Why Being The Asshole, The Nice Guy, and Being Yourself Never Seem To Work

I was at a bank once when the teller asks what I do for a living…

I tell him, “I’m a dating coach for men”…(bracing his response like I normally do, which usually consists of them telling me about all their problems with women OR telling me that men just need to have some balls).

Also check out: How to meet women anywhere (Mega guide)

The teller then tips his head to the side in thought and says out loud, “Ya know…people always say you have to be an asshole…but that doesn’t work…then they say ya gotta be the nice guy…that doesn’t work either…then eventually they just say BE YOURSELF…but how do you even do that?!”

I can’t help but laugh and know exactly what he’s talking about.

Nobody wants to be known as The Asshole that mistreats women…

In the same turn, you probably don’t wanna be known as the Nice Guy that GETS mistreated.

And LET’S BE REAL, hearing “Just Be Yourself” is about as corny and elusive as “Just Be Confident”…

But women SEEM to want the Asshole, right?

And then again, they also SEEM to want the Nice Guy…right?

But everyone knows the ANSWER is to “BE YOURSELF!”


The problem isn’t in which one you have to be…but rather how to be all 3.

So here’s why being The Asshole, The Nice Guy, and Yourself isn’t working out…and how to make all 3 work for you to get the women you want:

1. Being The Asshole

You know this guy…he’s a total frat boy BRO in his 20’s…a bottle poppin, jet setter in his 30’s…and a juicing, gym-going, somehow-still-not-married ladies man in his 40’s. And if you’re a guy with half a brain, he probably looks like a total douche to you.

What Being Him Means To Men… 

  • Mistreating her
  • Fooling around and being careless with what she wants or how you treat her
  • Lying and cheating with no remorse
  • Never calling or answering her calls or texts
  • Not knowing what you want and dragging her along while you act like a little boy

Now these things may not sound ideal…and because of that you probably do NOT wanna look like The Asshole to women (or at least I’d HOPE not).

And yet women still want them!

And here’s why…

What Being The Asshole Means To Women…

  • It means you having your own life and not needing us to be your mommy
  • It means knowing you can handle yourself on your own and can therefore handle us on top of it
  • It means you’ve got an amazing enough life that you would only let the most special of amazing women into it…and if we’re lucky we’ll get to be it
  • It means you don’t settle for just any woman that comes along…and when you’re with us it’s because we mean something to you
  • It means that you don’t get mushy gushy emotional for just any woman
  • It means life with you won’t be predictable…won’t be lame…won’t be boring

OK now how does THAT guy sound to you?

He seems pretty awesome, am I right?

And THIS is The Asshole we want…not that other guy up there.

And yet getting to the latter guy while avoiding the former is something most guys still have no idea how to do…

And we’ll get to that in a second…

Cuz now we have to address the other extreme…

Mr. Nice Guy.

2. Being The Nice Guy

*cough cough* FRIEND ZONE GUY! *cough cough*  Am I right…?  This is the guy who looks like the little lap dog who comes running on command only to get shat on while she runs into the arms of ANOTHER man.  Of course this is what he may SEEM like to you.

What Being Him Means To Men…  

  • Being a pushover
  • Being in the Friend Zone
  • Having to pay for everything
  • Never standing up for yourself
  • Listening to all her complaining and nagging
  • Having to constantly apologize and do whatever she wants
  • Having to lie so you don’t upset her or deal with her stuff over and over and over again even if you’re pissed and know you deserve better

OK while The Asshole sounded like a total bad guy, Mr. Nice Guy sounds like such a…CHUMP, right?!

So of COURSE you don’t wanna be him!  And of COURSE you’re worried about coming across as him!

But here’s how WE Ladies see him…

What Being Him Means To Women…

  • Having a guy who listens and understands
  • Somebody who cares and can be there to hold us when life gets hard
  • Having a gentleman who still believes in treating a woman like someone to be prized and revered
  • Feeling respected and valued for being different
  • Having an actual relationship that doesn’t just involve you getting laid whenever you want
  • Being loved and admired for who we are and not for what we can do for you
  • Having someone on our side always; someone we can REALLY turn to

Now let’s be real…

How WONDERFUUUUUUUUL does HE sound?!?!?!?!  *insert starry eyes glazed over in admiration and adoration*

THIS is the guy that we brag to all our girlfriends about…this is the guy that every girl pictures every time she’s with The Asshole.

But we DON’T want a doormat!

We don’t want somebody to roll over and play dead and go fetch just because we SAY so…

And that’s where being The Asshole needs to come in…because it’s not gonna cut it to just be Mr. Nice Guy…and that’s probably why every guy on the planet is TERRIFIED of becoming him.

So hmm….how do we….be….BOTH?

3. Being Yourself

This is the elusive advice we hear all the time and consistently roll our eyes at.  It’s corny!  It’s redundant!  It’s common sense!  And yet most of us have no idea HOW to do it…and THAT’S the problem.

What Being Him Means To Men…

  • Might piss her off
  • She might not like you if she sees who you really are and what you’re really like
  • Might mean you being too quiet or too shy or too reserved or you being too offensive too negative or too cynical
  • Might not be all that interesting or charming or attractive or witty or funny or just ENOUGH!

What Being Him Means To Women…

  • Means having a man unlike any other man she’s ever met before or ever will again
  • Having somebody that no one else will
  • Feeling comfortable enough to let her guard down
  • Being able to trust you 100% of the time because you always KEEP IT REAL

Why “Being Yourself” Seems to Suck

The problem with “being yourself” is that people don’t know HOW to do it.

You saying the wrong thing or being reserved or not having impressive enough stuff to say isn’t you being you…

That’s you ACTING a certain type of way because of what society told you to do or not do.


I make my clients write down 10 things that are 100% unique to them on our first sessions and I’ve seen things like:

“I wear my socks inside out because I think they absorb shock better that way”

“I rub my feet together like a grasshopper before I get into bed because the thought of dirt in my bed creeps me out”

“I touch the side of the airplane for good luck every time I fly and I have no idea why”

These are all examples of “Being Yourself” that my clients didn’t even realize they were doing.

Being Yourself means saying or acting on your unfiltered in-the-moment thoughts, reactions, feelings, and experiences.

It means separating yourself from any other man she’s ever met and any other person on the planet…

Because no other man on the planet will EVER have your unique personal thoughts, feelings, or experiences.

We want the guy who says exactly what’s on his mind and the guy who puts his foot down when we’re being irrational bitches…

In the same turn we want the guy who can see we’re having a bad day and NOTICE to say, “You seem really stressed…what’s going on?”…without taking it personally or getting mad at us for it.

We want BOTH those guys…and both those guys can only come out when you’re Being YOURSELF.

The easiest way to see if you’re “Being Yourself” is to ask yourself, “Am I doing/not doing this because I actually WANT to or because this is what I think will WORK/make me look less stupid?”

The second you get away from what you actually WANT for yourself is the second you step away from yourself.

Learning lines and routines that are being taught in mass quantities to other men only makes you disappear more into the herd and hoards of other guys trying desperately to be SOMEONE ELSE…

And the more you fall in line with what everyone else is doing…GUESS WHAT the more you seem like a guy we can ignore on AUTOPILOT.

So make sure you find out what it takes to be The Asshole that she finds exciting and awesome and worth the chase…The Nice Guy that she gushes over and brags to all her friends about…

…and the YOURSELF that’s unlike any other guy she’ll ever get to come across.

Check out: Romantic or needy? The real reason guys get tunnel vision with women

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About the author:

Jessica J started out en route to become a Marriage and Family Therapist, only to find that her passion was more geared towards sex and dating.

Jessica runs Level Up Seduction and has launched several online instructional programs. She is now the resident dating coach on Playboy Radio’s, The Couch, and continues to assist men in all things dating, sex and self related. Find out more about Jessica’s coaching and services at levelupseduction.com.

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