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How to overcome shyness! (57 great tips)

How to overcome shyness & social anxiety to get social confidence.

Shyness and social anxiety can ruin a persons self esteem and social freedom.

“She’s so awkward! Everything she says is stupid. And look at what she’s wearing – ugh. Such white trash; why does she even bother? She should just go away already.” I heard this in my head every time I ventured into public. It echoed endlessly until I wished I could disappear. I huddled in the corner, afraid to speak to anyone and trying to be invisible.” – Kittie Eubank

For many guys, shyness prevents any chance of getting into a quality relationship. It’s hard to talk to women when our palms start tohow to overcome shyness sweat even thinking about it.

It’s not just relationships:

Being shy can ruin our chances of making new friends, being comfortable at social events, and even getting a raise or promotion. When we’re shy in the workplace, it’s easy to get passed up for more outgoing personalities.

(Overcome shyness, build confidence, and  improve all of your relationships. Click here for info.)

But what exactly is shyness?

What is shyness?

The American Psychological Association defines it as:

“The tendency to feel awkward, worried or tense during social encounters, especially with unfamiliar people. Severely shy people may have physical symptoms like blushing, sweating, a pounding heart or upset stomach; negative feelings about themselves; worries about how others view them; and a tendency to withdraw from social interactions.” – APA

It’s normal to be shy in some situations, especially if we’re not familiar. It’s only a problem when it starts to interfere with life, and alters the choices we make.

Download this entire guide as a PDF! Click here

Not accepting an invite to a party, avoiding networking which could improve our careers, or not asking out a girl we like are all areas where shyness can lower the quality of life.

How do I overcome shyness?

Just like any area of self improvement, overcoming shyness and social anxiety, also called “social phobia”, is about what we do. Thinking it away doesn’t work.

Mindset is crucial, but we should always focus on which actions we should take to overcome shyness.

“Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strength. When you overcome hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength.” – Arnold Schwarzenegger

Although it may be awkward, going to more social events, not less, is the key. Social confidence comes from directly challenging your fears and doing the things that cause anxiety.

Take baby steps though, too much too soon can be a path to failure.

How can I succeed socially?

It’s going to require a lot of effort. With dedication, there isn’t any limit to how far you can go.

Read the 57 shyness tips below, or skip to the Q&A with the clickable table contents. You’ll find useful links which provide more details on different tips and techniques to overcome shyness. You’ll also find videos to help you succeed socially.

 

Part 1 Top^

57 tips to overcome shyness

1. A good teacher or coach can speed up progress

Having a coach in your corner can allow you to do the things you’d never do on your own. Its an extra push, accountability and support to get through tough challenges. When dealing with shyness, coaching can be the edge that get’s you past your sticking points.

2. Join a performing arts class

“I joined theater in 10th grade and was forced out of my own comfort zone.” – Lukas Schwekendiek

Being part of a performing arts class can put the pressure on, in a good way. In a supportive environment, you’ll learn how to perform in front of other people. You’ll also learn how to change your emotions for a better performance. If you can change your emotions, you can reduce shyness and be more social.

3. Teach what you’re good at

When we do something we have experience in it’s easier to feel confident. Pick a skill that you’re confident in then offer to teach some of your friends or family. You can even put an ad in Craigslist or any online classifieds site.

Showing other people a new skill will take your focus off of yourself, and put it on your students.

4. Narrow your focus to specific skills

Challenge yourself to learn specific social situations. One month you may try dance lessons, another could be business networking, and another month you may try speed dating. By splitting up each scenario you’ll avoid becoming overwhelmed trying to overcome shyness everywhere. You’ll also be able to focus on the specific skills involved in each scenario.

5. Don’t be late

Being late is not only a bad habit, but one that will increase social anxiety. When we’re late, it makes us more self conscious. Who wants to show up at a class only to have everyone look when we walk in and interrupt? Or what about a date? When we show up late we’re just adding one more thing (in our minds) for the other person to judge us by. Eliminate some anxiety and self consciousness by making a habit of being on time.

6. Give yourself praise

Pause at the end of the day to praise yourself for the good things you’ve done. It can be a small thing, like showing up on time or having complimented someone. By giving yourself praise you’ll send some ‘positive energy’ your own way.

“I realized that I am beautiful and always have been; I was just too blind to see it.

My heart opened to the truth that I have intrinsic value as a human being, and I bring something to the world that not a single other person can offer. It’s not about what I’m wearing or how much I weigh or what anyone else thinks about me. I am enough. Just as I am, right in this instant.” – Kittie Eubank

What do you think? Skip to the bottom to comment!

7. Never put yourself down

Calling yourself names will never make anything better. Avoid all self-slander and demotivating self talk. Use constructive criticism instead when a self analysis is necessary.

8. Use positive self talk

Talk yourself up when you need a boost. Sometimes we just need a little more time to get through a situation. By using positive self talk your’ll be able to stretch your limits and perform better. Also use “you” instead of “I”. Some studies show that saying “You can do it” is more effective than saying “I can do it”.

9. Exposure therapy

“Exposure therapy is a technique in behavior therapy used to treat anxiety disorders. It involves the exposure of the patient to the feared object or context without any danger, in order to overcome their anxiety and/or distress.” – Wikipedia

By exposing ourselves in small increments (baby steps) to the things we fear, we lose our fear. Sometimes social anxiety will never go away completely but getting it to manageable levels can change our lives.

Don’t worry about going to a therapist to get exposure therapy, you can do it yourself. Go every day into a social situation where you feel shy, chat a little, and then move on. By doing this daily the shyness will slowly decrease.

If you have extreme shyness you might consider a professional therapist too. Confidence coaching can also be effective.

10. Don’t hang out with shy people

It’s comfortable to be around people who are similar to us. The problem is when we’re trying to overcome shyness we don’t get positive examples to change our behavior. It’s too easy to stay the same when our closest influences hold us back.

Find more outgoing people to make friends with. You can find them at social events or on recreational sports teams.

Have you had positive or negative experience with the influence of friends or family? Skip to the bottom to comment.

11. Don’t label yourself as shy

One of the worst traps is negative self labeling. It’s ok to acknowledge certain conditions or a lack of skills in any area. That’s being honest and avoiding self delusion. It allows us to figure out what we need to work on too.

What doesn’t help is integrating shyness into our personal identity. Once we’ve established that ‘it’ IS US it’s no longer a matter of working on a skill. It becomes changing our very identity, which is much harder.

Don’t become your shyness. Identify it for what it is. A set of habits, lack of skills, or an unconscious reaction to social situations. Whatever it is, don’t let it become you.

If you’re already identifying personally with it begin to detach. Catch yourself in the act of labeling yourself as shy, and gently correct it. You can use self talk such as, “I’m working on becoming more confident.” Focus on the positive traits you’re developing.

12. Express your feelings to a journal or someone you trust

Keeping all of our feelings to ourselves doesn’t allow us to vent. It’s important to relieve the stress that shyness can cause. Especially when you’re working on improving your social skills.

Write down your experiences and feelings in a journal. If you trust someone, expressing your thoughts to them can have the same effect.

13. Go slowly

It’s impossible to change overnight. Sometimes change can be gruelingly slow. Expect your confidence to increase incrementally as you expose yourself to more social situations. If you’re moderately shy it will be faster than if you have severe shyness. Set realistic expectations to work on yourself over the course of months, even years.

As you get better you can add more difficult social challenges to overcome shyness.

14. Get out of your comfort zone

Instead of hiding from awkwardness seek it. If something makes you uncomfortable it’s a good sign that you should work on it. Get out of your shell be embracing discomfort.

15. Have a supportive group

Tell your family, friends or spouse that you’re working on your shyness. This will give you some accountability. It will also allow for others to support you so that you’re not doing it alone. Having a supportive group will increase your odds of success.

“I spent years in a poor relationship because I feared rejection. As I achieved some success in my career, I came to understand that people in general respected me and found my contributions worthwhile. Eventually, I came to the realization that this acceptance might extend to romantic partners.”

– Jim Heaphy

Can you relate to Jim? Scroll to bottom to comment.

16. Stop thinking about what others think about you, nobody cares

Instead, focus on what you think of them.  Other people are just as insecure even if they may not show it. When we put our attention on other people and decide what we think of them, we can take the pressure off ourselves.

That doesn’t mean to be judgmental, just be aware that everyone else is as human as you. They’re also insecure, nervous, shy, and worried about judgment. They’re much too worried about what you think to care about judging you.

“For me, that is the crux of no longer being shy – taking the focus off what others think of me and placing it on being my best self and surrounding myself with others who make me want to be a better person.” Kittie-Eubank

17. Call your friend across the street (loudly)

When standing on a street corner, call out loudly to your friends on the other side. This will temporarily force you to deal with a few eyes pointing in your direction.

18. Write down your shyness goals

Knowing what you want to do about your shyness is an important first step. We all don’t have to be as confident as James Bond. Maybe you just want to feel comfortable in a small group? For other people it might be about overcoming stage fright, and yet others might want to be able to cold approach women.

Knowing what your goals are will help you narrow your focus. You’ll be able to tackle specific situations instead of worrying about all of them.

Once you know, write them down. By writing them down, we take them out of the idea category and make it a real thing.

19. Learn to love yourself

When we don’t love ourselves how can we believe that anyone else will? Learn to love yourself by taking time out of the day to reflect and pamper yourself. Focus on your good attributes. Take care of your health by eating well and sleeping well. All of these little things show self care and appreciation.

20. Take care of your fitness

A lot of insecurities come from bad self image. Many of us are more likely to be self conscious if we’re worried about our big gut, or about how skinny we are.

Most of my life I was a skinny guy. It was a major point of insecurity. When I got older I learned how to workout more effectively, and added a lot of size. I never became ‘jacked’ or muscular, but being stronger and fitter eliminated my body insecurity.

Have you ever dealt with body insecurity? Scroll down to comment.

21. Eat well

A bad diet is a sure fire way to increase anxiety and stress. If we’re more anxious then our shyness is also going to be worse. Eliminate high sugar junk food to avoid agitating social anxiety.

22. Sleep well

Bad sleep lowers intelligence, increases stress, and can cause anxiety too. We can minimize the social anxiety we feel by getting better sleep.

23. Stay away from negative news media

Pumping our minds full of media junk is a sure way to increase a general feeling of ‘unease’. When we’re trying to work on our confidence, anything that causes a bad outlook on life has to go! Every little thing counts, so don’t consume the daily bad news that the media uses to get clicks.

24. Consume positive news media

Just as consuming negative news can cause a negative outlook, consuming positive media will do the opposite. Watch inspirational videos, read uplifting stories, and get your daily dose of personal development. That slight edge from taking in the good stuff could be the difference between getting into a conversation with a stranger, or keeping to ourselves.

25. Use breathing exercises

Some social stress can be calmed down by taking control of our breathing. When you feel nervousness coming on, focus on your breathing. It will become shallow when social anxiety is overwhelming us. Take deep breathes to eliminate the tension.

26. Change your body language

Our body language is a sort of insecurity feedback loop. When we feel socially anxious, our body language looks insecure. When we adopt that negative body language, we feel more insecure. Body language can also be habitual, which means you’re probably repeating shy postures unconsciously.

We can’t always change our feelings with a single thought. Instead, interrupt the negative cycle by controlling your posture.

Stand up straight, lift your chin up slightly, hands out of your pockets, and unpin elbows from your ribs. by being bigger and taking space it will create feelings of confidence. Do this regularly and it will get easier to make yourself feel confident. At least, more confident.

27. Practice power poses 

Amy Cuddy explains power poses in her 2012 TED Talk. Power poses, just like positive body language, will instantly change the way you feel. Use these before going into a situation where you feel shy.

28. Practice gratitude

Feeling grateful for what we already have has a calming effect. It allows us to focus on the good things. Focusing on what’s already good is a great long term strategy to use while working on what could be better.

Sometimes I still wake up experiencing anxiety. This will usually happen during extra stressful times, especially if I neglect myself. Gratitude always helps me to regain control and start on the right foot. First, I’ll focus on my breath. Then, I’ll put my attention on the things I’m already happy about. This simple strategy has saved many of my days from going down the drain.

You can also try Marie Forleo’s suggestion and start a gratitude journal.

29. Learn a martial art or boxing

Learning a martial art means getting into a group scenario. Being in direct contact with many different personalities allows us to develop social skills. It also is a great place to make lasting friendships because training with others creates deep bonds.

“At its core, martial arts teaches us the importance of socializing with others and it increases our social circles tenfold.”

Not only is it a good time to work on shyness with classmates, but martial arts will also increase your discipline and fitness levels.

Another reason that martial arts training will increase confidence is because it creates a secure sense of self. When you know you can handle yourself if things go wrong, you’ll naturally hold yourself more confidently. Other people will notice how you hold yourself and respect your space.

“Imagine being able to walk down a dark alley without fear, or being a woman that has the ability to take control over any situation. Any martial artist will tell you that the confidence they feel knowing that they are able to defend themselves in any compromising situation is incomparable. The self-defense skills you learn in class – from sparring to the techniques, prepare you for real-life situations.” – Evolve MMA

30. Learn to sing

“The first time I went on, I got booed off stage as I could not remember the words or chords to the song I could play in my sleep! I felt like crap but it got better and so did my shyness. The instincts that pushed me to overcome stage-fright pushed me to become calm in many of the social and business settings I would placed in the future.” – Sae Min Ahn

Singing usually means having an audience. This forces us to deal with insecure thoughts about being judged. Being a bad or good singer. Or even the weird shirt we wore that evening.

The good thing about singing lessons is that you’ll learn with an instructor, and with other beginners. This will take away some self consciousness and allow you to grow.

“As someone who experienced low self-esteem for a long time, singing has, personally, made a huge difference to my life.”  – Fay Agathangelou

Here are some more benefits of singing according to Healthyplace.com

  • It helps to release your inhibitions and it gives you the freedom to be yourself.
  • It’s very personal and a way of nurturing yourself as a person.
  • It lifts your mood and it’s fun.
  • It distracts your mind from negative thoughts.
  • It helps with breathing, relaxation and slowing your heart rate.
  • It helps to relieve stress and muscle tension.
  • It helps with focus and concentration.
  • It helps with mindfulness and being in the present moment.
  • It can be meditative.
  • It’s challenging and rewarding.
  • It gives you meaning and purpose.
  • It takes you out of your comfort zone and it’s empowering.
  • It gives you a sense of achievement.
  • It’s a way of expressing yourself and your emotions.
  • It’s a way of meeting new people, especially when you join a group.

31. Decide to overcome shyness

Don’t “try” and don’t “give it a shot”. The way you describe your goal will affect your outcome. If you’re just trying you don’t really have any skin in the game. Make a commitment and decide to beat shyness.

32. Stop saying “can’t”

Telling ourselves how we “can’t” do anything becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

Positive self talk can get us through the most difficult challenges. The opposite is true for negative self talk. Telling yourself that you ‘can’t’ will demotivate you and lead to quitting.

How do you know for a fact that you really and truly cannot do something? Have you given it your best, failed, fell, flunked and then attempted at least two more times? Have you pushed yourself outside that awful comfort zone that keeps you trapped to know your true boundaries? Have you explored every which way possible? – Farnoosh Brock

Here’s a great exercise to break the “can’t” habit, from prolificliving.com

Replace every statement of “cannot” with the statement of “choose not”.

Examples:
I can’t travel => I choose not to travel.
I can’t do yoga => I choose not to do yoga.
I can’t stand up for myself => I choose not to stand up for myself.

33. Do a video vlog

It may seem strange, but when I started vlogging I was really uncomfortable. You’d think it would be easy, but staring into the camera made my mind go blank. Worse yet, posting my videos online brought up all sorts of negative thoughts. I felt like I’d be plagued by trolls and negative comments.

What happened? Nothing. Most comments turned out to be positive. Eventually posting online was no biggie.

Start by filming videos which you keep to yourself. Most of the videos I filmed years ago never made it online, and I’ve since deleted some which did because my new videos are better.

When you feel more confident, start posting on YouTube. This will further stretch your comfort zone.

34. Write a public blog

Writing a public blog scared me at first. I was exposing my opinion to random strangers online. This caused more than a little anxiety. Just as with vlogging, nothing bad happened when I started posting online. Eventually I started writing on some publications which have major traffic. That was another anxiety hurdle and another success.

Pick a topic you’re really passionate about. If there’s nothing you want to write about, try a public journal.

35. Speak to a stranger a day

Get out every day with the goal of speaking to at least one stranger. It can be in a coffee shop line up, a table next to you at a restaurant, or even with the girl you ordered your drink from. Start a conversation by making a simple observation. It could be the crazy heat, some jewelry they’re wearing, or a comment on the book she has.

Speaking to strangers allows us to get outside of our own heads. It helps us to connect with others, and is a great way to overcome shyness.

“It seems like a very small thing if I talk to a stranger, and learn something about them… but it stacks up, it’s incremental.” – Kio Stark

36. Approach women (or men)

Approaching women is a surefire way to stir up some adrenaline. It’s also a great way to grow a thicker skin by learning to deal with rejection. The fear of rejection is a big part of shyness. Bringing it out into the open is essential for personal growth.

Not only will you learn how to overcome shyness, you can get some dates too. For many, it can be too much to handle on their own. If that’s you, then you might consider dating coaching.

P.S. this is an old interview I did with Derek Cajun (Love Systems) on overcoming approach anxiety.

37. Observe other people

What do other people do in social situations? It’s easier to figure absorb social skills when we observe others in the same situations we want to be in. Pay attention to how people use their voices, their body language, eye contact, and their reactions to certain behaviors.

38. Good mornings

Every morning on you’re way to work, say “good morning” to the people who pass. Simple, right? Many shy people will find this simple act to be uncomfortable. A lot people who don’t consider themselves to by shy also find it uncomfortable because they’re not used to it. That makes them feel “weird”.

Make this part of your daily routine for social confidence. When you start getting used to it, you’ll know that you’ve already become a more social person.

39. Eye contact and a smile game

Here’s how you do it:

Walk down the street and meet each persons eyes with your own. If they look at you, smile. If they look away, just keep walking.

Avoid aggressively staring by keeping your facial expression inquisitive, like you’re curious about the people you see. If you attempt eye contact and they don’t reciprocate, don’t worry about it. Look away after a couple of seconds to avoid overdoing it.

40. Don’t be a perfectionist

Some of my students get deterred when they look at me talk to women. They realize they’ll probably never be as good as I am. It’s true, I’ve been doing this for 10 years and have devoted a ridiculous amount of time to meeting women and dating.

But here’s the thing: why would anyone have to be as good as a pro to get great results? Can you not enjoy a game of soccer without playing like David Beckham?

“Aiming for perfection is the ultimate confidence killer, because if you aim for perfection, you’ll always fall short.” – Derek Halpern

Aim to improve your own personal social skills and confidence. Not to become perfect. Doing that will only cause frustration and end up in quitting.

Perfectionism is also a path to procrastination:

“Perfectionist tends to conjure up an immaculate vision of how things should be. So when it’s time to get to work, they become extremely detail oriented, start to obsess about every single thing, get weighed down by every problem, and get caught up by the need to create everything perfectly. Over time, the “pain” of such intricate attention becomes too painful, and this subsequently leads to procrastination — putting off a task to get some relief, but is in actual fact pushing away the pain that they create with each task.” – Personal Excellence

41. Dress better

Dressing better will make you feel good about yourself. It’s hard not to be self conscious when we hate the way we look. Look up some ideas in fashion catalogs, or ask an attractive girl for her opinion at a retail store. It will bring out some shyness but is a good way to start a conversation.

“You have to remember that you’re a man, and being extravagant isn’t necessary. You don’t need a lot of bells and whistles to look great.”

– Robert, Restart Your Style

Here’s a great guide on the basics of style for men from Restart Your Style. Check out: 20 must follow rules for men who want to dress well

42. Use a “no effort conversation starter”

Another name for this is ‘peacocking’. This is a great idea by Derek Halpern to get other people to start conversations with you.

Wear a shirt that says something weird or interesting. You could also wear a hot with a slogan on it. Whatever it is, make sure it stands out. When you go into public people will be compelled to start chatting with you. You can check out more on this idea here.

43. Visualization

A lot of shyness comes from being unfamiliar with social situations. Learn how to visualize yourself in different scenarios, talking to people. This will give you more confidence to speak since you’ve already ‘been there’ in your mind.

44. Focus on them, not you

Focus on the person in front of you to reduce your social anxiety. A lot of shyness comes down to being self absorbed and only thinking about ourselves. Show interest in the person in front of you; what does she do? Why does she do it?

45. Listen instead of thinking what to say next

Don’t wait for your opportunity to speak. Far too many people don’t actively listen, they just nod their heads while waiting for a chance to jump in. Instead, be a good listener.

Repeat back to her, in your own words, what she just told you. Then, add an opinion to it and dig deeper by asking another question. I call this the snowball technique, and it’s great for creating deep conversations and making connections.

46. Learn Stoicism

Stoicism is an ancient Greek philosophy that many contemporary greats have adopted. This philosophy teaches us to see things the way that they are, and not embellish. It’s also helps us to detach emotionally from things that can stir us up. For more info try The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living

47. Give compliments

It can feel awkward to compliment people when we’re not used to it. Sincere compliments are a great way to charm those around us and make connections. It’s also a good chance for you to practice getting out of your shell.

To make a sincere compliment, look at her and pick a quality like her sense of style, jewelry, hairstyle, or whatever else stand out to you. Keep the compliment low key and don’t repeat it more than once. Just be causal like, “That’s a nice tie. Where did you get it?” or “You have nicely done nails. Good summer colours.”

48. Smile at people

Smiles not only make others happy, but they also make the smiler happy too. When we smile it tells others we’re friendly and open to being approached. Smile at a stranger every time you go out to spread the good vibe to yourself and others.

49. Meditate

Meditation has a calming effect and helps us to sharpen our focus. Doing this on a daily basis will relieve anxiety that agitates shyness.

“Anxiety is a cognitive state connected to an inability to regulate your emotional responses to perceived threats. Mindfulness meditation strengthens a person’s cognitive ability to regulate emotions.”

50. Practice scenarios

Before going to a social even, rehearse what you’ll say to open conversations. What will you say and do when someone approaches you? How will you respond? How will you approach other people? Although scripting an entire conversation isn’t possible or desirable, practicing the opening and exit for a conversation will give you more confidence.

51. Don’t “socialize” online

It’s too easy to fool ourselves thinking that by chatting online we’re socializing. In reality, online friends are mostly a distraction and can deprive us of real human interactions. When we don’t have face to face chats shyness will get stronger.

“Social support can be a strong predictor of positive mental health. Emotional support has been shown to protect us from a wide array of both psychiatric and physical ailments. But unlike online friendships, real-life relationships take time and effort. They help us learn about others and ultimately ourselves.” – Shelly Bonanno, Pychcentral.com

What do you think about the effect of social media on our ability to socialize? Scroll down to comment.

52. Recharge

All of these social exercises are going to make you uncomfortable, tense, and use a lot of energy. Whenever we try something new it takes extra effort. Especially when dealing with shyness. Not giving yourself a chance to recharge is a sure fire way to burn out and quit. Leave the city and recharge in nature. You’ll improve your concentration, short term memory and relieve stress.

53. Reward yourself

It’s important to reward ourselves while waiting for our new social skills and confidence to develop. Add some extra incentive for talking to random strangers by adding a treat for taking an action. Whether it’s approaching an attractive woman, starting a conversation at a cafe or going to a social event, give yourself a reward for following through. This is a great way to build a new habit too.

54. Speed dating

Maybe you’re not ready to approach an attractive stranger. If that’s so, speed dating will get you in front of some potential dates fast. It’s a good chance to practice body language, eye contact, and conversational skills. Experiment with different openers so you don’t say the same thing to your dates as every other guy in the room.

55. Meetup.com groups

Meetup.com has a ton of different social groups for almost any niche possible. Going to an established group will allow you to have conversations with new people in a controlled environment. Everyone there will be there for the same reasons as you; to meet new people and have fun. In your case, you’ll be able to sharpen your conversational skills and acclimate yourself to being in a group.

56. Join a beer league

The potential for fun while drinking and playing baseball probably doesn’t have to be explained. One extra benefit is that everyone will be focused on the game and drinking, which will give you breaks to recharge in between conversations.

You’ll probably get introduced by the organizer, so that will take pressure off of having to do it yourself. After that, grab a beer and enjoy the game.

57. Learn conversation skills

In most cases, shyness means having a deficit in social skills which create confidence. Learn conversation skills by observing conversations and going to social events to practice.  Public speaking is another way to develop conversation skills. Most of the qualities of a good public speaker apply to conversations, except to be a great conversationalist you’ll want to focus on listening more.

“Be present. Be in that moment. Don’t think about your argument you had with your boss. Don’t think about what you’re going to have for dinner. If you want to get out of the conversation, get out of the conversation but don’t be half in it and half out of it.” – Celeste Headlee

Shyness Q&A

 

Part 2 Top^

How to not be shy in front of your crush?

It’s easy to be shy around someone we’re attracted to. When we see them, our heart starts beating, body temperature increases and our palms start sweating. Who wants to talk to their crush after turning into such a mess?

The key here is to gain control of your physical reaction. The sweaty palms, racing heart and high temperature can all be calmed.

First, read the entirety of this post for personal development tips to reduce your overall shyness and improved confidence.

Now, to gain control of your nervous physical reaction, follow the steps below:

  1. Breath: The first thing to do is take deep, controlled breaths. When we’re nervous, our breathing will become shallow. This will aggravate our anxiety and allow it to spiral out of control. When you take deep breathes, it has a calming effect on the nervous system and allows for clear thinking and stress relief.
  2. Posture: Shyness almost always involves bad posture. Most people will put their hands in their pockets, cross their arms, and pin their elbows to their ribs when nervous. To combat these feelings, pay attention to your body language. Are your muscles tightening up? Consciously relax them. Hunched forward? Then stand tall. Arms pinned to your ribs? Relax them and let them expand away from your body.
  3. Focus: What are you thinking about when you see your crush? Chances are that the main focus is on yourself. Insecurity tends to make people hyper sensitive to their own shortcomings, whether real or imagined. Change your focus to your breath, something in your environment, or a conversation. If you’re talking to your crush then focus on her words. Be curious and ask questions which go below the surface.

 

Part 3 Top^

Overcoming shyness books

Here’s a list of books which may help you on your quest to overcome shyness and social anxiety. I don’t endorse these books as I have not read them, but there is a wide selection on Amazon with great reviews.

If you try one of these books, please comment below about your experience.

Overcoming Shyness: Break Out of Your Shell and Express Your True Self

Shyness and Social Anxiety Workbook: Proven, Step-by-Step Techniques for Overcoming your Fear

Social Anxiety Solution: Proven Techniques for Overcoming Shyness, Social Anxiety, Low Self-Esteem, and Negative Emotions

Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness: A Self-Help Guide Using Cognitive Behavioral Techniques

The Solution To Social Anxiety: Break Free From The Shyness That Holds You Back

How to overcome shyness wikihow

Wikihow has a great list of steps which can further your knowledge on overcoming shyness. Check it out here.

 

Part 4 Top^

Overcoming social anxiety step by step

The Indiana University page from the Shyness Research Institute goes over some basic steps to overcome shyness.

 

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How to stop being shy and quiet

My experience with coaching has shown me that when guys get shy, their voices get quiet. As soon as a man goes and talks to a woman, and lowers the volume of his voice, the chances of anything happening are slim to none.

It’s a submissive gesture to lower our voices. When a man shows up and says, “Hey! I’m submissive and nervous!” it’s an automatic turn off for women.

They want an assertive, confident man who doesn’t apologize for what he wants.

Of course, this isn’t all about dating. So what about in other social situations? Whether you’re a ,man or a woman, being quiet because of shyness can feel suffocating. It’s a sort of attempt to hide and not draw any attention your way.

To overcome this tendency, practice raising your voice.

Chances are that your voice is much quieter than you even imagine. This will make it hard to gauge how much to turn up the volume, but any practice will make you less self conscious.

Here are some signs that you speak too quietly:

  1. People always asking you to repeat yourself.
  2. People tend to lean in to hear you.
  3. Misunderstanding are frequent, which forces you to re explain.

Here’s how to improve your speaking volume:

  1. Take a deep breath before speaking so that the ‘chamber’ is full.
  2. Speak from your diaphragm
  3.  Stand tall and don’t lean forward
  4. Unpin your arms from your sides
  5. Focus on clearly enunciating each word

Those tips will help you open up your chest and speak louder. Dealing with being self conscious will take some deliberate practice bringing attention to yourself though.

Try:

  1. Loudly calling your friends from across the street “I’m over here!” or just “Hey!”
  2. Having a conversation in a loud room (will force you to speak louder). Just don’t lean in to compensate.
  3. Public speaking courses
  4. Acting or drama courses

 

Part 6 Top^

How to overcome shyness at school

It can be tough to deal with shyness at school with all of the different pressures we get exposed to.

Schools are small communities, so ‘word’ tends to get around, and reputations spread quickly. That makes social anxiety all the more difficult to deal with.

There are some things we can do to ease the nerves a bit.

  1. Be on time: Being late for classes will increase our own stress by forcing us to rush. It will also bring extra attention when we walk through that door and the teacher has already begun the lesson. On a reverse note, dealing with that extra attention will diminish shyness, but being late isn’t the best way to do this.
  2. Be active in your school: Don’t let shyness force you into obscurity. The more social situations are avoided, the more control shyness will take. Deal with it directly by getting involved with school or social activities.
  3. Challenge yourself: Make a point of targeting specific social situations which make you feel awkward. Maybe it’s joining a group of friends who are already chatting, or doing a presentation in front of the class. Work on these one by one until you get more confident.

 

Part 7 Top^

How to overcome shyness at work

Just like school, work can cause extra anxiety for some shy people. Use the same steps mentioned above to overcome work related shyness. Another thing to do is to become really good at what you do. When we feel competent at our jobs it builds confidence.

Be the go to expert at your work and people will soon start coming to you for advice. This will provide more opportunities to socialize and build your confidence.

 

Part 8 Top^

What are symptoms of social anxiety disorder?

You don’t have to have social anxiety disorder or extreme shyness to experience these symptoms. Many moderately shy people will be familiar with the following (from the Mayo Clinic):

  • Fear of situations in which you may be judged
  • Worrying about embarrassing or humiliating yourself
  • Concern that you’ll offend someone
  • Intense fear of interacting or talking with strangers
  • Fear that others will notice that you look anxious
  • Fear of physical symptoms that may cause you embarrassment, such as blushing, sweating, trembling or having a shaky voice
  • Avoiding doing things or speaking to people out of fear of embarrassment
  • Avoiding situations where you might be the center of attention
  • Having anxiety in anticipation of a feared activity or event
  • Spending time after a social situation analyzing your performance and identifying flaws in your interactions
  • Expecting the worst possible consequences from a negative experience during a social situation

If any of these things is causing you to change your behavior, then it may be time to work on it.

 

Part 9 Top^

How to help someone with social anxiety

According to Healthline, you should:

  1. Work with their emotions: Don’t try to rationalize their feelings away. Accept that they are experiencing emotional difficulties with a situation, and help them with your support.
  2. Focus on their feelings: Ask them how they are feeling as opposed to asking why their feeling anxious. Let them express themselves without interruption.
  3. Use distraction techniques: Get them focused on something else, like a walk, game, or creative activity.
  4. Be patient: Don’t rush or lose your temper. Allow them time to fully calm down.
  5. Be funny: Humor goes a long way in making people feel good. By cracking a few jokes you can help them to relieve some of the tension their feeling.

Finally, social anxiety takes some real personal growth. Encourage your friend to get coaching, therapy or even recommend a course or books which could help.

 

Part 10 Top^

How to overcome social awkwardness?

Social awkwardness comes down to a feeling of not fitting in, or not feeling right. It can cause us to act oddly at times. It can also make us feel like we’re not being ourselves.

To overcome social awkwardness:

  1. Build social confidence through practice: Go to as many social events as you can. The more the better. You’ll need to get into conversations at these events to learn good conversational skills.
  2. Take public speaking courses: By taking public speaking, you’ll learn how to use your voice, handle attention, pronounce clearly, and how to get your message across.
  3. Get fit: Although not a social skill, getting fit will add to your confidence. The less insecurity you feel, the less awkward you’ll be.

 

Part 11 Top^

But I don’t like people.

If that’s the case, it’s going to be hard to make progress. I used to be the same though. I hated being around people, and would always find reasons why “people suck”.

It turned out that was just my depression talking. When I changed my focus to the good qualities people possess, everything started to change. I started to like people, and this grew my desire to learn how to make connections.

How to like people:

  1. Look at the good: Focus on the good qualities in everyone you meet
  2. Don’t generalize: If someone is a jerk, don’t generalize, “All people are jerks.” Instead, recognize everyone is different.
  3. Empathize: That ‘jerk’ may have just had a bad day, a break up, financial trouble or other issues. Recognize that he/she may not be displaying his whole character.
  4. Improve your own character: Sometimes jerks are a reflection of what were projecting. When you show up with a scowl on your face, a bad attitude, or a demanding or impolite tone of voice, other people will react in kind. You can improve your character with step 4, or try doing things for others with no expectation of something in return.
  5. Confront your social fears: Sometimes disliking other people is about our own fears of them. Expose yourself to social situations to and get into conversations.

 

Part 12 Top^

Overcoming shyness PDF

Download this post as a PDF which you can take anywhere. Click Here for yours

 

“My experiences with shyness came down to fear of the unknown, as in “what is going to happen?” and fear of disapproval. The way to get past this is to have scenarios modeled and to understand one’s own value in the world.   Modeling scenarios helps with that “what will happen?” question…” – Doug Dingus

Want personal help to overcome shyness and build confidence?

Learn faster and better with one on one coaching.

Click here for info on confidence coaching

Which was your favorite tip? Comment below!

How to Approach Women (21 Dating Tips)

How to approach a woman 2017 guide

If you’ve ever wondered what to say when approaching an attractive girl, this is your guide.how to approach women 2017

Learn how to:

  • Approach women
  • Get more dates
  • Start conversations
  • What to say and talk about
  • Build your confidence
  • Avoid being “creepy”
  • Approach girls for  relationships
  • Talk to women at work
  • Overcome shyness

Read More→

27 dating coach facts you need to know

27 dating coach facts you need to know before hiring.

If you’re wondering what a dating coach does, and how date coaching can help you, this post breaks down everything you need to know before you hire help for your love life.

Most dating coaches lie about the results you can get from training. They recommend quick fixes that make them the most money but don’t get men permanent results. Boot camps, for example, which I explain below.

I go over my story from being very shy and suffering from social anxiety to becoming confident with women, how a dating coach helped me get over my fears, and a Q&A. 

If you’re considering coaching then read on. Use the clickable table of contents to skip to the topics that interest you.

^

Part 1: The social bootcamp which changed my life

Part 2: How I became a dating coach

Part 3: Do dating coaches work?

Part 4: So are you like Hitch then?

Part 5: Why are you a dating expert for men?

Part 6: I need a dating coach, how can I find one?

Part 7: Online dating coaching

Part 8: What’s the difference between a relationship and dating coach?

Part 9: Are you a matchmaker?

Part 10: Do you run PUA training bootcamps?

Part 11: What if I’m ugly and overweight?

Part 12: Have you met any absolute impossible guys to coach?

Part 13: Do you think it’s a numbers game?

Part 14: What Is your relationship status?

Part 15: What do you think about the PUA scene?

Part 16: What exactly makes you not a PUA?

Part 17: Do you work with both genders and all ages?

Part 18: How do you help guys who have extreme self-esteem issues?

Part 19: How much do you charge?

Part 20: Can I attract any woman?

Part 21: How long will it take me to get over approach anxiety?

Part 22: How long will it take me to get good with women?

Part 23: How long will it take me to meet women?

Part 24: What is a dating bootcamp?

Part 25: What is a pick up artist?

Part 26: What Can I Expect When I Work With A Dating Or Relationship Coach?

Part 27: What Issues Can A Dating Or Relationship Coach Help Me With?

 

Part 1 Top^

The social bootcamp which changed my life

I never intended to help men get into relationships. In the beginning I just wanting the freedom to meet women without using online dating or clubs. In my early twenties I had bad social anxiety and depression. Meeting anyone was difficult.

I struggled with shyness so it took a lot of work to learn how to meet women. Started with online dating, I became successful with women but still felt limited. I asked myself, “how can I talk to women anywhere I go?”

II could be standing beside a beautiful woman and freeze, unable to say anything. Then the light would change and she would walk away…

I would stand there feeling stupid for being a coward. It couldn’t be that hard, right? Why was I so shy?

One day I was browsing videos on YouTube and saw a short clip which amazed me. This guy walked up to an attractive woman and started a conversation with a compliment. That blew me away. Was it that simple? I set out to learn on my own.

For months it was a non stop struggle. The social anxiety was too much for me to overcome so I continued to watch women walk by and say nothing. That’s when I hired a dating coach and did a social bootcamp. That dating training changed my life.

Even though the training was only three hours, it was enough of a push to get started. Seeing someone else approach women made a big difference because now I had a real life example. He also made me talk to women in a ton of different situations. It was uncomfortable but also a huge thrill. I even got some dates.

This bootcamp changed my direction in life.

 

Part 2 Top^

How I became a dating coach

“How did you get into this profession?” 

A number of years after my dating bootcamp, I started getting really good at meeting women. I could talk to them anywhere; walking down the street, bus stops, malls, cafes, grocery stores, restaurants, college campuses, you name it.

There wasn’t any situation where I couldn’t get dates.

I still wanted to get better and decided teaching was the best way to do that. Teaching guys how to get dates in Vancouver made a big difference. It took the whole thing to a new level which I never expected. I had to break everything down into steps for my students to learn which made me relearn.

Meeting women while dating coaching was fun and exciting but it became more significant. I could see men change their lives right before my eyes and that gave me a bigger purpose; helping men become better at being men.

Guys who had no confidence to meet women started getting dates and girlfriends. I’ve now been training Vancouver singles and men everywhere in person and online for the last 5 years. I’ve coached men in cities like Toronto, Boston, Seattle, London, Colorado, New York, Calgary, and even in Asia where I taught a Hong Kong bootcamp. 

That’s my story from a shy guy to a dating coach in a nutshell.

dating coach calgary

 

Part 3 Top^

Do dating coaches work?

Call me biased, but yes they do. My own experience with a coach was invaluable because I no longer struggled on my own. He showed me exactly what to say and do in different scenarios. That gave me a lot of confidence knowing what worked and what didn’t. I also learned that most women are nice when you’re upfront and sincere.

That was my personal experience, but I’ve seen complete transformations by clients who hadn’t had dates in years.

One of my clients, an Asian man in his thirties, only had a handful of dates in six years. All of those women were introduced by family. After going through my program, he met dozens of women, and dated a few of them before he chose the best one.

Some people call this “infield coaching”, which just means you get training by meeting women in public with your date coach.

 

Part 4 Top^

So are you like Hitch then?

Sort of. Hitch from the movie would create scenarios to set up his clients as hero’s. The end result was women falling in love with them.

What I do is realistic. Guys learn how to become strong, confident men by challenging their fears. They do this by meeting women and learning my predictable dating system. The system is based on what has gotten myself, and clients real results.

Beyond dating, I mentor men to think bigger, change their mindsets, and take on challenges which make them grow. That could mean asking for a raise at work, telling off a bully, getting in the gym, learning discipline, and exploring their ambitions.

Working on the big picture not only makes men more attractive to women, but also creates much more fulfillment.

 

Part 5 Top^

Why are you a dating expert for men?

I’ve dated over a thousand women which gives me a different perspective than most guys. I’ve seen and tried everything, and have experienced tons of rejection before figuring things out. After years of teaching I’ve seen what works and what doesn’t work. Nothing I teach is based on guesswork, it’s all been tested in real life.

When choosing a dating coach buyer beware; The majority of coaches out there don’t have more than average levels of experience with women. It’s the blind teaching the blind, which is why so much bad dating advice exist.

Most have never approached a woman in their lives. If someone doesn’t know what it’s like to walk up to a stranger and get a date, why trust their advice?

 

Part 6 Top^

I need a dating coach, how can I find one?

You already have! If you want coaching to get good with women, fill out my online application right here. It says “Vancouver dating coach” in the title, however I serve guys in person and online around the world. Ask about my bootcamps in Asia if you want something extra exotic.

 

Part 7 Top^

Online dating coaching

I do online coaching for men around the world. With online coaching, you can expect to make huge gains in confidence, self image, lifestyle and your love life. I’ll make sure you stay on track by keeping you accountable and keeping you working on the right things for maximum results. 

Dating skills such as approaching, getting numbers, texting, and what to do on a date are all covered, as well as your personal development for long term success.

If you want online coaching you can contact me here.

 

Part 8 Top^

What’s the difference between a relationship and dating coach?

Relationship coaches usually only deal with people who are already in a relationship. Some will handle dating too and go under the ‘relationship coach’ title because they don’t want to be mistaken for pickup artist.

It’s understandable trying to avoid that association but is a bit confusing for anyone who want’s a dating coach. 

 

Part 9 Top^

Are you a matchmaker?

No. I’ve been asked many time about matching but that’s not what I do. I teach guys how to fish so they can get their own relationships. Matchmakers give guys the fish so they’re always dependent on going back to the matchmaker if things don’t go well.

It’s more satisfying to see guys become strong men instead of creating dependence.

toronto dating coach

 

Part 10 Top^

Do you run PUA training bootcamps?

My training is about making strong, independent men who can get into healthy relationships. It’s not to become “pick up artist”. If you want to learn PUA tactics then there are better coaches for that.

I run social bootcamps to help guys meet great women and overcome shyness.

The basic idea behind any dating bootcamp is the same; go out on the street or in a mall and talk to women. PUA’s tend to focus exclusively on techniques and gimmicks. My coaching creates honest, strong men.

Either can work, but it’s important to look at long term goals and your own ethics before making your choice.

 

Part 11 Top^

What if I’m ugly and overweight?

Another way to put this question is, “Will women still like me even though I’m ugly and overweight?” And the answer is yes. The way men and women get turned on is different. Men are very visual and we’ll judge women solely based on looks. At least initially. 

Women on the other hand are turned on by a man’s behavior. It’s the way you act and the energy you project that will turn her on. I can’t count how many ugly guys I’ve seen with attractive women. 

It’s not that looks don’t matter at all, but they’re secondary compared to a man’s attitude. 

This question also means implies self esteem issues. Feeling ugly is a confidence issue which can be changed with mindset training, getting experience with women, fitness, and a style makeover.

If you’re overweight then that should be handled too so that you can lose the burden. I’m not a personal trainer but will keep you accountable and refer you to a great trainer here in Vancouver. If you’re not in my city then I’ll help get you set up with someone in your area.

Don’t let your looks, or your perception about your looks stop you from leading a fulfilling life with great relationships.

 

Part 12 Top^

Have you met any absolute impossible guys to coach?

It happened one time. There was a guy who really shouldn’t have been training but I didn’t know better back then.

His attitude was really bad and he wasn’t willing to try anything. On the second day of his bootcamp he quit. This taught me a valuable lesson and I’ve never had a student fail since then.

Now, I’m very selective about who I will work with. It’s important to make sure clients receive the maximum value possible from their investment in coaching.

 

Part 13 Top^

Do you think it’s a numbers game?

Yes and no.

Numbers definitely play a part but they’re often over emphasized. What happens as you get good with women is that you’ll get more dates from less effort. Your ratio will change so that more women like you even though you’ll be talking to less. If a guy is playing pure numbers and not improving he’ll be in a losing game.

No one wants to do work for nothing, that’s why it’s important to learn the right way from the start.

 

Part 14 Top^

What Is your relationship status?

To the questions, “Hows your dating life? Do you have a steady girlfriend or have you ever?” the answer is yes. I’ve had many long term relationships and I’m currently in a serious relationship.

I met her three years ago while coaching. Part of my job is to do demonstrations, so I’ve met a lot of women while showing guys the right way to introduce themselves.

My approach to meeting women isn’t just for flings or one night stands. Long term relationships can also be developed.

 

Part 15 Top^

 What do you think about the PUA scene?

I’m not a fan of the PUA scene because I don’t like the mindset. When I started learning dating skills it had nothing to do with becoming a pickup artist. I wanted to meet women and have fun.

Eventually I discovered “the community” and became friends with some good guys. In the end I distanced myself because of the drama and negativity associated with pick up guys.

JAPAN DATING COACH

 

Part 16 Top^

What exactly makes you not a PUA?

Great question. Being a pickup artist is sort like being part of a club. Just like any club they have inside lingo, mindsets and get together in groups.

I’m not a PUA simply because I’ve distanced myself from the “community” and don’t use the same language, hang out with pickup artist, or teach PUA mindsets or gimmicks. Mindset is everything because it’s the blueprint for our actions.

My focus is on being a strong man, mentally and physically.

 

Part 17 Top^

Do you work with both genders and all ages?

I mostly work with men, although I have taken on female clients too. It’s a very different coaching experience because of the differences in dating strategies and mindset for men and women.

I teach men a very direct, assertive style that creates attraction with women. For women, I teach how to become more attractive to men, become ‘available’ so men ask them out, and personal development for the big picture (men and women).

As for age I’ve worked with everyone from 19 years old to 67. Most of my clients are between 28-42.

 

Part 18 Top^

How do you help guys who have extreme self-esteem issues?

“I haven’t had a date in 10 years. I nearly pass out when I think about approaching women. I’m also a 3/10 in looks. How do you help someone like me?”

I saw this question on Reddit but have been asked the same thing. Yes, I’ve helped guys with extreme social anxiety including 30 year old virgins, men with extreme bad self image and guys in their 40’s who’ve never had a relationship.

All men can learn but some guys will take longer than others. The question is; how badly do you want it? If you want it bad enough and follow my instructions then I can help you regardless of looks, age, self esteem issues or experience.

Keep in mind though, the more there is to work on the more time it might take. Be prepared to go all the way if you apply for coaching. Nothing great is made with half efforts. I’ll help you build up slowly so that you don’t get overwhelmed. Too much too soon is as good as nothing at all.

If bad self image is the main problem it’s going to require a mindset shift. This is done by working through the core reasons you feel bad about yourself, building experience with women, developing advanced social skills, upgrading your fitness and health, and even a makeover.

A lot of men with bad self esteem issues don’t realize how close they are to a major shift in their lives. It often only requires an outside influence to show them a new way.

Part 19 Top^

How much do you charge?

A lot.

I’m happy to say that I’m part of the 1% of coaches and am not cheap to work with. For guys who have their financial shit together, my programs change lives. Cost is a factor but if that’s the number one question on your mind I’m probably not the right coach for you.

For more affordable coaching options I’ll do a 2-3 hour coaching session. This will break through the crucial first steps men need to take to build confidence and learn skills approaching women.

Part 20 Top^

Can I attract any woman?

No. A lot of dating coaches will lie and say you can get anyone with “Three simple words” and other nonsense. You won’t, but you’ll learn how to get dates with attractive women, and be able to approach anyone.

There are so many things that are out of our control when meeting women. Their relationship status, preferences, and mood all play a part. We have a lot of influence as confident men but we can’t change everything.

Expect to learn how to get the kind of women you want, just not every single one of them. If you’ve been single for 10 years and now you want to date models it’s not realistic.

victoria dating coach

 

Part 21 Top^

How long will it take me to get over approach anxiety?

Honestly, you may never get over it.

Only psychopaths feel zero fear. Even after years of doing this, I still get a tinge of anxiety when I go and talk to women. The thing that separates me from every other guy is that I actually will talk to women, anywhere. The fear disappears fast because it’s usually the thought that creates fear. Once in action it’s not a problem.

If you learn the core skills that every man needs you may still get fear but you’ll know how to deal with it.

 

Part 22 Top^

How long will it take me to get good with women?

The answer is, I don’t know.

It depends on how ambitious you are, and where you’re starting from. I’ve seen tremendous results from guys who literally had zero experience with women in short periods.

One client lost his virginity after five months in my master program and made a lot of progress towards becoming confident. In his case, social anxiety was an issue, and he had trouble talking to anyone, let alone attractive women.

Another client I coached became a boss after a single weekend bootcamp.

He became so attractive to women that he got invited home from a gas station after approaching a hot blond. He was so confused by the request that he texted me and asked, “What should I do?” I replied, “Go home with her!” He was an exception.

Most guys will start to become proficient after 4-6 months of self help work. It may sound like a long time but there’s no quick fixes. Don’t fall for overnight lies. Working on yourself as a whole man will produce better results than just focusing on dating alone.

 

Part 23 Top^

How long will it take me to meet women?

Immediately. Getting good with women may take a few months but there is some instant gratification. I get guys talking to women the moment we go out. Some guys need a bit more time so they’ll get some warm up training first.

By putting yourself out there and talking to women anything can happen. I’ve seen guys get dates on day 1 of their training programs. It’s pretty common, although a lot of guys will go through some slow periods afterwards as they learn to get good.

The mind is a tricky thing. If you don’t have any tools to deal with fear then it’s unlikely you’ll cope. That’s why coaching is so powerful. You can get expert support to overcome the inertia that we all start with.

 

Part 24 Top^

What is a dating bootcamp?

Dating bootcamps or ‘social bootcamps’ are concentrated training programs which can give you a huge amount of experience in a short time. Boot camps run anywhere from 1 day and up to a whole week. Technically they can be longer but most guys don’t have the time or resources to go longer.

You can expect to meet a lot of women in a short time. I take guys out starting in the morning and going until the evening talking to women in the street. Usually it starts with me doing a number of demonstration approaches so guys can see it being done.

Each approach is broken down into steps for better understanding. After a student has the basic idea, I’ll get him doing approaches and critique them so he can learn fast. Students get to try dozens of scenarios with lots of different women so they’re prepared for anything.

Now here’s the downside to bootcamps; they don’t work in the long run for most guys. Even though I’ve seen men get results, most guys stop doing what they learned after their social boot camp is done. The reason is that they no longer have a mentor to support them.

It’s a lot easier when there is someone showing you the way. This is why I developed 3-6 month master programs. Guys get a chance to develop new lifestyle habits, and internalize crucial mindsets which they will carry for life.

In the end it’s up to you. If you want to try a bootcamp you’ll have a blast, just be realistic with your expectations.

 

Part 25 Top^

What is a pick up artist?

Pick up artist or PUA’s are guys who have turned picking up women into an art. They typically get together in groups to give each other feedback on approaches (and brag). PUA’s have a unique language which they use among themselves.

Just like any subculture, their language identifies insiders. Most PUA’s emphasize mass approaching and often lower the quality of their interactions because of it.

canada dating coach

 

Part 26 Top^

What Can I Expect When I Work With A Dating Or Relationship Coach?

Expect to be pushed outside of your comfort zone and to do things you never thought were possible.

A coach will give you accountability and get you doing things that you wouldn’t do on your own. I struggled for months before I got my own coach. Coaching speed up the learning process so you can get results faster than on your own.

My programs run 3-6 months, so expect to commit for the long run. The benefit is real mindset shifts, new lifestyle habits that get results, and dating skills that most guys don’t even know about. This will give you a major advantage on the dating market. No more getting left behind when a ‘cooler’ guy shows up.

 

Part 27 Top^

What Issues Can A Dating Or Relationship Coach Help Me With?

Dating coaches help with two main things; accountability and expert dating advice.

Accountability keeps you on track when things get rough. One reason so many people fail at their new years resolutions is because they don’t have anyone to keep them accountable. When our natural laziness kicks in it’s easy to “miss this one time” which turns into quitting.

Dating advice and live demonstrations will show you an entirely new way to meet and handle women. Most dating advice is bad, really bad, but it’s hard for guys to decipher. That’s why it’s important to watch demonstrations from your coach, then experience it for yourself.

Each step of the way will be laid out for you, from the initial approach, getting her number, follow up text, and the date itself.

Finally, lifestyle habits and mindset are trained. The way we think determines the actions we’ll take. Bad mindsets will stop most men from even starting. These two things will determine your long term success and ability to get into fulfilling relationships with quality women.

Are you ready to start meeting women? Check out my dating coach page for more info on working together.

Do you have a question that wasn’t answered? Comment below to let me know.

vancouver dating coach

How to Meet Women Everywhere (Mega Dating Guide)

How to meet women

The ultimate guide to meeting women and dating.

This is all about how to meet women from a romantic perspective, and stand apart from other men who choose apps, bars or online dating. Learn where to get dates in your city whether that’s Vancouver, Toronto, Los Angeles or Timbuktu, and increase your confidence at the same time. Let’s get started!

I’ll show you how to meet women anywhere in public. Don’t be limited to online dating, bars, or introductions by friends. Click Here for a free coaching session so you can attract classy, quality women

noun_98649_cc couple in love

Mainstream dating “wisdom” will keep you limited in where and how you can meet women, but who wants to be limited?

I’m going to explain why you’re not getting dates with the kind of women you want, the big lies about dating that may be holding you back, and how to change your love life forever with a few simple strategies and mindsets.


Also see: The Ultimate Guide on approaching women in public


If you:

  • Don’t want to be limited by conventional dating advice like “Do something social” or “Be yourself”
  • Are sick of fake tips from “gurus” who’ve never been with more than a handful of women
  • Are a masculine man who wants a feminine woman
  • Haven’t had the best of luck meeting women

Then read on.

This guide will take you from start to finish through almost every factor involved in meeting women for dating and relationships.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Click the links below to jump to each section, or scroll down. 

^

Part 1: Why so much bad dating advice?

Part 2: Mainstream Dating Ideas That Limit Who Men Can Meet

Part 3: Bringing the Romance Back: How Women Like to Be Pursued

Part 4: Why Being ‘Your Own Man’ Instead of Impressing Women Get’s More Women

Part 5: The “Direct Approach”method to Meet Women

Part 6: How to Meet Women With Casual Conversation (Situational Approaches)

Part 7: Mindsets That Make Meeting Women Easier

Part 8: How to Get Dates With Random Strangers (Everywhere)

Part 9: Why The Fear of Rejection Stops you From Getting Dates

Part 10: Do This If You “Don’t Feel Like” Going Out To Meet Someone

Part 11: Habits That’ll get You Women (On Autopilot)

Part 12: The Top 11 Reason Guys Fail To Meet Girls

Part 13: Men’s Style To Catch Women’s Attention

Part 14: Bad Hygiene That Kills First and Second Dates

Part 15: Manly Body Language That Attracts Women

Part 16: What Do I Say To Girls? (Verbal Skills)

 Note: This post is not about how to impress women.

You see, although you’ll become impressive to women through your actions and ballsiness, the focus is on how to be an awesome man. 

Most dating advice is the opposite, focusing on how men can pander to women, and generally be doormats (which turns women off).

Icon by Erin Gillaspy



Top^

Part 1

Why So Much Bad Dating Advise?

So much bad dating advice exist because most people simply don’t know any better, but love giving advice anyways. 

The majority of dating “experts” only have average levels of experience with women, or they’re women who have ZERO experience dating women.

Fake experts just rehash dating myths to men who then end up frustrated when nothing works.

A good measure of a “gurus” experience is how conventional their advice is. If they advise you to meet women via:

  • Social events
  • Bars
  • Online
  • Through friends
  • Speed dating
  • Matchmakers

Then you can be pretty sure that they’re not a real life James Bond with the ladies.

how to meet women

Some of these methods are valid for meeting women, but would anybody with above average experience recommend “play tennis” as dating advise?

If they knew of a better way they wouldn’t be recommending the same old cliches. I call this the “Mommy standard” for judging dating advice. If your mom could have told you exactly the same thing, then you might want to be skeptical.



Part 2 ^

Mainstream Dating Ideas That Limit Who Men Can Meet

The Vancouver Sun is a perfect example of limited thinking.

The options on their pole for “best place to score a date in Vancouver” were restricted to work, online, clubs, getting hooked up or a social activity.

I love social activities, but they’re a lot more fun when there’s no pressure to meet a woman.

how to meet women poll blog

And the sad result of this poll: A setup through a friend.

Women are everywhere, yet the conventional “go do a social activity” dating advice is the only thing most people can think of.

Some “experts” even go as far as telling men not to talk to women: From So Suave

 “Thinking “I wish I could talk to her” is NOT a sign that you need to learn how to approach strangers in public, where every hot woman is angered by or terrified of new men talking to her.Thinking “I wish I could talk to her” IS a sign you need to GET A LIFE.”

That’s a man who doesn’t know how to approach women. His advice is based on his own lack of social skills.

Sorry Ron Louis & David Copeland, but if you’re “terrifying” or “angering” hot women by talking to them then maybe you’re the one’s who shouldn’t be meeting them. Other men, on the other hand, might want to give it a try.

Since you’re here to learn how to meet women in public, you have an advantage over other guys who are stuck with conventional dating wisdom.

Let’s carry on.



Part 3 ^

Bringing The Romance Back: How Women Like To Be Pursued

This story I wrote on Elite Daily shows what’s possible and the difference between being a romantic Vs. clicking on a profile.

how to meet girls

From: Approach Women Like a Gentleman: 6 Ways To Get The Woman of Your Dreams

Quotation-MarksShe walked past me in the opposite direction. Her face was eclipsed by a black umbrella tilted slightly forward, but I could see her lips, and my senses were tempted. At that moment, I was pushing through an after-work crowd with a friend in tow, talking about how to meet women.

Serendipity struck; my friend and I kept talking, but my heart wasn’t in the conversation anymore. My head turned sharply, looking back as if caught by a fishing line, hooked and in tow.

Her jeans hugged her curvy form and brought attention to her feminine physique. Long, brownish hair with golden highlights cascaded over her shoulders and rested lightly against her back.

It was raining, ever so slightly, but still enough to feel the cold, damp air penetrate my clothing. The street was busy with people dressed in suits and overcoats leaving their offices, hustling to make it home for dinner and to find their favorite spot on the couch to kick their feet up.

I looked back again and she was starting to disappear into the crowd. Mid-sentence, I broke away and ran back, dodging umbrellas, briefcases, and power-walking office types. I got her attention as if I wanted directions and she stopped briefly to face me.

A look of surprise and caution formed on her face when I told her why I stopped her, then she started slowly walking away. A ton of people were walking through our conversational bubble, making it even more awkward as the space in between us widened, but I persisted.

“You walked past me and I ran back because I wanted to meet you,” I said. She was still moving away slowly, but I kept talking while staying planted to the ground. An awkward handshake through bustling bodies, an introduction and a minute later, her phone number was in my address book.

The encounter was brief, and it was even awkward, but that was the beginning of a romance which wasn’t planned or predictable…

That approach turned into a long term relationship with a hot, high quality girl. I know because that’s my own story.

how to meet women

Contrast my story with “I saw her pic on Tinder and thought, sure, why not! Then I swiped right…”

Benefits of Meeting Women in Public

  • It’s a romantic gesture 
  • You’ll distinguish yourself from all of the other men who would never even dare
  • It shows audacity and asseriveness which are attractive qualities to women
  • You’ll have endless options for meeting women, everyday, everywhere

Action Steps

  • Stop relying on online dating or friends to hook you up
  • Dedicate yourself to learning how to approach women  
  • Continue reading this guide

 

Tired of weekends alone?

Get one-on-one help to end your dating drought

Click here now so you can meet women THIS WEEK

 



Part 4 ^

How Being ‘Your Own Man’Instead of Impressing Women Get’s More Dates

The qualities that’ll get you more women are about developing yourself as a man. It’s sort of like cross training so you can get stronger for an Ironman competition.

meet girls in vancouver

Although your goal is to be more athletic, you’ll still gain muscle as a side effect. That means looking better, feeling better great, and getting more attention from women. 

Looking good and gaining confidence isn’t the objective of this training, but it’s a side effect.

That’s how you should look at most of the personal development that will get you the kind of relationships you want (and keep you out of the kind you don’t want).

There’s another benefit: you won’t rely on any woman to validate you, which will free you to be yourself.

You’ll have your own interest and aspirations that keep you busy, focused, and excited about life. A great woman will compliment a great life, not be your life.

Too many men end up being needy because they have nothing else going on. When they meet someone cool they cling on for dear life. All of their time ends up being about her and not about their aspirations.

This kills relationships because neediness is a huge turn off for women. 

From The Art of Manliness: Being Your Own Man

Quotation-MarksWhen you’re eight years old, you’re pretty much oblivious to the opinions of others. You can wear a superhero cape to the grocery store, pretend to be a pirate at a party, and declare that your aunt’s blouse is ugly, all without a second thought to the judgment of others. Then one day, most likely in middle school, some snot-nosed kid makes a crack about your Spider-Man t-shirt, and while you pretend to blow it off, the t-shirt never again sees the light of day.

Over time, we change to fit other peoples expectations and avoid doing things that might not be approved by others.

From The Art of Manliness

Quotation-MarksAre you having success? If you’re moving up in the world, and doing well for yourself, but people are criticizing what you’re doing, brush off these haters. If you weren’t doing a good job, then you wouldn’t be finding success. These people are usually jealous and just trying to hold you down.

Benefits of Being Your Own Man

  • Confidence and independence to do what you want
  • Attractive to women
  • Will eliminate neediness which is a big energy drain

Action Steps

  • Set Boundaries: To be your own man stop being pushed around, used, or mistreated by others. Identify people in your life that are downers or discourage you from growing, and get rid of them. Another option is to limit contact with downers as you develop your confidence.
  • Get Things Done: Choose something that you’ve had on your “to do list” for a while. Now, get it done. If you can’t do it right now at least put it on your schedule. By clearing mental burdens you’ll get a major monkey off of your back.
  • Goals: Write your goals and dreams, then set a deadline to get them done. No deadline or decisive action plan means your goals are just nice ideas and will not happen. 
  • Focus on yourself, not people pleasing.

Resources

Being Your Own Man (The Art of Manliness)

How to Set Goals for the Life You Actually Want (Fast Company)



Part 5 ^

Direct Approaches to Meet Women

vancouver dating coach

This is a direct, no nonsense way to meet women. If you hate beating around the bush then you’ll love going direct.

Most direct approaches are compliment based, like “I think you’re cute” or “I love your sense of style”. This type of approach allows you to determine if she’s interested or not (quickly). 

I’ve been brash enough to say “You have a great booty” and they loved it. I don’t advise most guys to be this direct though because it requires confidence to work.

Benefits

  • Honesty: You’re telling her your interest upfront
  • It’s ballsy: A big turn on for women
  • Fast: You’ll find out if she’s interested or not within a few seconds

Action Steps

Learn how to do a direct approach here.

 



Part 6 ^

How to Meet Women With Casual conversation starters 

Situational approaches are any approach which is not direct. They can even include compliments, like telling a girl at the cafe that she has nice nails, but not being direct about your intentions. Instead, you make a compliment in passing or a random remark like, “Does it feel like winter yet?” 

The point is to start a conversation with a casual remark. 

dating coach vancouver

Benefits

  • Requires less balls than going direct
  • Is subtle, and you can gauge her interest before asking her out
  • Can be used in many closed public settings (indoors) without creating awkward moments
  • Rejection free, because you can’t be rejected for making a comment

Action Steps

  • Go out and make some observational openers. Cafes are the easiest places to give this a try.
  • Check out “How to Approach women” for the full guide

Resources

Observational Questions to Meet Women (Seduction Science)



Part 7 ^

Mindsets That Make Meeting Women Easier 

All the techniques and advice on where to meet women won’t help if you don’t have the right mindset.

What’s the point of knowing what to say to a woman if you’re too scared to say it? To overcome your fears adopt the right mindset.

Mindset definition

Being able to draw upon this certainty, or inner strength, will allow you to use advanced social skills that get better results.

Gorilla Mindset

Quotation-MarksImagine a computer. The monitor, keyboard, and processor are the hardware. Without any software to run it, your computer would be worthless. Your body is your hardware and your mindset is your operating system. It gives you access to the power of the hardware, and determines what software you can run. It lets you get the most out of your computer, allowing you to balance your checkbook and even create 3-D designs. – Gorilla Mindset

In the next section you’ll learn common mindset fallacies that could be costing you dates, and some steps to change it.



Part 8 ^

Where Can I Meet Women?

This is a common question, and it doesn’t matter if you live in a city like Vancouver, Toronto, or Tokyo, it’s always the same.  

Quotation-MarksAs corny as it sounds, love really is all around: On the train, at work, at the pub, in the library, and even online. But sometimes it’s hard to keep your eyes open to the possibilities that cross your path. If you’re not looking with wide-open eyes and listening with wide-open ears, you could be missing out on a love that’s right under your nose…

Maybe they were serving you a coffee or giving your cat a needle or teaching you first aid and you just let them go because it never even crossed your mind that you could step towards them and see if they would take your hand.” via News.com.au 

You’re probably a busy guy, so it’s easy to be out “not looking” because you’ve got things on your mind.

You come across an attractive server, barista, or receptionist, and it might not occur to you, “This girl might actually go out with me”.

Why wouldn’t she? We’re all human, and attraction can happen anywhere. Limited thinking comes mostly from a lack of confidence, but also from conditioning. 

We’re told you can only meet women:

  • Online
  • Through friends
  • At a social activity
  • Clubs

Women are still women everywhere regardless if they’re working, walking, with friends, at a club or online. 

vancouver dating coach

Their basic human desires stay the same. Women don’t go to work and then turn into a machines.

Single women still want to meet men regardless of the time, day of the week, or scenario. It’s important to pay attention to the scenario though. Don’t charge in like a social bulldozer without a clue, adjust your approach.

Action Steps

  • Today, make the decision that you’ll talk to one woman. This will open your mind to any opportunities that arise. Better yet, make your own opportunities. 

Be open to getting dates from anybody that you meet:

  • Your waitress
  • The barista at your favorite cafe
  • The woman delivering your FedEx package
  • Any woman walking down the street
  • Flight attendants
  • A woman checking into a hotel
  • Girls in a tour group
  • A bartender
  • Office women on a lunch break
  • A girl reading a book at the beach 

Make some attempt at conversation. If you’re silent there’s no chance, but if you say something you never know where it may lead.

vancouver dating coach

Resources

Places to Meet Women Other Than Bar (The Art of Manliness)

20 Places to Meet Women (Complex)



Part 9 ^

Why The Fear of Rejection Stops You From Getting Dates

The ego is probably the biggest roadblocks stopping you from meeting great women.

Anytime you’re worried about rejection, it’s part of a fear that your ego will be damaged because you won’t look good if she says no.

“If this random woman doesn’t like me then that will make me look less valuable or cool.”

Benefits of Dealing with the Ego

  • Reduces the pain of rejection so that you don’t let it get in the way of meeting another women
  • Will allow you to meet much hotter women instead of settling 

how to meet girls in vancouver

Action Steps

  • Don’t try to convince her: Never approach women with the mindset that you have to convince her to like you. The less you have to convince a woman to like you, the more she’ll like you.
  • Focus on making introductions: If you focus on introductions you can’t fail. Why? Because every time you introduce yourself to women THAT’S success. Not the thing you can’t control, like whether she likes you or not. This will also take the pressure off of you to “be cool” 
  • Get rejected a lot: This will seem counter-intuitive, but the more you get rejected the tougher you’ll get. These rejections won’t seem like such a bad thing because you’ll get numb to them. Of course, the point isn’t just to get rejected, but if you realize that each rejection brings you closer to victory it will be exciting instead of negative.

Resources

How to Meet Women Without Really Trying (30 Sleeps)

Darren Hardy: Strive to Fail



Part 10 ^

Do This If You “Don’t Feel Like” Going Out To Meet Someone

What would happen if one day you decided you just “didn’t feel like” going to work? Would you still have a job if you acted on these negative feelings? It’s highly unlikely.

how to meet women in vancouver

You went because you wanted to get a result; money to pay the bills, go on a trip, etc.

Too many guys allow their feelings at the moment to dictate the results they get in the future. Everything you’re doing right now will determine where you end up. 

Benefits of Taking Action When You “Don’t Feel Like It”

  • You get it done instead of having to make excuses
  • You will meet women in spite of any negative feelings that day, or that moment
  • You’ll learn new skills and gain experience in spite of a potentially poor performance
  • You’ll learn emotional control and discipline
  • An action habit will be enforced, and wont be dependent on your mood

Action Steps

  • Scenario 1: you’re at home and don’t really feel like going out to approach women, so do this: Instead of forcing yourself (using willpower), trick yourself into it by telling yourself that you will just go for a quick ten minute walk around the neighborhood. Make this easier ahead of time by preparing the clothing items you need to go for a walk.
  • Tell yourself that ‘if’ you see someone you “feel” like talking to, then you’ll talk to her. Take the pressure off yourself so you don’t build up anxiety. This will give your brain a rest and you’ll have the chance to put yourself out there where you could meet someone.

Alternatively use another form of leverage like going to the store to pick up something you need/want, or even treat yourself for going out by getting your favorite thing.

  • Scenario 2: You’re already out, and really don’t feel like talking to anyone. Warm up your social muscles by saying hi to a few people to get out of your head. Grab a coffee or something at a store and start a brisk conversation with whomever serves you.

Resources

How To Kill Procrastination Without Any Effort: Conquer and Win



Part 11 ^

Habits That’ll Get You Women On Autopilot

By developing these social habits you’ll be able to take advantage of a lot more opportunities. Guys who don’t have these habits will miss opportunities because they’re not conditioned to respond to them.

Most guys react to opportunities in a way that prevents them from getting dates; such as walking down the street and catching a girls eye contact, then looking away shyly.

vancouver dating coach

Instead of a palm-print on your own face you could have a hot girls number in your phone. If you make a habit of catching opportunities you’ll never have to worry about not getting dates.

Benefits

  • Dating life on autopilot. Less thinking about getting dates and more getting dates
  • Sharpen your social skills just by going out
  • Save time going out to meet women because you’ll be meeting them everywhere

Action Steps

  • Create a morning routine that will make you feel awesome so you’re more likely to take action
  • Say ‘good morning’ to each person who passes by at the beginning of the day
  • Start conversations with everyone you have to interact with (line up, cashier, bus driver)
  • Approach the FIRST attractive woman you see when you go out everyday. This will make you feel great right off the bat, possibly get a date
  • Make eye contact with every woman you pass on the street. If she smiles, talk to her right away

Resources

How to Build a New habit Strategy Guide (James Clear)

Morning routine by AlphaM



Part 12 ^

The Top 11 Reasons Guys Fail To Meet Girls

One reason you may be failing to meet women is because you’re not asking the right questions.

Women are everywhere but guys still ask “Where do I meet women?”. Because I’m a dating coach I hear this question all of the time.

dating coach vancouver

A better question would be “How can I talk to a girl walking down the street?”. This question will make you think of a solution. That question lead to where I am now in my life because I set out to learn.

There are some other possible roadblocks as well:

  • Excuses: Anything that begins with “but” is an excuse. Make yourself feel awesome by being able to say “I did it”.
  • Blame: “The women here are unapproachable” and any other statement like that won’t get you laid. In Vancouver that’s a common theme. In Seattle they call it the “Seattle chill”. 
  • Lifestyle: Sloppy, out of shape, and financially depressed men are not good candidates for quality women. Up your lifestyle game and everything else will change too.
  • Fear: It’s easy to be controlled by our fears, and usually our fears manifest as excuses. Start challenging fears instead of avoiding them.
  • Fashion: What you wear says something about how you think about yourself. Raise your standards.
  • Ignorance: I’ve heard so many guys talk about women being this or that, even though they’ve had almost no experience with women. If your perspective on women is based on limited experience, then you’re limiting your results.
  • Bad Advice: The internet is awash in bad advice from fake gurus, not to mention “helpful” friends who want to give advice. I once met a divorced single mother who wanted to be a dating coach for women….yeah.
  • All Walk, No Talk: There are tons of PUA and dating guru groupies out there who will read everything that their favorite coaches write and never act on it. Even bad advice acted upon is better than great advice when there’s no follow through.
  • Where Can I meet Women? This question seems straightforward but it’s also easy to answer; Women are everywhere. There is no shortage in beautiful women in the world, just a shortage of men willing to introduce themselves.
  • Lack of Experience. A lot of us are conditioned not to talk to strangers, so we don’t gain this social experience.
  • Social Skills. Also a result of limited experience; a lack of social skills will lower confidence for any social situation.

Resources



Part 13 ^

Men’s Style To Catch Women’s Attention

Men’s fashion is simple, dead simple.

It’s not about dressing in suits, or buying the most expensive designer clothes; it’s all about the fit.

dating coach

If your clothes fit right you’ll get more female eyes pointing in your direction.

Benefits to Wearing Properly Fitting Clothing

  • Women will notice you 
  • You’ll look and feel more confident
  • You’ll look like a guy who has his “it” together
  • More women will say “yes” when you ask them on dates

Action Steps

  • Get fit: This is crucial, because what’s the point of properly fitting clothing if you have nothing to show for? It doesn’t mean getting jacked or looking like an athlete, but basic fitness levels will give you a lot of options for men’s styles you wouldn’t have otherwise.
  • Form fitting clothes: This is the main key to men’s style. It’s clothing which isn’t baggy and not too tight either. You may want to look at some men’s fashion magazines or even consider a consultant to help you figure this out. Baggy clothing looks sloppy, unattractive, and gives the impression that the guy is a slacker (except for hip-hop types).
  • Nice shoes: The shoes really make the ensemble. You could wear plain jeans and a T-shirt, but if you add a nice pair of shoes you will look like a million bucks. On the other hand, take a guy with the same plain T-shirt and jeans, but give him a dirty old pair of shoes and he could almost look like a homeless man.

Resources



Part 14 ^

Bad Hygiene That Kills First and Second Dates

You may be on a date, everything seems like it’s going well, then suddenly…she seems a little different.

Now she says “I have some things I have to do and really should get going.”

Why did she suddenly go cold on such a good date?

You may not be able to know for sure, but if you don’t have these common hygiene mistakes under wraps you could be losing out on a ton of potential second dates (and lays).

how to meet women in vancouver.

It seems obvious enough but I can’t count how many times I’ve taking guys out coaching and noticed dirty nails.

Bad hygiene is a date killer.

The Top 7 Hygiene Mistakes and How To Fix Them

  • Nails: Always make sure your nails are trimmed short (hands and feet), and there is zero dirt underneath. A buddy of mine who’s a coach had to get his client to buy a nail clipper on a coaching session and get him to trim/clean his nails before talking to women. It may not seem like a big deal, but women notice.
  • Clothes: Make sure you don’t have stains on your clothing, and that you’re always wearing clean underwear. It’s not just for the women you might meet, but if you don’t even have the self respect to stay clean you certainly won’t feel the confidence to meet women.
  • Hair: Greasy, unkempt hair is the trademark of a slob. Wash your hair daily. Also TRIM YOUR NOSE HAIR. You’ll send dates running if there are Anacondas creeping out of your nose.
  • Home: I went to a client’s house once and was shocked at how dirty everything was. Dirt, dirt everywhere. Not mountains, but you could see the speckles of grime everywhere, especially the “out of the way” spots that you would think nobody’s going to notice. Well, they notice. Clean your home thoroughly on a weekly basis.
  • Chapped Lips: I can’t even believe how many guys I’ve seen with skin peeling off of their lips….nasty. I took a friend out to help him meet women and the first thing I noticed was his car-wreck looking lips that NO WOMAN would ever want to kiss. When you’re talking to a girl she’ll notice your lips, especially as her attraction grows and she starts glancing down at them. If your lips are chapped and flaking it’s game over, so buy some lip-balm.
  • Bad Breath:To cure this brush your tongue. The tongue traps food within its creases, which then rots and creates bacteria. The same thing happens between your teeth if you don’t floss. Do both of these things daily after meals, and some mouthwash doesn’t hurt either.
  • Trimming the Boys: Trimming the mess down below shows that you pay attention to your hygiene and is much more attractive.

Resources

Keeping it Fresh: Avoiding Bad Breath, Body Odor, and Cheap Cologne (Art of Manliness)



Part 15 ^

Manly Body Language That Attracts Women

If you have feminine, or submissive body language you’ll feel a lack of confidence. Any women you meet are going to react negatively to this.

dating coach advice

Everything about you is assessed within seconds of meeting someone; it’s almost entirely about the way you communicate with body language.

Good body language = Dates

Bad body language = No dates

It’s simple (sort of).

You’ll not only communicate to others about who you are, you will also communicate to yourself about who you think you are.

Walking around with your shoulders rolled forwards and your hands in your pockets feels bad. Contrast that to walking with your head up, back straight, and hands by your side.

Benefits of Manly Body Language

  • Instantly feel more confident
  • Increase your odds of getting dates you talk to women
  • Look like a boss
  • Breath better
  • Relieve anxiety
  • Decrease depression
  • Look more attractive
  • Makes you look & feel like a man (women love men)

Action Steps

  • Eye Contact: When you walk the streets don’t look at the ground. Look straight ahead like a confident man. When you meet a woman, keep your eyes on her eyes. This is the #1 key to creating attraction on a date, or when you approach a woman. 
  • Stand Straight: Use all of your height instead of shrinking. 
  • Hands out of Your Pockets: Arnold Schwarzenegger put it best “You can’t climb the ladder of success with your hands in your pockets.” No confident man walks around with his hands in his pockets. It looks insecure and will make you feel insecure. I see it often, a student will go talk to a girl and as soon as he gets her attention he’ll shove his hands in his pockets. Girls don’t stick around for long after that.
  • Don’t Fidget: Fidgeting is the same as putting your hands in your pockets. It’s an expression or nervousness that expresses itself in your hands.

Resources

18 Ways to Improve Your Body Language (Positivity Blog)

10 Self Confidence Body Language Tips (Live Bold and Bloom)



Part 16 ^

What Do I Say To Girls? (Verbal Skills)

The most common question I get is “What do I say?” The short answer is almost anything. The long answer is that there are specific things you can say to open conversations, and some tricks so you never “run out of things to say”.

The basic rule of thumb is focus on the girl. Whether on an approach or a date, keep the conversation on her and you’ll be golden. 

vancouver dating coach

The main reason is because you’ll connect with her emotionally

Why? Because by getting her to talk about herself she’ll open up to you. If she opens up it will create trust and that “he gets me” feeling. 

Unless you create an emotional connection she’ll never go out with you, even if she gives you her phone number.

Here’s what to do next:

  1. Subscribe to get the detailed approach and conversation guides
  2. Leave a comment to let me know what challenges you’ve had with meeting a quality woman
  3. Like & share this post

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Icon credits: Icon by Konrad Michalik &  José Manuel de Laá S.Shohei, JP, by Benjamin Harlow, by Egon Låstad

How to Text Women So They Reply (Guide)

She never replied…now you’re wondering how to text women?

It seemed like you really hit it off when you met. She was smiling, flirting, and was super enthusiastic.  “Yeah, let’s have coffee!” she said before leaving. You messaged her expecting she’d get right back to you, but hours passed, then days, and she didn’t even bother to say “Hi” back.

“I’ve messaged countless women with very little luck. The ones that do reply back end up messaging 3-5 times, but when I try to set up a date the text msg gets cold.”

how to text women


Walk up to any woman, get a date. I’ll show you how. Click here to learn more.


Or maybe she did respond, and you had a great text conversation.

You bantered back and forth, told a few jokes, and you knew she was into you. It seemed like everything was good but when you asked her to meet she stopped messaging, or would take hours to get back to you.

In the end it was just “I’m busy” or no reply at all, and frustration. It may seem like a mystery but there’s a way to get more girls to reply.

Keep reading till the end, you wont want to miss all the details.

Why do women go cold on text and what can you do about it?

That feeling of excitement from meeting someone new quickly turns into disappointment when your text chat goes cold. Even worse, when she doesn’t even bother to reply.

You feel like you did everything right but it’s a complete mystery why she won’t respond to you.

You may have even tried to look up “text game” but you’re still not getting any responses.

Also see: How to Approach Women in Public (Ultimate Guide)

This is a common issue that men face after getting numbers from a attractive women.

It seems strange because when you met her it was all smiles and flirts. However, you think about it everything becomes clear. Hot girls get asked out by guys all of the time, and if you don’t stand out there’s another guy who’s going to get her attention.

Not getting replies? Click here for this word-for-word texting template so you can multiply your dates.

How can I get girls to reply to my messages?

Getting her to reply and come out on a date often boils down to getting out of your own way. It doesn’t matter if you’re in Toronto, Vancouver, Calgary, Asia, or anywhere else in the world. Women will respond positively if you let them.

The common text mistakes guys make can change a girl from interested to “busy”. If you’re doing any of the following, it could be killing your chances to get a date:

  • Sending long messages
  • Telling her your life story
  • Using the “3 day rule”
  • Trying to make her like you by text
  • Trying to be cool, witty or funny
  • Not getting to the point of why you got her number in the first place
  • Texting frequently

You don’t need to be funny, tell her your life story, have a text conversation or try to make her like you.

Women fall for guys who make them feel something. how to text womenWhen you introduced yourself she may have felt butterflies, curiosity, been turned on, or she may have had no interest at all. Whatever it was, that’s going to be the one thing that compels her to reply or not.

If you take too long to msg (3 day rule) or set up a date (get to the point) you’ll let her cool off and “life will get in the way”.

Guys who are feeling insecure will often send long text or message frequently. It’s needy, and turns women off because it looks like you have nothing better to do.

*Note: There’s nothing wrong with being funny or witty, it’s just not necessary and can even work against you. It’ll often look like a guy is trying too hard, so just stick to the basics.

Why You Can’t Win A Woman Over By Text

Guys sometimes tell me “I don’t agree with you on this one, I know I’ve changed girls minds by texting them X and X…”

The problem is, 90% of communication which creates attraction is missing when you text. Body language, voice tonality, eye contact, and touch.

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Attraction isn’t created with pixels on her phone. If she didn’t like you when you met, nothing you text will change her mind. Sometimes it’s just a matter of persistence and timing, and that’s where following up comes into play. More on how to follow up near the end.  

The Purpose Of Texting

There’s only one reason to text a girl you’ve just met – To set up the first date.

Don’t get confused by so called pick up artist trying to sell you “The Ultimate Guide To Texting” or any other complicated junk. You have her number so now it’s time to make the magic happen; go see her in person.

3 Simplified Rules To Get Dates By Text

This is the only set of rules you’ll ever need on how to text girls. I’ve done this for years and know how effective it is. Best of all, it’s simple and easy.

  1. MSG her the same day you met her – Attractive women get invited on dates almost daily. If you don’t message her the same day she’ll lose interest in a flash. Life’s busy, don’t become background noise.
  2. Set up a date on your first message – There’s no reason to  go through a series of messages trying to win a woman over. She either likes you or she doesn’t, so strike the iron while it’s hot. Avoid over thinking and ask her to meet.
  3. Keep it simple – Don’t send a long complicated message. Keep you first message short and sweet by getting to the point.

Isn’t Messaging Her Too Soon Needy?

A lot of guys use the three day rule because they’re worried about looking needy. In reality, a guy who sets things up right away looks bold and assertive. He’ll also stand out from all of the other guys who are waiting, trying to look cool even though they’re thinking about her all day.

Guys who wait master… I wont say it, but you get the point. There isn’t a perfect time to message after meeting a woman, but if you wait your odds will decrease.

The window of opportunity after meeting a girl is short.

Take advantage of that short time while you’re fresh in her memory. You’ll only come off as needy if you send her a novel sized text or too many messages, as was mentioned earlier.

“As a general rule, whoever is putting the most effort into the communication is the one doing the chasing. So if you want to have any shot of getting a girl to chase you, then you must not over-text. Instead, look to keep the text ratio close to 1:1 and text the girl about as frequently as she texts you.”   – The Art of Charm

What Should I Say In My Message?

As long as you keep it simple and to the point, the exact wording isn’t too important. Tell her it was good to meet her, and ask which day works to meet up for coffee. It’s really that simple.

One thing to avoid is weak language like “Do you want to”, “Can we” “Could we”, “Would you like to” Those all come off as ‘beta’ or insecure.

In my case, I actually set up first dates at home which is a bit more complicated. I won’t go into that on this post though as it’s much more advanced than setting up a coffee. Keep it simple for better results.

If you want the same highly effective message that I use to get tons of dates, then click here to get your template.

How Do I Follow Up if She Doesn’t Reply?

how to text girlsI always send a follow-up text a couple of days later if I don’t get a reply.

Typically, I will make a bit of a joke in my message or call her out (lightheartedly) as someone who doesn’t reply. There’s no reason why you can’t be direct about it, just keep it fun.

A lot of women who don’t reply to the first message will reply to the second one. It knocks the fence sitters off the fence. The women who are not interested will continue to be silent.

I’ll often just send a “?” and be done with it. Again, it’s just a poke or friendly reminder for fence sitters.

Part of dating is a numbers game, so don’t get too torn up about someone not replying. After all, who’s she anyways? A stranger. Don’t take it too seriously, another date is always just around the corner.

Internet Dating And Text

Online dating is a different animal altogether. I’ll be putting some detailed articles together to talk about that in future post.

Questions?

If you have any questions just leave a comment below.

Click here to get this word-for-word text template so you can get 76% more responses and dates

          Want more? Check out

personal development

 

Elliott Hulse Interview: “Set an intention then forget about it’

 “If you don’t fix this, you will be a bitch for the rest of your life.” – Elliott Hulse

I interviewed Elliott Hulse on the Ultimate Men’s Podcast. Elliott goes deep into his history, starting from broke and eventually rising to become a huge success. Watch the video right here, or read the transcript below. Don’t forget to hit the like button right above.

Eddy: Give us a quick, in a nutshell briefing about what you came from to where you are, right now.

Elliott: [00:41] Mmm, uh, I was introduced to strength training pretty early. My uncle– That’s when I was a kid and when I was about four years old. He had me and my brothers doing push-ups and chin-ups and stuff in the basement of my house, living on Long Island.

[00:57] I grew up on Long Island. I played football through college, through high school and college. After graduation, I decided to study exercise science because I loved it so much and it supported me since the time I was four years old. So, I decided to become a coach. Upon graduating and going to graduate school, my wife–well, at the time, it was my girlfriend–

Become the kind of man you always wanted to be. Click here.

Eddy: Yeah.

Elliott: [1:15] We decided to get married. We had our first daughter and moved down to south Florida where I, ultimately, decided to start my own business from scratch. So, I was training people in the parks, out the back of my van with used strength equipment and garbage that I would find. I made sandbags and tires and we used ropes I found in junkyards and whatnot. We called it “Strength Camp” and, from “Strength Camp”, we moved into a small warehouse where I started making YouTube videos to promote my gym, which, ultimately, exploded, and allowed me to move into a greater and, yet, greater business, which is our new “Strength Camp” location, which is 8,000 square feet. And, uh, I continue to publish online content and to improvise.

Eddy: One of your stories that I liked from the video when you were explaining your jobs thing was that you ran outa gas and you had to push your van into a gas station parking lot and ask them if you could leave it there overnight, ‘cuz you didn’t have any money to put gas in it. That’s–that’s where you were starting at, just to kinda give people an idea. You just weren’t like the popular guy way back then. You had to push your gas–‘er, push your van–like–

Elliott: [2:39] [LAUGHS]

Eddy: [cont.] … manually. That’s some strength training, right there!

Elliott: [2:44] Yeah, I was about ninety-thousand dollars in debt, the wife and I. And we had four children. So, yeah. I gave you the brief overview, but there were lots of bumps and bruises along the way, and challenges. But, at this point, I’m glad I can be an inspiration to others who wanna start their own businesses and, uh, have that independence that we all crave, have that freedom that we all crave. If I can do it–an ADD kid from [LAUGHS] Long Island, who had no business experience, then, I’m pretty sure anybody who has the right determination and courage can do it.

Eddy: Was there any–like, you seem very confident in the persona that you have. It’s probably something you developed over time, as well, with more and more successes. But, was there ever any point when you actually had a very strong doubt? Where you’re kinda like, “Maybe this won’t work! It might not work. Am I actually doing the right thing or going the right direction?”

Elliott: [3:24] Hmm… Well, doubt would be the wrong word to use. Even if what I was doing at this particular time wasn’t going to work, something would work and I wasn’t going to give up. So, as far as doubt is concerned, I had no doubts that something was going to happen, something was going to be great because I was going to keep going until something did.

[4:06] Anxiety? Well, that’s another story. I almost had a–I think I had–I did have an ulcer! I had an ulcer, I had insomnia. So, I think all the anxiety associated with looking at circumstances but being compelled by the potential future and success? That disconnect? I think we can all relate to it. We know where we want to go, we can see it; we can almost taste it–if you embody it and we look around it’s like, “I gotta–“

[4:34] Chris– one of my partners, Chris, and I were talking about it today. It’s like, “I get it. We have to get ourselves into the vibration of that which we have created already.” As Abraham Hicks would say. But, we often then revert back to looking at our bills, we look at our current circumstances. We look at what we don’t have right now, as we speak, and that disconnect? I suff–well, I won’t say suffered, but I can definitely tell ya there was a tremendous amount of anxiety associated with the path and resisting that.

Eddy: Would you say, one of the differences, maybe, between you and some other people who kind of–they fail, they don’t go after their goals is the fact you keep your focus really strong? Like, you just mentioned right now, people focusing on the bills and all these other things that are wrong, that you don’t have right now, would that probably be the crucial difference for making success of the man?

Elliott: [5:34] It might be… I mean, one of the things that we often do–I heard this analogy once by John Assaraf. (I’m quoting all the woo-woo masters out there today.) [LAUGHS] But John Assaraf spoke a lot about neuroscience, actually, and he used this analogy of us planting an acorn. You plant the acorn and you plant the seed, and you cover it, and you water it, and you wait.

[6:04] But, the problem is, most people? They lose courage and then they lose faith, and then, they dig up the seed to see if anything’s happening and cover it back up and hope that it’s going to grow. But, each time we dig it up or each time we doubt, or each time that we mess with the natural process, we further ourselves. It takes longer. We create more resistance.

[6:24] So, I think a matter of practice for me has been set[ting] an intention and, essentially, forget about it. I set an intention–or I get clarity about it, whereas, in the past, I would immediately get started with, “Whaduh I gotta do now?” An activity–what has allowed me to navigate the journey with much more ease–I have learned this over time–has been to set the intention, maintain the intention, but get working on what’s important now, rather than trying to take some big action or do some big thing to get there.

[7:19] You know? We say we’re gonna crush it or anything like that. “Crushing”, sometimes–“crushing is your own nervous system, rather, that actually prevents you from getting anything done–and I’m familiar with that!

Eddy: Okay, so this is a long-term focus, right? I know a lot of people–it seems like it’s easy to fall off track, right, sSince you have this long-term focus but, a lot of people, for their focus, are focusing only on what’s wrong or–“crushing” it. Like it has to be all or nothing. One big leap–or nothing, right?

Elliott: [7:40] Right. Of course! We want it now! Where can I get it? How can I get it now, whereas, wisdom has taught me patience, to say it’s on its way. All these things are on their way. I think–well… Who said, “If the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve”? I can’t remember who I’m quoting. [NOTE: Actual quote: “Whatever the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve.” – Napoleon Hill]

Eddy: Yes, I remember what it says. I think it maybe might’ve been in an article you wrote earlier. In it you’d said something that really resonated with me. I saw it quote a long time ago. You’d said, “Just be a machine.” Along the lines of what you are saying right now, too. You said, “Be a machine.” You just set an intention, you set it aside; you just keep doing the work. And, as a machine–like the machine’s not going to think how I feel today or if I feel like doing this right now, whereas, you already have your intention, you already have your goal, so you’re just going to do the work and you don’t worry about anything else at that point. A machine’s not going to think about all this other shit on the outside.

Elliott: [8:44] Yeah, and a machine’s not going to have emotions, about it, either. And that’s usually what throws us. I can only speak from my opinion and from the experience[s] of those who[m] I have coached, but it’s–[LOSES TRACK]

[8:53] Say it again. I’m sorry, I lost track. (I just got a massage, so what the hell!) [SMILES]

Eddy: [LAUGHS] You’re relaxed, though; that’s good! You don’t want to be stressed all the time.

You were talking about a machine.

Elliott: [5:18] Yeah, yeah. The thing about a machine is that there’s no emotion, so it doesn’t get thrown off by negative feelings, self-doubt, so on and so forth, if things just don’t show up right away. But, what a machine does do, is that it does what it’s set to do every single day whether it feels (‘cuz it doesn’t feel) or not.

[9:31] And I think when we set intentions–we can also begin by setting small, daily habits to bring that intention into reality, rather than having to go get something now or feeling like it all has to be manifest[ed] immediately.

[9:46] It’s what am I going to do? So, for example, good health begins with a simple act of brushing your teeth. Now, you’re not thinking you’re going to have magnificent teeth right away, but you know that you’re going to maintain it. If that’s one example, another example for me would be if I–if you’re going to write a book. In the past, I would just sit down and try to get the whole thing done and just go hard! Make myself nuts, have all kinds of conflicting shit going on, rather than commit[ting] to writing a certain number of words every day. That’s it! Just sit down and make sure you get this amount of words done. Don’t think too much about it, don’t over-analyze it. Just do it!

Eddy: Before we close here, along the same lines as well, what would you say when these emotions inevitably arise? Because–and, this is something that has helped me, myself, for getting work done or just working out in the morning and working numerous other tasks when I’m working on my business–is when those stupid emotions come up and, you know, maybe, old thinking–I kind of deal with it really fast–to deal with the emotions.

I say, “Wait a sec, this is something that’s rising up from old conditioning or whatever the case is.” (I had bad sleep or whatever.) And, then, I have some tools that I can use to (basically) calm that emotion down so I can follow through with the action. What do you do–or what could somebody listening do when their emotions arise or they don’t feel like it or, “Oh, I’m nervous” or whatever the case may be or whatever other kind of baggage pops up?

Elliott: [11:20] I think it’s–one of the habits–one of the rituals that I think we would all benefit from adding into our lives is meditation. Meditation is kind of the practice of letting go. And, with our emotions and feelings–they’re all very physical. Emotions are energy moving. Motion. Motion–it’s associated because it’s a movement of energy within the body. Emotion is sensual feelings, of course. It’s very sensual. What meditation has done for me is bring me back into sensation, with those spontaneous movements in the body. Emotion is spontaneous.

[12:01] So, as I’m meditating and I’m getting closer into contact with how my energy’s moving through my body, this is how I meditate: I focus on my breath, and sometimes I’ll visualize various patterns of energy moving through my body. So, in Chinese medicine, they talk about the downward flow of energy, down the front of the body and, then, the upward flow through the back.

So, just recognizing that flow–the relaxation down the front, the expanding of the rib cage, the dropping of the solar plexus, the expanding of the pelvic floor and belly, and, then, the release up top–if we can be in touch with that, on a daily basis, practicing that, when emotions arise, it’s that much easier to recognize the disturbance in the system and go back–go back to the breath, go back to circulating so the sensation doesn’t get stuck. And they do get stuck! They get stuck, chronically, and turn into our character (which is a totally different story).

[13:04] But a sensation can get stuck and then you begin to over think. You begin to wrestle with it. It doesn’t go away, we keep it there. (You see what I’m saying?) Then your emotion rises and, let’s just say you feel a sinking in your chest and you begin thinking about how you owe the IRS $50,000 (whatever the case may be). Then, it’s a perpetual cycle. Rather than thinking, “Well, something triggered this blockage of energy–this feeling–this sensation in my body and I’m clearly not breathing through it. I’m clearly not letting it process because I’m tangling with it” and allow it to circulate.

[14:01] There’s layers–layers upon layers of–I would say “unresourceful” emotion that we carry in our bodies that, when we allow our muscular system to relax and we just breathe through it, we resolve the pain blockage–Eckhart totally calls them “pain bodies”. The “pain bodies”–that’s a brilliant term! So, we not only let go of the pain bodies, but we also let go of any ideas associated with it, any thought or psychology associated with it. The body is the mind.

We can’t have a feeling and not simultaneously–we can’t rid ourselves–let me put it this way: we can’t get rid of emotion without also letting go of the thought that’s associated with it. Instead of tangling ourselves–this is just one of my ideas– Instead of tangling the thought–because this is where most of us go–we’ve been taught that intelligence is in our heads because we believe intelligence is here, where, if we actually just trust the unconscious intelligence–we trust the unconscious body–we trust the subtle intelligence of the body, we can let go without tangling rationally. We can let go of the pain bodies, we can let go of the resistance physically, first, and then, we transcend.

Eddy: It’s kind of like being an outside observer, basically. And, on that thought, we’ve come to a close here. [POSTLUDE] We don’t wanna go overtime too much. Thanks for coming on the show: that was very insightful.

Elliott: [15:43] Hey, yeah, you got it, Eddy. That was awesome.

Guys, subscribe below for more weekly interviews and updates on personal development, dating and other topics that will help you “kick ass” as a man.

Everyday Racism in Sweden? (Or, How not to Pick Up Swedish Girls…)

Everyday racism in Sweden? I think not. This is more how not to pick up Swedish girls than a story of racism. My take on this video, as well as my own story on my experience with racism. 

Watch the video, or read the transcript below. 

What are your thoughts on this topic? Leave a comment for me with your own personal experiences on racism (or picking up Swedish girls).  

(Also see: Egalitarianism Vs. Feminism: How We Can Cultivate a Safer Society)

Isabella: [00:08] Okay, guys. This is my first video on here and I’m not a really good speaker so this is probably going to come out all wrong, but I’m going to give it a try, [s/b anyway; no “s”] anyways because I think this topic is really important.

Eddy: [00:20] Well, I agree there; I think this is an important topic, but not for the same reasons that she thinks this is an important topic.

Isabella: [00:26] And I’d like to address it in some way or another. So, either way, I’d like to tell you first about a story of something that happened to me a couple of months ago.

Eddy: [00:35] [interjects]… I love stories!

Isabella: [00:37] I was at an Asian restaurant [how dare she single out that poor restaurant for being Asian! such discrimination (not)! such a racist remark (not)! I am aghast!] with some of my friends from university and we went to get some [always wondered what folks went to those places for…] food. And I was stopped by a man as I was getting some [not Asian at all, is she?] rice) who asked, “Are you Japanese?” And I said, “No, I’m not Japanese; I’m Swedish.” And he exclaimed, “No! No! I mean, really! Where are you from? You can’t be… from here.” And he had a hard time believing me when I said that I was Swedish. So, that was really something that got me thinking. [looks away, then turns back to camera, face askew as if trying to cry]

Eddy: [1:11] [interjects]… I wouldn’t think about it too much. That was probably just his pick-up line; he was trying to talk with you. [shrugs]

Isabella: [1:15] [tears off, scratching chin] Something that annoyed me even more was that, [smirks] in the afternoon–the same afternoon, I was stopped, waiting for the tram, by this guy.

Eddy: [1:28] Yeah, this is an attractive woman’s problem: they’re going to be approached by different guys because they’re attractive. [grimaces]

Isabella: [1:34] I thought he just wanted directions or something like that, but he asked me the same questions. He wanted to know where I was from!

[LOL! OMIGOSH. Seriously???]

Eddy: [1:40] Okay, that would be annoying after a while, fer shure! It is a bad pick-up line, basically; they don’t have anything else to say, so they’re trying to say they know you’re from someplace else. (That’s they’re opening line.)

[1:54] Because you’re not of Swedish Caucasian heritage, that’s why they pick up on it–because it’s different.

Isabella: [2:03] I think this is interesting, really, because I get this a lot. Almost every time I go outside my door! People ask me where I’m from or where I was born. [earth shattering stuff here] I’d really like to know why this is such an important question to people because, to me, it doesn’t really matter.

Eddy: [2:17] This is why it’s such an important question to people: it’s because you look different from the vast majority of other Swedish people and though you’re a Swedish national, you have a different heritage than most of the rest of the people in Sweden.

[2:33] It’s just a conversation starter. That all it is. It might be a bad one… or a good one, depending on your perspective. (Obviously, it’s annoyed you, but it’s what the guys are using over there to get the conversation started.)

[2:45] I, personally, wouldn’t advise using this as a conversation starter, unless you know for certain that that person is not from… the country you’re in. Sometimes it’s easy to pick out but, until you’re positive, don’t ask.

Isabella: [2:58] [voice breaks] Other than being born in another country, I don’t see how [s/b I not me] me and another Swede…

Eddy: [3:08] [interjects] … Have you looked in a mirror recently?

Isabella: [3:09] We have the same culture, we share the same traditions and holidays and we celebrate the same things!

[OMIGOSH. Is she serious? LOTS of nationals do NOT celebrate the same holidays / traditions. This gal would never see adulthood here in the U.S. Needed a good laugh today; thanks, Eddy! I had no idea stuff like this made it to the airwaves. LOL!!]

Eddy: [3:16] [interjects]… Yes! It’s because you were [note: she states at 2:58 that she was born elsewhere, not IN Sweden] born and raised in Sweden so you are a Swedish national. You’re just as Swedish as any other Swedish person, but your appearance is different from any other Swedish person.

Isabella: [3:31] Or it appears so. I think this is something that we really need to abolish from our society.

Eddy: [3:34] [interjects]… Okay. Beyond just being annoyed, this is where you get completely ridiculous! [AMEN. Jeepers! Sooo immature; lacking in her vocabulary, a spotlight seeker, perhaps? (sheesh!)] “Abolished from our society”? What are you going to abolish from society? The fact that people are picking out differences?

[3:49] How can people not see the fact that you look different? You’re a Swedish national, but you have a different heritage! That is obvious! We all know that you have an Asian heritage. It’s clear as day. There’s no getting around it. You can put up with it, you can take it personally and think, “Oh, my God! Everyone’s discriminating against me…”, “Everyone’s going to see that I’m not a Caucasian Swedish person!” (which is also obvious.)

[4:20] It’s like walking around naked and not wanting people to see that you are naked! It’s as though you’re asking why everyone’s staring at you because you’re naked.

[4:27] What are you going to abolish, exactly? Are you going to abolish people’s ability to distinguish one person from another? Are we all going to be drones or automatons where we all look the same and act the same? Dress the same? Is it going to be like a kind of Maoist society where we all wear the Mao uniform? I dunno…

Isabella: [4:50] So, day to day, everyday racism [!] is really growing out of hand!

Eddy: [4:55] You know? The only way people are not going to see you as being different is if you go to an Asian country, except for possible differences in fashion or behavior or your Swedish mannerisms.

Isabella: [5:09] [nonsensical statement] People from all different cultures and ethnicities and countries [s/b who not that] that have come to Sweden and see themselves as Swedish people because they were born here, live here, were raised their whole lives here! But, still, they’re not included in society because they look different.

Eddy: [5:24] I think you’re confusing two different things here: “not being included in society” and “being distinguished from the rest of the general population because you are different” and because those other people are also different.

[5:41] There’s no exclusion there! There’s not insidious racism or any kind of racism where people are going to want to prevent you from getting a job or doing something because you look different.

[5:52] They are simply noting the fact that you look different because you don’t have the same background.

Isabella: [5:58] People ask me where I’m from and I… I have a hard time, as I said, understanding why this is of such great importance to them! What I’d like to say in this video is please, don’t judge other people from their looks. I mean, it really does not matter!

Eddy: [6:15] Looks actually do matter. It depends what we’re talking about–the context of the conversation of looks. But, looks do matter! And people will never stop judging people based on the way they look.

[6:25] If you see a hobo or somebody dressed in rags (who appears to be a hobo dressed in rags), automatically, you will have a perception about that person. Usually, people dressed in rags and shitty clothing or dress like hobos are hobos. Usually. And we know they’re hobos and there are reasons behind that. There are going to be a lot of stereotypes but a lot of it may not be true and some of them may be true. (A lot of stereotypes are based on real things and a lot of stereotypes are just exaggerations of real things.)

[6:57] We’re never going to get rid of judgment of people based on their looks! Everyone is going to judge another based on his looks, automatically. It can be a survival mechanism! Yes, maybe it’s not true, but it’s something deep in our psyche.

Isabella: [7:15] And if somebody could answer me why everybody thinks it’s so important to know where other people were born or things like that… or if it’s just like a cultural thing–they wanna know what culture [unclear who the “they” being referred to 2nd time is] they belong to and what cultural differences there are between them, please leave me a comment so I can try to understand this a little bit more.

Eddy: [7:35] For me, it’s a cultural thing, too. Like I mentioned before, it’s just a conversation starter. A lot of these guys who walk up to you and talk with you just want to talk with you because you’re attractive! That’s what it boils down to. They’re interested in getting to know you; maybe sleeping with you, in dating you… whatever. That’s their attempt to communicate with you!

It’s their attempt to connect with you because they don’t know what else to say and, if you look different, that’s the easiest way to open up a conversation [with you]. They don’t realize that you’re annoyed by this!

Probably a lot of other people–Swedish people who have this Asian background–if asked this all the time, potentially would also be offended.

[8:19] I have a very different perspective on this: I am of a mixed race. I am half Mexican and, actually, have dual citizenship of Mexico and Canada, where I was born and raised. My dad is Caucasian and, because of that, most people think I look part-Asian. Some people guess I’m part native. Very rarely does anybody guess I actually have some Hispanic background.

[8:45] For me, race is just not important. I don’t consider myself to be Latino or Caucasian. I guess it depends which circle I’m in… if I’m with a whole bunch of white people, my differences stand out more if I’m with a bunch of Mexicans. I feel homeless then, as well. It just really depends and it just doesn’t matter to me!

[9:08] The fact that people are always trying to guess what I am doesn’t bother me! I think it’s interesting; it’s a good conversation topic. Right? Somebody new [that] you meet is going to be curious about your background and your country. (It’s a bit more obvious here, in Canada, as it’s a bit more of a melting pot–or, at least, that’s how it is in Vancouver.) I’m not sure how it is in Sweden, though I did hear a statistic that over 90% Swedes are Caucasian. (Correct me if I’m wrong. Just leave a comment below the video.) In any case, the vast majority of Swedes are of Caucasian heritage.

[9:42] So, it’s just an easy conversation starter for those people who want to talk with you because of the fact you have some Asian background. For me, it’s the same thing when I’m talking with somebody new. They’re always curious, you know? They’re always asking me, “What are you?” or “What’s your background?” And I always tell them to guess; it’s a fun little game. I don’t get offended at all; I don’t feel I’m being discriminated against! I don’t think it needs to be abolished from society: it’s just a conversation topic. So what if you’re different? Own it! Own the fact that you’re different!

[10:08] I owned the fact that I was different a long time ago. And I have been discriminated against and I have heard direct racial slurs made against me. Racial epithets.

[10:20] Like when I was 14 years old, this guy body slammed me into the boards. (I was playing hockey.) He called me a “chink”. I had no answer for that; I didn’t know what to say because, for starters, I’m not Asian; and, secondly, it’s very racist. So I had no answer for this. I thought, what??? This was the first time I had heard someone call me something racist–and, even though, it wasn’t even the right race! I let it go but it kind of blew my mind!

[10:51] Throughout my life, I’ve heard different things. I’ve heard people say racist stuff when they’re around me — like, when they’re on the street — because they didn’t know my background was Hispanic. (Or that part of my background is Hispanic.) I heard people talking about “dirty Mexicans”. They’re idiots! Let them wallow in their ignorance. Who cares? Who cares what somebody else’s opinion is about your race? [walk a mile in THEIR moccasins; right or not, perhaps they’re trying to deal with a horrible prior experience dealt them by those of another race]

[11:15] For the most part, what you’re talking about in your video is really benevolent stuff; it’s apparent people are interested in getting to know you! Or, a lot of guys are… and that’s their big, opening line.

[11:28] I wouldn’t recommend that, personally. In most cases, I wouldn’t recommend opening with, “Where are you from?”, if that’s your opening line. (If people were asking me where I was from all the time, I might get annoyed, too.)

[11:36] I remember I was in this tourist town in Mexico one time. These Mexicans kept calling me American, and I was really annoyed by this–because I’m not American. But, I didn’t accept it [did you mean to say “they didn’t accept you”?] because I wasn’t the same as the other Mexicans there and I don’t speak Spanish perfectly. So my differences were singled out and that’s okay. Whatever! People are going to spot differences automatically; that’s how we identify each other. That’s how we identify who’s friendly–who’s not friendly, right? A lot of time it is wrong, but that’s just the way it goes: we’re not going to be right one hundred per cent of the time.

[12:23] So I would just say, own it! Own the fact that you’re different. It’s cool that we have differences. It’s better than everyone being exactly the same. It’s better than being like every one of the other 99% of the Swedes (in your case) and, in my case, it’s a conversation topic when I meet somebody new–like when I’m talking to a new girl or something like that. They always want to know my background.

[12:45] A lot of stuff we can be sad about. Somebody’s background, I think, when you’re talking about them, it’s interesting. I like knowing a person’s roots. I’m kind of interested in knowing my own roots.

[13:05] I don’t really care about race, as I’ve said. I don’t really care about what race people classify me with and I’m not really big into taking pride about things that I have no control over. I don’t care!

[13:18] I like the fact that I have a Mexican background and, I like the fact that I have an Eastern European background on my dad’s side, though I was born and raised here (in Canada). It’s more of a point of interest than a point of pride for me; it’s not something I had any control over nor did I work for it, so, to me, taking pride in it doesn’t make any sense (usually). It’s just interesting and that’s it.

[13:45] What else can you say about it?

[13:46] Questions? Comments? Put them in the… [brief moment of being tongue-tied] Questions and Comments section! [smiles] Or, in the Comments, all right?

[13:54] That’s all for today, folks. Peace out.

/ end /

[14:05]

Why Vancouver Women Are Cold And What Van City Men Can Do About It

The verdict is in; Vancouver women are unapproachable, cold hearted kitten kickers…

At least that’s the impression I get every time I see another shitty article about dating in Vancouver or hear from a guy who has NEVER attempted to approach a woman.

Subscribe here if you can say, “I love women!”

It’s far, far easier just to say that women in Vancouver are unapproachable, mean, or cold than it is to learn the kind of take charge dating skills that this city demands.

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Don’t believe the hype: the media here is feeding into this negative attitude about dating in Vancouver, and buying into it is a surefire way to make sure you stay single and frustrated.

The single best way to overcome the so called dating scene chill is to take 100% responsibility for your own personal life. Absolutely everything.

That relationship that didn’t work out because “she was a bitch”, own it because you chose her.

That girl who walked away coldly when you tried to start a conversation; your opening may not have been good, or your body language could of been off. Take charge and have a laugh about it.

You’ve been single for the last two years; what have you done to become a better man that women would consider a real catch? Figure it out and invest into making yourself more valuable.

Whatever it is, whatever shortcoming there may be, the common denominator is always going to be you. Men who realize this can avoid being pawns to negative, conditioned emotions.

Owning your results in dating 100% means you can have control to change your circumstances.

The idea that dating in Vancouver is “tough” perpetuates helplessness and dependence on matchmakers, bars, clubs, and online dating.

We can’t guess what someones personality is like when we see them walking down the street. Most people walk around with either a poker face, or a “resting bitch face” which doesn’t demonstrate who they are.

If you avoid meeting the great women that live in this city because you think they’re cold, then you’re conning yourself out of some great experiences, and relationships. Don’t be an amateur psychic by trying to guess a woman’s personality before even talking to her.

If Vancouver women aren’t cold then that opens up the possibilities for you to meet any woman you see because you can approach fearlessly. It’s a matter of learning how to do that, and building your confidence so you can take action on your desires.

So all in all, if you want Vancouver women to warm up to you, it’s  time to learn how to introduce yourself in a way which warms them up, instantly.

If you want to learn the art of the approach and start meeting women on your own terms, click here.

Why You Should Get A Dating Coach Instead Of A Matchmaker In Vancouver

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This is why you should get a dating coach instead of a matchmaker in Vancouver. 

Also see:  Why Being The Asshole, the Nice Guy, and Being Yourself Never Seem to Work, and click here for coaching options. 


 


Guys usually want a matchmaker for one of the following reasons:

  1. You can avoid wasting time while your matchmaker looks for the girlfriend of your dreams
  2. You don’t have to go to bars or clubs
  3. No online dating
  4. You’re busy working long days and don’t have time for dating
  5. You’re nervous about introducing yourself to a woman in public (street, grocery store, cafe)

But what you actually get is this:

  1. Matchmakers profile based on a cookie cutter format they got from a marketer, which they call “personalized”
  2. A limited number of dates
  3. You’re dependent on the matchmaker to get you more dates if your matches don’t work out
  4. You have to go on dates and spend time seeing different women that someone else selected for you
  5. No pride knowing that someone else had to introduce you to a woman

In the end, you are no better off than you started because you won’t have any new social or dating skills, and will be dependent on the matchmaker to find you someone else once your first match fizzles.


 


Why You Should Invest In Yourself Instead of Investing in a Matchmaker’s Bank Account

As a man working in a professional field, you know how valuable investing time and money into upgrading your skills can be. If you want more money at a better job the logical thing to do is upgrade your own skills and qualifications.

Simple equation, right? Then why isn’t this philosophy being applied to your dating life too?

With a matchmaker, you won’t increase your interpersonal skills, confidence, and will receive no improvement in any other area of your life.

On top of that, when your friends ask how you met your girlfriend, you could say “A matchmaker picked her out…” or “I was so attracted to her, I knew she was the one I was looking for, so I approached her and asked her on a date.” 

You’re a proud man, and her friends will swoon as she tells the story of how you had the balls (that most men lack) to approach her and ask her out.

This is every women’s fantasy, make it her reality. 

This is why coaching makes sense. The time and money you INVEST into your love life will pay off for the rest of your life in terms of the quality of the relationships you get into, your ability to be independent and find your own dates, and your own confidence, pride, and social skills which can apply to your career or business too.

When we make a purchase we can do one of two things:

  1. Pay for something which depreciates in value (Car, stereo, vacation, massage)
  2. Invest into something which holds value or increases in value over time (Property, stocks, skill development, education)

When we buy expendable products or services the value is lost almost as quickly as we consume it. Years later it will only be a memory, and will no longer serve us like it did at the time of purchase.

It get’s all used up, and we have to buy it again in order to get any benefit.

UMB blog inspire

When we invest in something like education, however, the value never goes away. Whatever skills you develop through training and hard work will last a lifetime.

If you take Spanish lessons, other than some upkeep, you will be able to use this skill for a lifetime.

If you want more money in your career then taking a course which upgrades your skill level will pay off for years to come.

My father followed this process in his own career and continually upgraded through courses being offered at his work. He ended up being one of only five engineers in Canada qualified to work on a very specific aspect of naval submarine sonar.

The increase in pay and benefits came along with his increase in skills, too.

So how does this apply to dating and relationships?

You can do one of three things when looking for the love of your life:

  1. Contact a matchmaker (expendable service).
  2. Sit around and hope for a woman to fall out of the sky.
  3. Invest in yourself by learning what women are attracted to, and how to approach them on your own to get dates and relationships, with the guidance of a coach.

Like a lot of other expendable services, matchmakers provide a quick fix, but they leave you dependent on their services every single time you want to meet someone new.

When you avoid making the effort yourself, there is no payoff in new dating skills, confidence, communication skills, or the freedom of choice.

On the other hand, if you invest into training which not only helps you meet a TON of new, high-quality women but also leaves you with new abilities and confidence, you will never have to rely on someone else to get you a date again.

Or as Darren DJfuji put it:

Quotation-Marks“One of the habits I picked up early on was the idea of investing in human capital, specifically, my own. That is, I realized the return on investment (ROI) to invest in personal skills and personal development was massive because, usually, these skills could be used for several years afterward; unlike things such as furniture, cars and electronics.”


 


Why Introductions Are a Turn Off for Women

In order to have a long-lasting relationship, it’s important to understand what women are attracted to.

Many relationships fade because the men become passive, submissive, and lose their “take charge” dimension as a man; the same take charge dimension that their partners were attracted to in the first place.

UMB blog girl

A lot of the time this happens because we become comfortable and start allowing our girlfriends and wives to take over the main responsibilities in the relationship.

Confident, assertive women will take advantage of this, and at first it may even seem liberating, but in the end, they become resentful that their men have taken the feminine role and lost their masculine edge.

What all of this has to do with matchmaking is that anyone who takes on a matchmaker is effectively giving away the assertive, confident, in charge nature that women find attractive, right from the beginning.

If you believe in starting off on the right foot then this is the wrong step to take. 

It’s also a band aid type of solution to a larger challenge: the ability to meet and attract a high-quality woman, as a man.

This can mean only one thing; that there is a “gap” in the skills, confidence, or know how to meet the right kind of woman independently, without the necessity of someone to make an introduction.

That gap in confidence and assertiveness is where attraction lays for women. 

Ethan Fixell, on AskMen, listed confidence as the #1 quality that women look for, and with good reason.

Quotation-Markswhen a man is lacking confidence, traits such as intelligence, good looks, or talent are more or less nullified. It’s like a well-endowed man who has no idea how to use his unusually large “gift.” If you remember only one thing from reading this piece, let it be this: confidence is of paramount importance.


 


What a Dating Coach Can Do For You

With a dating coach, you will learn how you can get a date anytime, anywhere, and literally in as little time as it takes to go on a coffee break. From your office to the coffee shop and back, and you can meet women without wasting time out of your busy schedule.

Matchmaker blowout 2

The difference between a dating coach and a matchmaker is that you will learn how to be your own matchmaker, and meet and attract high quality women anywhere.

This will take the power out of a matchmakers hands and put it back into your own hands so that you can control your own destiny.

There’s a right way and a wrong way to introduce yourself to women in public, and with dating skills training you can learn how to express your charming personality with a woman you just met, confidently.

Most guys are worried about coming off as “creepy” but with a proven blueprint for meeting women, social skills, and learning how to read a woman’s body language, you will never be “that guy”.

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Some benefits of a dating coach:

  1. Accountability – You will always follow through and stay on track with the support you will receive. Having someone in your corner means the kind of leverage you can’t get on your own.
  2. Guidance – Guidance at every step of the process ensures that you’re never stuck again wondering “What do I say?” when you see an attractive woman you want to meet.
  3. A Plan –  A professionally crafted plan is important to know where you’re going, and to help get you there quicker.
  4. Technical Know How – Every question for every dating scenario will be handled so that you can have amazing dates with amazing women.
  5. In Person Coaching – You will receive direct feedback from your coach so you can make improvements immediately. Not only that, but your coach will act as your “wingman”, and you will see direct demonstrations so that you not only get personal instructions, but you can see your coach do everything you’re learning in action.
  6. Meet Women Now – The best thing about coaching is that you will meet real women and have fun while learning confidence and social skills which will last a lifetime. Instead of waiting for an introduction you will talk to real women right from the get-go.

 


Top 11 Reasons You Should Approach Women

If you’ve ever had the desire to start a conversation with a beautiful woman walking down the street, but didn’t know what to say or do, you’re not alone.

I’ve experienced this myself, countless times, and it is extremely frustrating.

The plus side to not having the know how to approach is that you can make an upgrade in your social skills which will affect far more than just your love life. 

Here is a list of the top reasons you should learn to introduce yourself to women. 

  1. Independence – Instead of waiting for a phone call from a stranger to hook you up, you can go out and make it happen.
  2. Choice – You can decide what you like at any moment instead of being committed to what you wrote on a list.
  3. Respect – Self respect, and the respect of the women you date for doing it yourself.
  4. Attraction – Women love a man who takes matters into his own hands and knows how to make an introduction.
  5. Personal Development – The act of stepping outside of your comfort zone and talking to complete strangers will build some real confidence and social skills.
  6. Unlimited Options – You can meet as many women as you want without having to pay more money to do so.
  7. Pride – Just like building something on your own, you can take pride knowing that your results come from your own efforts.
  8. Admiration From Friends – You can show off your new skills and make your friends envious.
  9. Control – You decide who, where and when.
  10. Adventure – Every time you talk to a new woman ANYTHING can happen, and the experiences you gain will last a lifetime.
  11. A Girlfriend or Wife – You’re doing this because you want a committed long term relationship, and that’s exactly what you will find by creating dating opportunities other guys could only dream of.

Learn the skills and the confidence to make it happen, as well as much more by learning self dependence in your love life with the guidance of a highly experienced coach.

You could just start approaching women on the streets, but it can be an intimidating task, and there’s a right way to do it so it doesn’t backfire on you… So if you’re interested in learning how to approach women in a confident manner, contact me for a consultation.  

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How To Get A Girls Phone Number

You’re sitting there having a great conversation, so you decide to ask for her phone number before leaving; then her facial expression changes and she looks down briefly, and hesitates before saying “Um, maybe I’ll see you around?”

You’re perplexed; what just happened? Everything seemed fine till you asked for her phone number, so what could be the problem?

The odds are good that you committed a cardinal sin with your voice and changed the tone of the conversation, literally.

You were doing fine during the conversation but as soon as you decided to get her number you became nervous and your voice crumbled into weak obscurity. Puberty came back with a vengeance and any evidence of a man in charge dissipated into the ether.

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The reason this matters is because a sudden change in the emotional temperature, your nervousness to ask for her number, will set off alarm bells for your potential date, and reveal your deep down insecurity.

“Why is he different all of a sudden? Is there something wrong? Maybe I should get going….”

During your conversation everything was peachy because there was no pressure on you, it was just a conversation. When you decided to get her number, now there was something at stake and the chance to be rejected, so your calm demeanor changed.

To make the entire conversation a success (in terms of getting her number) don’t start speaking with an upwards inflection in your voice when you ask for her digits. Better yet, don’t ask for her number at all.

When you stay as calm and relaxed at crucial moments as you were when you weren’t under pressure, these crucial moments will come off as inconspicuous.

The Right Way To Ask For A Girls Phone Number: Don’t Ask

Instead of a focus on her number, focus instead on what you will be doing with her when you meet again. This could be a coffee, a drink, whatever. I always just say this, “I’ve got to get going, but let’s have a coffee sometime.”

If her answer is positive then I’ll go for the number, otherwise I’m quite happy to walk away without it. A phone number is no prize if the girl you’re talking to isn’t interested in you. That’s why I make a statement referring to a coffee or drink instead of just outright asking for the number because I want to gauge her interest level.

This is exactly the same when you want to invite a woman home. Whatever the tone was during the conversation is exactly the tone you should maintain when you pop the question, which shouldn’t be a question.

The main rule for any statement which replaces a question is this: Always assume the answer is yes. This puts a confident spin on anything you want to do and women always love a confident man.

Some examples are:

  • Let’s have a coffee sometimes Vs. Do you want to have a coffee sometime?
  • Give me your number Vs. Can I have your number?
  • We’re going to my place Vs. Would you like to come to my place?

And so on.

Asking for a girls number isn’t a big deal, but if you make it into an important event you could be sabotaging yourself. So you get her number, then what? Click here to learn proper texting.

Professional one on one advice for men who want to get more dates and quality relationships.  Click here.