability to attract women.


Part 21 Top^

What is the best way to approach women in groups?

Approaching a group of women can be the ultimate intimidation for guys. Instead of dealing with one hot girl, you’ve got her friends staring at you too.

Even though the pressure can be high, chatting up a group can be a great thrill.

It’s like juggling since you have to talk to the group, but your social skills and tolerance for pressure can get a major boost.

Here’s how I approach groups of girls (2 or more):

  1. Get their attention: Just like stopping one girl, start with “excuse me.” Make eye contact with each girl in the group (briefly).
  2. Focus on the girl you want: Put your attention on the girl you want. Glance at her friend(s) too to keep their attention.
  3. Go direct: Use a compliment opener like, “I saw you walk by and liked your style. I had to come back and say hi.”
  4. Acknowledge her friends: Look back at her friends to acknowledge their presence. A smile helps here. If her friends don’t feel included they may try to end the approach.
  5. Conversation: Learn about her and what she does, then why she does it. Always go deeper than a superficial conversation. Questions like “What are you doing?” usually don’t go anywhere, and won’t create the connection you need to get her interest.

How to make it better:

There are a lot of variables here, so I’ve only skimmed the surface with the steps above. I’m also only covering a direct approach but other approaches can work too.

  1. Address the whole group with some light humor to keep it friendly and entertaining. You can do this by making an observation about the group, “Do you guys normally go around picking up dudes?”
  2. Keep it short unless you invite the group for an instant date. They’re probably going somewhere, so hold them too long and they’ll get restless. If you’re a skilled conversationalist you’ll be able to hold their attention longer. Just get in, make an impression, then get her number. You’ll be a mystery which she’ll want to learn more about.
  3. Even though you’ll want to learn about the girl you want, ask her friends questions too. Get them involved in the conversation.

Some More Approach Tips

Leaving an exit:

This is something I emphasize to my coaching clients. When approaching someone, always allow space so she can leave if she’s not interested.

Boxing a woman in can be intimidating. It will be even more intimidating if you’re learning and aren’t too “smooth.”

In general, approach with about an arm and a half of distance. If she’s walking, come up beside her, never block her path. Your magnetism and ability to do a good approach are what you should rely on to get women’s attention. Not using a physical block.

If she doesn’t stop, let her go. Don’t follow. If you do then she’s the one who’s leading. Not only that, but chances are that you’ll creep her out because she can’t leave.

This girl on Reddit spelled it out:

“Guys don’t realize how much most women think about things like exit routes. If you corner or trap us in some way, we will feel frightened, not receptive.

I know 90% of guys don’t mean to do this, and that kind of thing doesn’t even occur to them. But I’m a tiny skinny chick. I mean, I’m strong for someone my size, but if I had to somehow move a 180lb man out of my way before I could leave, it most likely wouldn’t be possible.

And if you’re wondering why we worry about things like that, it is because we’ve been cornered and harassed or groped, or know someone who has, and there is literally no way to know if you are going to do something like that until you do it.

So just, before you approach a strange woman, look at her possible escape routes, and do not get between her and them.”

On bad advice:

“Be yourself” or “just be confident” continue to be the mainstay of bad dating advice.

There is some truth to these tips but they’re incomplete. An insecure guy can’t suddenly “just be confident.” And being yourself is important, but when you haven’t developed confidence, social skills and a solid foundation as a man, being yourself doesn’t work.

These are tips for men who already “got it.” But if you don’t then there’s some work to do.

So where does a guy start?

Fake it until you make it.

Tweet: An insecure guy can’t suddenly “just be confident.”

Confidence is very attractive and empowering. So emulate confident men. How do they act? What do they do? What would a confident guy do in this situation?

At first, it will feel fake, but that’s part of learning. Through repetition, you’ll start to feel like the men you emulate.

Another way to build confidence is by exposing yourself to things that make you fearful. Get on stage and learn public speaking. Learn leadership skills through a training course. Approach women in different situations.

Take coaching for different areas of your life so you can stretch your limits.

Download this guide as a PDF: Click here!

Learn boxing or a martial art, and get in the ring for a real fight.

Get in the gym and lift weights to develop your body and your discipline.

All these things will create your foundation as a man. From that foundation, you’ll be able to take more confident actions. Your character guides your behavior as a man.

Once you’ve developed a solid character, “be yourself” will make sense.

bad dating advice
  • Save


Want personal help to meet and attract women?

Learn faster and better with one on one coaching.

Click here for more info

  • Save

Not Getting the Relationships You Want?

Take This Quiz to Find out What's Holding You Back

About the Author Eddy Baller

I'm the founder of Conquer & Win, and since 2011 I've been helping guys get into great relationships, build their core values as men, and become confident. I'm published on Lifehack, Order of Man, POF and many more. I want to help you get socially confident and live to your full potential. Feel free to contact me here.

follow me on:
  • Paul says:

    I never approach women for two reasons: rejection is always guaranteed because no woman is / could be interested in me; and, because of this, approaching any woman would likely get me accused of harassment. I am fundamentally unattractive and nothing can be done about it.

    • Eddy Baller says:

      Your mindset is fundamentally attractive. What have you done to make improvements to your a) Personality b) Social skills c) Fitness/appearance ?

      • Paul says:

        Let me address your questions in reverse order: (C) Why do you assume I am not fit? I go to the gym 4 times a week and eat well – I am very fit – and swim competitively as well. I also dress well and take care of myself. (B) My social skills are good – I have many women friends who tell me that the only reason I don’t have success with women is that I don’t show my “masculine side and act sexual” around women I find attractive. My response is that I am not about to risk being accused of harassment – which is a distinct possibility given the current state of society and the fact that women do not want to be approached by a guy like me (who is far less attractive than other guys). (A) My personality is fine – I have many hobbies and diverse interests which I pursue regularly. As I said above, my women friends tell me that the only reason I don’t have success with women is that I don’t show my “masculine side and act sexual” around women I find attractive.

        • Eddy Baller says:

          It sounds like they’re saying you’re a pushover, also known as a “nice guy”. That’s not the sign of a good personality, and your mindsets and fear are holding you back.

          • Paul says:

            Why do you say that? I am not a ‘nice guy’ – i.e., someone who hangs around women and does everything for them, never disagrees with them, etc. I am certainly not that. I just never express interest in women I like because I honestly feel – and there is no evidence to the contrary – that no woman is / could be attracted to me in that way.

          • Eddy Baller says:

            Your mindset definitely is the issue. You’re basically saying you can’t (or are unwilling) to learn anything “no woman could be attracted to me”.

            Why even bother visiting a site like C&W? Your mind is already made up. I’d suggest getting Carol Dueck’s book, Mindset. That would be a good starting point for you. Best of luck.

  • Doug says:

    Hi Eddy – I’ve never approached a woman in my life because I’ve been told again and again that I need to look for body language that invites (or at least is open to) me doing so. Since I have never seen a signal that is clear enough for me to go up and say hello, I’ve never done it. I’ve gone out with my woman friends many times and they’ve all told me that women do give me signals all the time, but I miss every one. I try to see what they tell me are extremely clear signals, but I honestly never see them, even in hindsight when they tell me what a woman did – often (apparently) to try to get my attention. I’m 42 and am pretty much of the view that I’ll never get this. I’m not going to approach without a clear signal because I’m sure the woman would be offended. But I never see the signs.

    • Eddy Baller says:

      Doug, the idea of waiting for “signals” to approach is a fear based rationalization. You don’t avoid approaching because women don’t give you signals, you avoid approaching because of fear and a lack of know-how.

      You need balls to do it, not signals. This is one of the most common excuses that men make.

      To overcome this fear you have to stop making excuses and take ownership of your emotions. There’s nothing wrong with fear, but you can’t improve if you hold onto this idea.

      A big part of coaching is helping guys overcome their fears of starting conversations with women. Both by giving them accountability/a push, and by showing them how to do it.

      If you want to get unstuck then reach out to me.

      [email protected]

  • Enrique Pasion says:

    Thank you for this very helpful guide on how to approach women and the tips and suggestions are very effective indeed. I will give this post a go and I may turn out to be lucky this time.

  • Allen says:

    People advise me to keep trying … keep falling down and being kicked in the heart by women I thought cared about me … but keep trying, they say. As a severely introverted man, I am completely invisible to women, and to get them to even acknowledge my existence takes all the energy I have – and then they reject me, literally every one I’ve ever tried to get to know. The fact is, men have to compete for women’s attention against other men and guys like me stand zero chance against other guys who *can* be confident around women, because to become confident, a guy needs at least a modicum of positive experience. I have zero experience because no woman has ever said yes to me. Women are not interested in me – and there is no evidence to the contrary.

    • Eddy Baller says:

      You will always find evidence for the beliefs you hold. Self defeat becomes an identity for far too many guys, and this makes it easy to make excuses for failure instead of finding out WHY things aren’t working then changing them.

      You don’t need a “modicum of positive experience” to start. You need the desire to make your love life better, and you can’t hold onto any excuses.

      If nobody has said yes then maybe you haven’t asked enough women, or maybe (and likely) you are doing it the wrong way.

      I’ve gone through more rejections than you could possibly imagine. A lot of the time it was extremely embarrassing, but I persisted, which is why I am where I am now.

      Chances are you’ve given up way too early and haven’t put in enough effort to figure things out, and build your confidence.

      Confidence with women is not a given. You have to build it. But if you have self defeating mindsets like the ones you project in your writing, then you will not get it.

      If you really want to learn then reach out to me on the contact page. I’ll put together an action plan for you to start on your own so you can get on the right path.

  • >
    Copy link
    Powered by Social Snap