If you've ever wondered what to say when approaching an attractive girl, this is your guide. Learn how to get dates with attractive women anywhere in public.
No more dating apps, no more bars or clubs. Once you learn these skills you’ll be able to meet women confidently.
I smile at girls but don’t get much of a response so I don’t try talking to them because I’m worried about bothering them. I feel helpless and think I may have missed my chance in life at falling in love.
1. How to Walk up to a Girl and Start a Conversation (Street Approach)
This is how to talk to a girl who’s walking down the street:
First, attempt to make eye contact. It’s not a deal-breaker if she doesn’t notice you, but if you make eye contact first it can warm up the approach.
Walk up beside her and say “excuse me” as if you were asking for directions.
Stop walking and expect her to follow your lead. If she doesn’t stop then let her go. You should always leave an “exit” for any woman you approach. Also never block her path.
Use a “mini story” (see below) immediately after opening. Usually, just jumping into a compliment doesn’t work. She’s still thinking about where she’s going and isn’t completely focused on you. Blurting out a compliment will often put up a woman’s defenses, and the automatic reaction is to walk away. With a mini story” you’ll have her full attention and interest.
Now tell her why you walked up to her. Usually, a simple compliment is good, but don’t overdo it. “I thought you look great!”
How to make it better:
Smile. When you first get her attention.
Be enthusiastic. If your voice is monotone it won’t hold her attention or get her interested.
If she doesn’t stop you can keep talking. Many women will stop if you hold your ground and go right into it. It’s also important that she follows your lead from the beginning. Otherwise now you’re following her lead which is a turn off.
Give her space. If you can stretch your arm out and can’t touch her, that’s usually a good distance. If she reacts fearfully make sure you backup more to give her more space.
The “mini story”
The mini story is all about painting a picture and getting a “hook point” or drawing her in. It creates curiosity, eliminates distractions, and avoids any conditioned reactions.
Tell her exactly what was happening right before you came up to talk to her. One of my coaching students calls it “the hero’s journey.”
It would go something like this, “Excuse me, I was going to lunch and wasn’t sure if I should do this. I’m already late, but I noticed you walk by. So I ran back across the street, dodged traffic and a small chihuahua to come say hi. I thought you look great!”
Now you have her full attention and can start a conversation.
How to get her phone number
Getting a woman’s number is the simplest part of the whole dating process. Doing a good follow-up text message is also important.
Ask her out for coffee or a drink: This works much better than asking for the number first. I eliminated a lot of flakes this way. After a good conversation, say, “We should grab a coffee sometime.”
Get her number: Keep talking as you pull your phone out, then ask, “What’s your number?”
How to make it better:
To make sure you have the right number, always text her while she’s standing in front of you.
Add her name so you know who she is, and add your name so she knows who you are. That way, when you text again later you won’t have to tell her who you are.
How to approach a girl on the phone
If you see a girl talking on her phone you can still approach but you will have to be on your A game.
Here’s how you can do it:
Approach her with enthusiasm: Walk up beside her and say, “Excuse me.”
Urgency: Make the approach important otherwise she won’t want to get off of her call. “This is really important!
Humor: “You can call back the King of Zimbabwe in just one minute.”
Smile: A smile is disarming.
Mini story: Now go into your mini-story.
What is the best way to approach women in groups?
Approaching a group of women can be intimidating for guys. Instead of dealing with one hot girl, you’ve got her friends staring at you too.
Even though the pressure can be high, chatting up a group can be a great thrill.
Here’s how to approach groups of girls (2 or more):
Get their attention: Just like stopping one girl, start with “excuse me.” Make eye contact with each girl in the group (briefly).
Focus on the girl you want: Put your attention on the girl you want. Glance at her friend(s) too to keep their attention.
Go direct: Use a compliment opener like, “I saw you walk by and liked your style. I had to come back and say hi.”
Acknowledge her friends: Look back at her friends to acknowledge their presence. A smile helps here. If her friends don’t feel included they may try to end the approach.
Compliment the whole group: If they’re all cute then do the above steps for the whole group. You can decide who you want to ask out after you decide who you like best.
How to approach older women
Many guys fantasize about experiencing an older woman. An older woman’s experience or ‘take charge’ personality can appeal to some men. Those same qualities can also be intimidating.
The most important thing to keep in mind when approaching an older woman is to treat her the same as any other woman. Putting older women (or any women) on a pedestal will kill attraction.
But what if she says I’m too young?
Ignore that statement and stay in the conversation. Don’t give it credibility by trying to argue or rationalize. Change her mind with your charm. If she doesn’t change her mind then wish her a good day and move on.
2. What Do You Talk About When You Approach a Girl?
Don’t try to script out an entire conversation with a woman you haven’t even met yet.
You don’t know anything about her. It’s impossible to plan for every possible answer and question that she might have. You’ll also get thinking too much and not talk to her at all.
There are precious few seconds to say “hi” when an attractive woman appears. If you’re already thinking about the entire conversation then it’s not going to happen.
The best kind of conversation is going to be organic but it should be structured so that you can lead.
Use the snowball technique.
The basic format is this: 1. A ‘what’ question, and 2. A ‘why’ question.
Talk about her: Don’t worry about coming up with a topic; it’s standing in front of you. People like talking about themselves so use this psychology to your advantage.
Ask a question: There’s lots of flexibility here but I always start with, “What do you do?”
Repeat back to her: When she answers, repeat back to her what she said, but in your own words.
Find out “Why”: Now ask her “why” she does what she does. This part is crucial. It will help you to avoid topic-hopping. Superficial conversations won’t create a connection.
Repeat: When you find out “why” she does what she does, all sorts of other topics will open up. Not only will this keep the conversation going, but you’ll also learn a lot about her.
How to make it better:
Do a cold read: Make your opening question more conversational by using a cold read. This is something you can inject humor into, or even tease her. Instead of saying, “What do you do?” add, “You look like a yoga teacher; what do you do?” When you get good at this your guesses will become accurate.
Preventing an ‘interview’ by adding your opinion: If you keep asking questions it will turn into an interview. When she tells you what she does, first add your opinion on the topic, “You’re a nurse? I’ve heard it can be stressful. Nurses always have to do weird split shifts, working four days and then four nights. That would ruin my sleep pattern.” Then finish with your “why” question: “So why did you get into nursing?”
Why it works:
When people open up, it creates feelings of trust and connectedness. The deeper you go into someone’s life, the more they have to open up. That creates vulnerability. When we make ourselves vulnerable to others we often feel “chemistry.”
One of the biggest problems I’ve seen with my clients is topic-hopping. That prevents any connection because the conversation is superficial. She hasn’t opened up, and won’t feel anything as a result.
3. How Do I Start a Conversation with a Girl at Work?
This is one area I’d recommend against.
Most guys will go for girls at work because they don’t feel like they have other options. This can create an awkward situation if she’s not into it. If you do go out and things go bad, now you’re stuck together. Not to mention the risk of sexual harassment claims which can ruin a man’s career.
The best thing you can do is learn how to approach women. You’ll have so many more options once you know how to confidently talk to anyone.
Having said that, it’s your choice.
If you still want to talk to that girl at work here is one way to go about it:
Meet or approach her. Wait for a natural time when you’d normally be in the same area. That could be lunch, a break or get togethers with coworkers.
Make an observational opener. This kind of opener is based on the simplest thing you see in your environment. That could be the weather, how busy the place is, or something you notice about her. “Wow, it really gets loud in here. Sounds like a bar!” or “Your necklace looks like it’s from Peru. Did you get it while traveling?”
Conversation: Learn about her. Why did she take a job with your company? What does she want to do with her life?
Ask her out: Be casual. “Hey, I gotta get going, but let's have a coffee sometime.” Notice this is a statement, not a question like, “Do you want to have a coffee sometime?” It comes across more assertively and confidently.
You may do the first 3 steps a few times to get to know her first before asking her out. The only difference after the first time is it should be easier to start the conversations.
Keep learning about her each time to build a connection. Don’t rush to tell her about yourself. When she starts asking you questions it will work better and not look like you’re trying to impress her.
How to approach a girl at HER work
You saw her working at the local coffee shop, in another office, or while you were grocery shopping. She was cute, but you didn’t know how to ask her out while she was working.
Here are some different ways to meet a girl at her work.
There are different ways to ask out a barista.
I’ve gotten numbers while ordering my drink on the go. Sometimes I’ve gotten them after getting to know the baristas by being a regular. Other times I’ve managed to do it by going direct.
While ordering coffee:
I met a hot Japanese girl this one morning while visiting Toronto. She was a barista and took my order. I was instantly attracted to her and didn’t want to leave with nothing but coffee.
So I started a conversation about where she is from right away. Yeah, not exciting. But my eyes did most of the talking. It’s the intent behind your eyes that matters the most. Not your words.
The feeling behind my eyes was pure attraction.
This is an area that will take practice. Many guys hide the intent behind their eyes because they don’t want to expose their sexual feelings. They try to be safe and act like a friend. Don’t pretend to be her friend.
Don’t be too overt though, this is a subtle form of communication.
So, I had little time to seal the deal. I asked for her number directly, “What’s your number?”
For this to work you need to:
Keep strong eye contact.
Don’t mask your feelings by pretending to be a friend (this is an emotional focus, not a thing you do).
Learn something important about her. Usually the best way to start is by asking her WHY she got into her work. At a cafe, the women there will usually be students, so learn about her ambitions.
Ask her out casually. “We should have a coffee sometime.” or you can also leave your number with her if it’s a high pressure situation (big line waiting for you to move).
Getting to know her by being a regular:
I’d recommend against this strategy unless you’re already a regular because it takes too much time. That time could be spent meeting other girls.
But if you frequent a coffee shop (or another place) and you’re attracted to someone there, this works well.
Get into regular conversations with everyone who works there and other cafe regulars too.
Make direct eye contact: As soon as you walk in, make a point of connecting your eyes with hers. Add a bit of a smile too.
Ask her out: When you get into one of your regular conversations, pop the question. It should always be phrased as “we should” or “let’s” grab a coffee sometime. Never ask a girl if she “wants to,” “would like to,” “is it OK” or some other submissive language. It’s not polite, it looks as if you’re expecting a “no.” Assume a “yes” and ask confidently.
Wait for an opportunity to talk to her: She may be dealing with customers, so wait until things calm down a bit.
Take her aside: Go up to her and say, “Hey, come here for one second.” (if you want to take her to a spot with less people listening in away from the cash register) When she comes around to your spot, be direct. “I think you’re cute, you have a great sense of style. We should have coffee sometime.” then wait for her answer. If she says “yes” then ask for her number.
Approaching an office girl:
Many years ago I took another guys’ social boot camp. I needed help because I was struggling for months and not making much progress.
While on boot camp we went into a mall. At this point, my confidence was pretty high because of the momentum that was built.
I saw this girl working at a dental office.
Cute, Asian, and looking down at her computer at the reception desk.
I went direct.
“Hey, I was walking by and couldn’t take my eyes off you. You look great.”
A smile came over her face, and she giggled.
The conversation was very short. Before I left I asked her for a coffee, and she said yes. That turned into a sexual relationship which lasted 6 months.
That was one of my first successes approaching girls directly.
Here’s how you can do it:
Approach: Pick your time to go talk to her. It can be difficult if she’s dealing with clients or coworkers, so come back during a slow time if you have to.
Go direct: Tell her exactly why you’re talking to her. You can say, “I noticed you and thought you look nice. I had to come say hi.”
Conversation: Focus on her, and ask why she got into her work. The “why” is important because people feel a connection when they share personal information. If she likes and trusts you, she’ll open up. If she’s guarded and resists telling you anything then that might be your cue to leave. If so, wish her a good day.
Ask her out: Approaching a girl who’s working isn’t usually ideal for long conversations so keep it short. Say, “I have to get going but we should have a coffee sometime.” then grab her number if she says yes.
4. How to Get a Woman Interested in You
When trying to improve your dating life always look at the big picture and work on the whole man. Below are a number of different ways to get women interested in you, and most of those are about developing your lifestyle and character.
Eye contact: If your eyes are darting around or looking down, you’ll come off as insecure. Strong eye contact shows confidence.
Body language: The way you hold your posture can make or break an approach. Your hands should be out of your pockets, your back straight, and your chin tilted slightly upwards. You should also stand square facing her.
Voice: Speak to be heard. Many guys speak quietly when approaching women.
Style: Wear clothing that fits and doesn’t look sloppy.
Fitness: If you don’t feel good about yourself then chances are she won’t feel good about you neither. Get in the gym and lift.
Social skills: Get into as many conversations as possible to practice how you connect with others.
Express your opinion: Don’t pander to the women you meet. Express your true opinion and people will respect you more.
Become interesting: If you work your 9-to-5 job then go home and watch YouTube your life isn’t going to be very interesting. Travel to new countries, live there, learn a new language, take classes to learn new skills, and do things that make you uncomfortable.
Assertiveness: Learning assertiveness will prevent the quiet frustration of never expressing yourself. This is a highly attractive quality.
Have something big in your life: A man with a mission is always more attractive than a guy who has no ambition.
5. How to Approach Women Without Being Creepy
A lot of this comes down to mindset.
If you’re worried about being a creep it has to do with insecurity. Confident men don’t worry about being creepy because it’s not who they are.
Although it’s a long term project to change insecurity, here are some ways to avoid being creepy:
Speak up: It can creep out a lot of women when a guy shows up and starts whispering. It’s a submissive gesture and insecurity about other people hearing. Don’t become the “girl whisperer.”
Eye contact: Looking at the ground or away from someone’s eyes will project insecurity.
Don’t lean forward: This is often compensation for speaking too quietly. Stand tall and don’t lean forward.
Don’t enter her personal space: Everyone has a sort of imaginary bubble around them. When strangers enter that bubble it can be uncomfortable, even seen as a threat. When you approach a woman, give her some space. Always allow about an ‘arm and a half’ of distance when approaching. That means I can reach straight out, and my arm would have to be 50% longer to reach her. It’s a comfortable distance to start a conversation.
Don’t touch: I’ve seen guys run up and tap girls on the shoulder from behind and it rarely gets a good reception. Avoid physical contact until you get to the handshake.
Anything I left out? Comment below.
6. Texting a Girl for the First Time
The main trick here is to keep it simple and to the point. When you text a girl for the first time, set up the date.
Don’t worry about “gaming” her or getting into a conversation.
If you did a good job when you approached her then she’ll be happy to hear from you. If not, nothing you say by text will get her interest.
Text her the same day: Don’t wait a few days to text her. The “three-day rule” doesn’t work. The longer you wait the more she will cool down and forget about you.
Set up the date: No reason to beat around the bush. She knows why you’re messaging her, so ask her out.
The message: This is the message I use to set up all dates. “Hey Cindy, it was good meeting you today ? Let’s grab a coffee later in the week. Which day is good for you?” I leave out the question mark on purpose. It makes it a bit more casual. Don’t get so casual that you end up looking like a teenager though. Good spelling and punctuation are important.
Approach anxiety, like shyness, has to be overcome through social training. You can do this on your own or take a social boot camp, public speaking course, or dating coaching.
Here are mindset tricks overcome approach anxiety:
Focus on the opening: Don’t think about what you’re going to talk about, if she’s single, in a hurry, or nice. Your one mission is to open, period. As soon as you think about any other detail you’ll kill your approach. It’s important to keep it simple when approaching. So cut distractions. Focus on opening and you’ll have a chance.
Focus on what turns you on: She has great cleavage, an amazing body or tight jeans which caught your attention. Focus on that. By focusing on what turns you on you can overcome the anxiety which is going to make you second guess yourself. Follow your desire, it’ll guide your actions more than trying to rationalize.
Do it: Nothing is going to diminish your approach anxiety more than approaching. You have to get in the game if you want the prize. This is basically exposure therapy; doing the thing you fear until you don’t fear it anymore. I know a lot of guys want a magic pill but it all comes down to exposure and effort. You can cut the struggle by finding like-minded guys and going out with them. Another way is to get a coach so you’re held accountable.
How can I get rid of my shyness and approach women?
I just saw the most ideal girl standing right in front of me staring, and I was speechless. I stared at her for a couple of minutes and I just did not know what to say.
Getting rid of shyness is straight forward but takes time.
Here are the basic steps to build confidence to approach women:
Eye contact drill: You’re going to need to develop your eye contact skills to get rid of shyness. Eye contact is crucial for attracting women too. Instead of looking at the ground make eye contact instead.
Be around people: A lot of shy guys isolate themselves. Go to social places like cafes to do your work instead of sitting at home or in an office.
Say “Hi”: You can add this to the eye contact drill. In the morning say “good morning” as you pass people.
Comment: Normalize commenting so that you get used to starting conversations. It can be as simple as commenting on the weather, a piece of jewelry, or complimenting a nice suite. Do it while waiting for a light to change at the crosswalk, in a cafe line up, or while shopping.
Public speaking: Approaching women is like public speaking but one on one. Take public speaking training to work through your anxiety in a supportive environment. You’ll learn valuable speaking skills that apply in all face-to-face chats.
How can I overcome my shyness to approach women who are checking me out?
Use the above steps to get confident and deal with your shyness. If you notice women checking you out, here’s how to open:
Open with; “Hey, I noticed you checking me out!” or “I saw your smile and had to come back to say hi.”
Introduce yourself: “My name is Bob.”
Continue your conversation with the steps in the earlier sections above
8. How Do I Approach Women in Clubs?
Clubs, bars, parties, and pubs can be great places to meet women for one night stands. I wouldn’t recommend them for meeting your future wife but it’s OK to have fun too.
My experience in clubs is limited because I never liked clubs. Even then, I’ve still managed to take women home in Vancouver clubs.
On one night, nothing was going right. I made eye contact with a few women but it didn’t go anywhere.
Then I approached a mixed table where a hot Asian girl was sitting. Her male friends were on the other side of the table, so I put my drink down and sat beside her.
I wasn’t drunk but I knocked my drink over and spilled it on her, then the glass rolled off the table and shattered right under her on the floor.
Not only did she look annoyed but her friends were laughing hysterically. Not my best approach ever but it was entertaining (for them). I left the table shortly after.
The night wasn’t over though.
I was standing with a buddy when I noticed a cute girl getting ready to leave. I commented, “Nice scarf.” That’s not a great compliment or opener but sometimes saying literally anything is good enough.
Her friends showed up and noticed we were talking together.
They invited me to go with them to get some fries. After her friends left I took her home where she stayed the night.
Even though most of the night was rocky it still turned out well.
Your approach doesn’t have to be perfect to work (although it’s probably best not to spill a drink on her). Do this:
Cheers: Walk up and cheers everyone at the table
Ask them what the occasion is
Go direct and compliment the girl you want to meet
Scan the room and make eye contact with each girl. As soon as you get a smile go approach her
Have a better way to approach women in bars? Let me know in the comments below.
9. How to Approach Women in the Gym
I know guys who’ve done well picking up in the gym. One of my buddies met a girl at a gym when he was traveling. They ended up in a long-term relationship which lasted a couple of years.
The thing here is that he did it while traveling.
Personally, I don’t like the gym to pick up women. Not because it can’t be done, but because the gym is sacred territory for me.
I want to work out then get out. Not be distracted by the women there.
“Best move is usually not to. Takes a lot of approaches to meet a woman you hit it off with. You’re asking for advice about how to approach on Reddit, which strongly implies that you’ll do it somewhat poorly.
If you go to the gym regularly and try to meet women there, there’s a good chance you’ll rapidly develop a reputation as “that weird guy who tries to pick up girls in the gym.”
An alternate outcome would be if you find success; this can be just as bad, and if you can find it in the gym you could have found it in another setting that won’t ruin your ability to get a decent workout without running into multiple past flings..” – via Reddit
If you’re not put off, then you can still go for it.
Ask if she’s training for anything
Make a comment about the gym (observation)
Make eye contact first, and if she smiles approach directly
For any approach, you don’t have to be creative or say something interesting. It’s better to say something simple then lead the conversation into something about her so you can make a connection.
Have you had any experiences approaching women at the gym? Comment below.
10. Will Women Reject Me If I Approach in a Public Space?
Few women will respond rudely to a sincere approach. The worst reaction is getting ignored. They’ll just keep walking or say they’re busy.
The worst approaching experience I ever had was two girls in a Chipotle restaurant. They were at the back of the line, so I walked in and introduced myself. They both gave each other the eyes and then ignored me.
I was standing there like an idiot while they continued their conversation. I didn’t stay long though, my assistant coach and a student were both standing outside, laughing. I don’t blame them, it was funny.
Don’t worry about rejections, focus on your goals. Too many guys are trying not to lose instead of trying to win. That mindset shift will make or break you. You can’t win if you’re always focused on how women might reject you.
11. How to Approach Women at Parties
Parties are great places to approach women with casual conversation. Because you’re all part of the same party, you already have some “credibility” or social proof. This means that the women there are going to be open to meeting you.
Introduction: If you know the host then get him or her to introduce you
Direct approach: Just like in any other situation you may try going direct. This will really depend on the environment and how big the party is.
Ask who she knows at the party
Use an observational opener and comment on something you see
Cheers her with your drink then ask how the party is going
If there is a group you can cheers the whole group then start chatting with her afterwards. “What do you do?”
Make eye contact and approach the first girl who smiles. “I saw you smiling so I had to say hi.”
Conversation: Learn about her and what she does, then why she does it. Always go deeper than a superficial conversation. Questions like “What are you doing?” usually don’t go anywhere, and won’t create the connection you need to get her interest.
Like this post? Leave a comment below and let me know how you like to approach women, or any questions.
Hi, I'm Eddy Baller, founder of Conquer & Win.
I've been a dating and relationship coach since 2011, and since then I have helped men across the globe to build their social confidence and get the dates and relationships they deserve. Get your FREE dating consultation now by clicking the button below.