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Toronto is a great city with a lot of beautiful women, fine restaurants and interesting things to see. The last time I was coaching in Toronto it was a blast, so I’m now opening dating coaching registrations for Toronto men.
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Have you ever had a conversation with a woman that died faster than it started? Then you know how the awkward silence feels. Followed by, “It was nice meeting you….” as you watch her walk away.
How can you keep a conversation going with a complete stranger, and create that “connected” feeling? Here are some dating conversation tips to never run out of things to say.
Never run out of things to say again.
How To Never Run Out Of Things To Say With A woman You Just Met
Since I’m a dating coach, the first thing my students usually ask is, “How do you keep a conversation going? It always seems to go dead after opening.”
This is actually simple to do.
To start, you have to have the right mindset. I’m not talking about emotions here, it’s about the way you think about meeting women.
Most guys go into a conversation with an attractive woman trying to impress her. It’s always about what they do, what they have, who they know, and how interesting they are. “Look at how cool I am, I do stuff.”
This is an insecure way to present yourself to a woman. It demonstrates a lack of confidence and projects insecurity. This is the try-hard approach to attracting women, and try-hard’s are never cool.
A cool guy is cool without having to demonstrate anything.
He has presence, energy, and doesn’t try to impress others. It’s the fact that he doesn’t try to impress others that creates a strong impression. He’s not needy. He doesn’t have to act to get attention.
In a conversation, he talks about things because he want’s to. He also never gives away too much information about himself, at first. There’s a bit of a mystery about him which leaves an information gap, and that creates curiosity.
Why You Run Out of Things to Talk About
Guys run out of things to talk about because they’re trying to think of things women want to hear. This means scrutinizing all of your thoughts trying to find something special. Something that will impress her. That’s a sure fire way to create a mental block, and stump the conversation. It’s also a horrible way to have a have a meaningful conversation.
When you’re talking to your friends do you ever worry about running out of things to say?
Neither do I.
The reason is because we don’t care about saying “The wrong thing” to friends. We talk naturally and carefree.
It’s easy to get stumped and run out of things to say if you care too much about someone liking you. If you talk, and clear your mind of the need to impress others, it becomes so much easier.
Of course, that’s nice to say but most guys also want a technique or structure to follow. Don’t worry, it’s coming below.
To have a conversation that flows without awkward breaks, focus on her favorite topic, herself.
Everybody loves to talk about themselves. If you focus on her, she’ll think you’re the most interesting man in the world.
It also makes it easy find a topic to talk about because the topic will always be her. This makes sense in more ways than one. You’re talking to someone new and should learn about her.
A lot of “dating coaches” advise not to say boring things like “What do you do?” but this is garbage dating advice. It’s not what you’re saying that’s most important, it’s how you say it.
I’ll explain more:
The Truth About What You Say In A Conversation
Imagine someone walking up to you at a party.
His shoulders are rolled forward, head is down and he’s looking at the ground. Not only that, but his hands are in his pockets. He also walked up to you turned at an angle instead of standing squarely facing you.
He doesn’t make eye contact, and when he speaks it’s very quiet and without enthusiasm or energy. Sounds depressing right?
And I haven’t even gotten into the conversational topics yet, but the image of a depressed person with no confidence is clear.
You would assume that this person would be talking about how his mother just died, or maybe that he’s going through a breakup, but no.
This person starts talking about the raise he just got, and he’s going on a one month vacation to Mexico. “I’m really excited, I just got a huge raise and I’m going to enjoy the hot sun on a beach in Mexico.
Life is really going well.”
Keep in mind they he is saying this while looking at the ground, shoulders rolled forwards and his hands in his pockets. That persons voice has no life in it either.
Would you believe his words over his body language? It’s an image that’s not congruent. Most people would be highly suspect about how authentic he’s being.
This is the same when you are asking seemingly boring, mundane questions.
The topic of the question may not exciting, but you can change the way it feels by the way you say it. Deliver that question with strong eye contact, standing straight, taking space and with a slow, confident tone of voice, and you won’t sound boring.
In a conversation, think delivery, not topic matter.
The Snowball Technique
Here is a technique which will ensure that you don’t run out of things to say. It’s a simple way to keep a conversation going and keep her interest in chatting.
Using this technique you can learn a ton about the girl you’re talking with. All of the things she tells you will come in handy while you chat.
1) Ask a ‘what’ question+ a cold read – After opening, ask a simple question about her but bundle it up with an observation “You look like you work in a dental office or hospital. What do you do?” The observation or cold read makes the question conversational instead of interview style.
2) Pay attention – You need to listen to what she’s saying and not think about your next move. This will also help overcome shyness because you won’t be thinking about yourself. Self consciousness is a sure way to stifle the chat.
3) Repeat her words back to her – Now she’s shared something about herself, so repeat the most important point back to her in your own words. This will have the dual effect of demonstrating that you were listening, and also clarify any miscommunication. You’ll understand her better and she’ll appreciate your attentiveness.
4) Add your opinion – Again, to make it conversational and not like an interview, tag your opinion onto the question.
5) Dig deeper – To really create a connection it’s going to require going below the surface and getting away from the superficial opening details. Find out why she’s into that work or interest. Why did she get into it? This will tell a lot about her personality. It will also require her to open up and share something about herself. When people open up to others it creates a feeling of trust and connection. This is important if you want to see her again.
6) Recall – Since you were paying attention, you’re going to remember the different things she said earlier. Recall one of the other topics she mentioned and re-add it to the conversation. This works especially well if it’s connected to what she was just saying, or if the conversation started to run dry. Just say, “So, you mentioned that you also like X. How does that connect to your work?”
This conversational approach will create a snowball effect because you’re learning different facts about her. Each fact or detail could potentially become a conversation on it’s own.
The whole time you’ll be learning about her too. This will give you a chance to create a meaningful connection.
Things to say to keep a conversation going
You should have tons to talk about by focusing on her. However, you may still run into some dry patches. Here are some things you can say to fill in the gaps and keep the conversation going.
Tell me more about X
What do you do for fun?
What else do you enjoy about your work?
I’m literally our of things to say. Tell me something interesting about you.
If you’ve already been chatting for a bit you might want to end the conversation on a high note. No reason to drag it on too long.
Tell her, “I’ve got to get going, but we should have a coffee sometime.”
That’s a good way to end the conversation and get her number.
Is it normal for couples to run out of things to talk about?
It’s normal to have times of silence with our significant others. We tend to spend a lot of time with our girlfriends or wives, so it’s not possible to be talking non stop. Sometimes we want to think to ourselves, too. Having this spaces will allow each person to recharge.
If these silences are long and awkward, or conversation feels forced, there might be other problems. It could be your own insecurity, or there may be a real lack of connection.
Take a step back and stop forcing yourself to make a conversation happen. Often this will be enough because your stress levels will drop, and you’re mind will get creative again.
Awkward silences don’t necessarily mean death to a conversation. What matters is how you react to it. If there is a silence just smile a bit, pause to give yourself space to think, then ask another question. A lot of the time she’ll end up filling in the silence.
Just don’t rush to fill the gap. Always stay calm, cool, and collected. Confident guys aren’t worried about a little silence.
Always think delivery and not content – You will be interesting because of the way you say something and not because of what you say.
Don’t try to impress her – Never try to impress someone you’re talking to. You need to be secure that you are enough the way you are, otherwise you will block the free flow of ideas which will cause a conversation to be lumpy and unnatural.
Use the snowball technique – Repackage everything she says (also demonstrates you are listening) and send it back to her with new content based on your own experiences/opinions/relation to the topic matter, and add your own stories as well.
Check out my new book on Amazon to get confident, and start meeting more women now.
How to overcome shyness & social anxiety to get social confidence.
Shyness and social anxiety can ruin a persons self esteem and social freedom.
“She’s so awkward! Everything she says is stupid. And look at what she’s wearing – ugh. Such white trash; why does she even bother? She should just go away already.” I heard this in my head every time I ventured into public. It echoed endlessly until I wished I could disappear. I huddled in the corner, afraid to speak to anyone and trying to be invisible.” – Kittie Eubank
For many guys, shyness prevents any chance of getting into a quality relationship. It’s hard to talk to women when our palms start to sweat even thinking about it.
It’s not just relationships:
Being shy can ruin our chances of making new friends, being comfortable at social events, and even getting a raise or promotion. When we’re shy in the workplace, it’s easy to get passed up for more outgoing personalities.
(Overcome shyness, build confidence, and improve all of your relationships. Click here for info.)
But what exactly is shyness?
What is shyness?
The American Psychological Association defines it as:
“The tendency to feel awkward, worried or tense during social encounters, especially with unfamiliar people. Severely shy people may have physical symptoms like blushing, sweating, a pounding heart or upset stomach; negative feelings about themselves; worries about how others view them; and a tendency to withdraw from social interactions.” – APA
It’s normal to be shy in some situations, especially if we’re not familiar. It’s only a problem when it starts to interfere with life, and alters the choices we make.
Not accepting an invite to a party, avoiding networking which could improve our careers, or not asking out a girl we like are all areas where shyness can lower the quality of life.
How do I overcome shyness?
Just like any area of self improvement, overcoming shyness and social anxiety, also called “social phobia”, is about what we do. Thinking it away doesn’t work.
Mindset is crucial, but we should always focus on which actions we should take to overcome shyness.
“Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strength. When you overcome hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength.” – Arnold Schwarzenegger
Although it may be awkward, going to more social events, not less, is the key. Social confidence comes from directly challenging your fears and doing the things that cause anxiety.
Take baby steps though, too much too soon can be a path to failure.
How can I succeed socially?
It’s going to require a lot of effort. With dedication, there isn’t any limit to how far you can go.
Read the 57 shyness tips below, or skip to the Q&A with the clickable table contents. You’ll find useful links which provide more details on different tips and techniques to overcome shyness. You’ll also find videos to help you succeed socially.
Having a coach in your corner can allow you to do the things you’d never do on your own. Its an extra push, accountability and support to get through tough challenges. When dealing with shyness, coaching can be the edge that get’s you past your sticking points.
2. Join a performing arts class
“I joined theater in 10th grade and was forced out of my own comfort zone.” – Lukas Schwekendiek
Being part of a performing arts class can put the pressure on, in a good way. In a supportive environment, you’ll learn how to perform in front of other people. You’ll also learn how to change your emotions for a better performance. If you can change your emotions, you can reduce shyness and be more social.
3. Teach what you’re good at
When we do something we have experience in it’s easier to feel confident. Pick a skill that you’re confident in then offer to teach some of your friends or family. You can even put an ad in Craigslist or any online classifieds site.
Showing other people a new skill will take your focus off of yourself, and put it on your students.
4. Narrow your focus to specific skills
Challenge yourself to learn specific social situations. One month you may try dance lessons, another could be business networking, and another month you may try speed dating. By splitting up each scenario you’ll avoid becoming overwhelmed trying to overcome shyness everywhere. You’ll also be able to focus on the specific skills involved in each scenario.
5. Don’t be late
Being late is not only a bad habit, but one that will increase social anxiety. When we’re late, it makes us more self conscious. Who wants to show up at a class only to have everyone look when we walk in and interrupt? Or what about a date? When we show up late we’re just adding one more thing (in our minds) for the other person to judge us by. Eliminate some anxiety and self consciousness by making a habit of being on time.
6. Give yourself praise
Pause at the end of the day to praise yourself for the good things you’ve done. It can be a small thing, like showing up on time or having complimented someone. By giving yourself praise you’ll send some ‘positive energy’ your own way.
“I realized that I am beautiful and always have been; I was just too blind to see it.
My heart opened to the truth that I have intrinsic value as a human being, and I bring something to the world that not a single other person can offer. It’s not about what I’m wearing or how much I weigh or what anyone else thinks about me. I am enough. Just as I am, right in this instant.” – Kittie Eubank
What do you think? Skip to the bottom to comment!
7. Never put yourself down
Calling yourself names will never make anything better. Avoid all self-slander and demotivating self talk. Use constructive criticism instead when a self analysis is necessary.
8. Use positive self talk
Talk yourself up when you need a boost. Sometimes we just need a little more time to get through a situation. By using positive self talk your’ll be able to stretch your limits and perform better. Also use “you” instead of “I”. Some studies show that saying “You can do it” is more effective than saying “I can do it”.
9. Exposure therapy
“Exposure therapy is a technique in behavior therapy used to treat anxiety disorders. It involves the exposure of the patient to the feared object or context without any danger, in order to overcome their anxiety and/or distress.” – Wikipedia
By exposing ourselves in small increments (baby steps) to the things we fear, we lose our fear. Sometimes social anxiety will never go away completely but getting it to manageable levels can change our lives.
Don’t worry about going to a therapist to get exposure therapy, you can do it yourself. Go every day into a social situation where you feel shy, chat a little, and then move on. By doing this daily the shyness will slowly decrease.
If you have extreme shyness you might consider a professional therapist too. Confidence coaching can also be effective.
10. Don’t hang out with shy people
It’s comfortable to be around people who are similar to us. The problem is when we’re trying to overcome shyness we don’t get positive examples to change our behavior. It’s too easy to stay the same when our closest influences hold us back.
Find more outgoing people to make friends with. You can find them at social events or on recreational sports teams.
Have you had positive or negative experience with the influence of friends or family? Skip to the bottom to comment.
11. Don’t label yourself as shy
One of the worst traps is negative self labeling. It’s ok to acknowledge certain conditions or a lack of skills in any area. That’s being honest and avoiding self delusion. It allows us to figure out what we need to work on too.
What doesn’t help is integrating shyness into our personal identity. Once we’ve established that ‘it’ IS US it’s no longer a matter of working on a skill. It becomes changing our very identity, which is much harder.
Don’t become your shyness. Identify it for what it is. A set of habits, lack of skills, or an unconscious reaction to social situations. Whatever it is, don’t let it become you.
If you’re already identifying personally with it begin to detach. Catch yourself in the act of labeling yourself as shy, and gently correct it. You can use self talk such as, “I’m working on becoming more confident.” Focus on the positive traits you’re developing.
12. Express your feelings to a journal or someone you trust
Keeping all of our feelings to ourselves doesn’t allow us to vent. It’s important to relieve the stress that shyness can cause. Especially when you’re working on improving your social skills.
Write down your experiences and feelings in a journal. If you trust someone, expressing your thoughts to them can have the same effect.
13. Go slowly
It’s impossible to change overnight. Sometimes change can be gruelingly slow. Expect your confidence to increase incrementally as you expose yourself to more social situations. If you’re moderately shy it will be faster than if you have severe shyness. Set realistic expectations to work on yourself over the course of months, even years.
As you get better you can add more difficult social challenges to overcome shyness.
14. Get out of your comfort zone
Instead of hiding from awkwardness seek it. If something makes you uncomfortable it’s a good sign that you should work on it. Get out of your shell be embracing discomfort.
15. Have a supportive group
Tell your family, friends or spouse that you’re working on your shyness. This will give you some accountability. It will also allow for others to support you so that you’re not doing it alone. Having a supportive group will increase your odds of success.
“I spent years in a poor relationship because I feared rejection. As I achieved some success in my career, I came to understand that people in general respected me and found my contributions worthwhile. Eventually, I came to the realization that this acceptance might extend to romantic partners.”
Can you relate to Jim? Scroll to bottom to comment.
16. Stop thinking about what others think about you, nobody cares
Instead, focus on what you think of them. Other people are just as insecure even if they may not show it. When we put our attention on other people and decide what we think of them, we can take the pressure off ourselves.
That doesn’t mean to be judgmental, just be aware that everyone else is as human as you. They’re also insecure, nervous, shy, and worried about judgment. They’re much too worried about what you think to care about judging you.
“For me, that is the crux of no longer being shy – taking the focus off what others think of me and placing it on being my best self and surrounding myself with others who make me want to be a better person.” Kittie-Eubank
17. Call your friend across the street (loudly)
When standing on a street corner, call out loudly to your friends on the other side. This will temporarily force you to deal with a few eyes pointing in your direction.
18. Write down your shyness goals
Knowing what you want to do about your shyness is an important first step. We all don’t have to be as confident as James Bond. Maybe you just want to feel comfortable in a small group? For other people it might be about overcoming stage fright, and yet others might want to be able to cold approach women.
Knowing what your goals are will help you narrow your focus. You’ll be able to tackle specific situations instead of worrying about all of them.
Once you know, write them down. By writing them down, we take them out of the idea category and make it a real thing.
19. Learn to love yourself
When we don’t love ourselves how can we believe that anyone else will? Learn to love yourself by taking time out of the day to reflect and pamper yourself. Focus on your good attributes. Take care of your health by eating well and sleeping well. All of these little things show self care and appreciation.
20. Take care of your fitness
A lot of insecurities come from bad self image. Many of us are more likely to be self conscious if we’re worried about our big gut, or about how skinny we are.
Most of my life I was a skinny guy. It was a major point of insecurity. When I got older I learned how to workout more effectively, and added a lot of size. I never became ‘jacked’ or muscular, but being stronger and fitter eliminated my body insecurity.
Have you ever dealt with body insecurity? Scroll down to comment.
21. Eat well
A bad diet is a sure fire way to increase anxiety and stress. If we’re more anxious then our shyness is also going to be worse. Eliminate high sugar junk food to avoid agitating social anxiety.
22. Sleep well
Bad sleep lowers intelligence, increases stress, and can cause anxiety too. We can minimize the social anxiety we feel by getting better sleep.
23. Stay away from negative news media
Pumping our minds full of media junk is a sure way to increase a general feeling of ‘unease’. When we’re trying to work on our confidence, anything that causes a bad outlook on life has to go! Every little thing counts, so don’t consume the daily bad news that the media uses to get clicks.
24. Consume positive news media
Just as consuming negative news can cause a negative outlook, consuming positive media will do the opposite. Watch inspirational videos, read uplifting stories, and get your daily dose of personal development. That slight edge from taking in the good stuff could be the difference between getting into a conversation with a stranger, or keeping to ourselves.
25. Use breathing exercises
Some social stress can be calmed down by taking control of our breathing. When you feel nervousness coming on, focus on your breathing. It will become shallow when social anxiety is overwhelming us. Take deep breathes to eliminate the tension.
26. Change your body language
Our body language is a sort of insecurity feedback loop. When we feel socially anxious, our body language looks insecure. When we adopt that negative body language, we feel more insecure. Body language can also be habitual, which means you’re probably repeating shy postures unconsciously.
We can’t always change our feelings with a single thought. Instead, interrupt the negative cycle by controlling your posture.
Stand up straight, lift your chin up slightly, hands out of your pockets, and unpin elbows from your ribs. by being bigger and taking space it will create feelings of confidence. Do this regularly and it will get easier to make yourself feel confident. At least, more confident.
27. Practice power poses
Amy Cuddy explains power poses in her 2012 TED Talk. Power poses, just like positive body language, will instantly change the way you feel. Use these before going into a situation where you feel shy.
28. Practice gratitude
Feeling grateful for what we already have has a calming effect. It allows us to focus on the good things. Focusing on what’s already good is a great long term strategy to use while working on what could be better.
Sometimes I still wake up experiencing anxiety. This will usually happen during extra stressful times, especially if I neglect myself. Gratitude always helps me to regain control and start on the right foot. First, I’ll focus on my breath. Then, I’ll put my attention on the things I’m already happy about. This simple strategy has saved many of my days from going down the drain.
You can also try Marie Forleo’s suggestion and start a gratitude journal.
29. Learn a martial art or boxing
Learning a martial art means getting into a group scenario. Being in direct contact with many different personalities allows us to develop social skills. It also is a great place to make lasting friendships because training with others creates deep bonds.
“At its core, martial arts teaches us the importance of socializing with others and it increases our social circles tenfold.”
Not only is it a good time to work on shyness with classmates, but martial arts will also increase your discipline and fitness levels.
Another reason that martial arts training will increase confidence is because it creates a secure sense of self. When you know you can handle yourself if things go wrong, you’ll naturally hold yourself more confidently. Other people will notice how you hold yourself and respect your space.
“Imagine being able to walk down a dark alley without fear, or being a woman that has the ability to take control over any situation. Any martial artist will tell you that the confidence they feel knowing that they are able to defend themselves in any compromising situation is incomparable. The self-defense skills you learn in class – from sparring to the techniques, prepare you for real-life situations.” – Evolve MMA
30. Learn to sing
“The first time I went on, I got booed off stage as I could not remember the words or chords to the song I could play in my sleep! I felt like crap but it got better and so did my shyness. The instincts that pushed me to overcome stage-fright pushed me to become calm in many of the social and business settings I would placed in the future.” – Sae Min Ahn
Singing usually means having an audience. This forces us to deal with insecure thoughts about being judged. Being a bad or good singer. Or even the weird shirt we wore that evening.
The good thing about singing lessons is that you’ll learn with an instructor, and with other beginners. This will take away some self consciousness and allow you to grow.
“As someone who experienced low self-esteem for a long time, singing has, personally, made a huge difference to my life.” – Fay Agathangelou
It helps with breathing, relaxation and slowing your heart rate.
It helps to relieve stress and muscle tension.
It helps with focus and concentration.
It helps with mindfulness and being in the present moment.
It can be meditative.
It’s challenging and rewarding.
It gives you meaning and purpose.
It takes you out of your comfort zone and it’s empowering.
It gives you a sense of achievement.
It’s a way of expressing yourself and your emotions.
It’s a way of meeting new people, especially when you join a group.
31. Decide to overcome shyness
Don’t “try” and don’t “give it a shot”. The way you describe your goal will affect your outcome. If you’re just trying you don’t really have any skin in the game. Make a commitment and decide to beat shyness.
32. Stop saying “can’t”
Telling ourselves how we “can’t” do anything becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.
Positive self talk can get us through the most difficult challenges. The opposite is true for negative self talk. Telling yourself that you ‘can’t’ will demotivate you and lead to quitting.
How do you know for a fact that you really and truly cannot do something? Have you given it your best, failed, fell, flunked and then attempted at least two more times? Have you pushed yourself outside that awful comfort zone that keeps you trapped to know your true boundaries? Have you explored every which way possible? – Farnoosh Brock
Replace every statement of “cannot” with the statement of “choose not”.
I can’t travel => I choose not to travel.
I can’t do yoga => I choose not to do yoga.
I can’t stand up for myself => I choose not to stand up for myself.
33. Do a video vlog
It may seem strange, but when I started vlogging I was really uncomfortable. You’d think it would be easy, but staring into the camera made my mind go blank. Worse yet, posting my videos online brought up all sorts of negative thoughts. I felt like I’d be plagued by trolls and negative comments.
What happened? Nothing. Most comments turned out to be positive. Eventually posting online was no biggie.
Start by filming videos which you keep to yourself. Most of the videos I filmed years ago never made it online, and I’ve since deleted some which did because my new videos are better.
When you feel more confident, start posting on YouTube. This will further stretch your comfort zone.
34. Write a public blog
Writing a public blog scared me at first. I was exposing my opinion to random strangers online. This caused more than a little anxiety. Just as with vlogging, nothing bad happened when I started posting online. Eventually I started writing on some publications which have major traffic. That was another anxiety hurdle and another success.
Pick a topic you’re really passionate about. If there’s nothing you want to write about, try a public journal.
35. Speak to a stranger a day
Get out every day with the goal of speaking to at least one stranger. It can be in a coffee shop line up, a table next to you at a restaurant, or even with the girl you ordered your drink from. Start a conversation by making a simple observation. It could be the crazy heat, some jewelry they’re wearing, or a comment on the book she has.
Speaking to strangers allows us to get outside of our own heads. It helps us to connect with others, and is a great way to overcome shyness.
“It seems like a very small thing if I talk to a stranger, and learn something about them… but it stacks up, it’s incremental.” – Kio Stark
36. Approach women (or men)
Approaching women is a surefire way to stir up some adrenaline. It’s also a great way to grow a thicker skin by learning to deal with rejection. The fear of rejection is a big part of shyness. Bringing it out into the open is essential for personal growth.
Not only will you learn how to overcome shyness, you can get some dates too. For many, it can be too much to handle on their own. If that’s you, then you might consider dating coaching.
P.S. this is an old interview I did with Derek Cajun (Love Systems) on overcoming approach anxiety.
37. Observe other people
What do other people do in social situations? It’s easier to figure absorb social skills when we observe others in the same situations we want to be in. Pay attention to how people use their voices, their body language, eye contact, and their reactions to certain behaviors.
38. Good mornings
Every morning on you’re way to work, say “good morning” to the people who pass. Simple, right? Many shy people will find this simple act to be uncomfortable. A lot people who don’t consider themselves to by shy also find it uncomfortable because they’re not used to it. That makes them feel “weird”.
Make this part of your daily routine for social confidence. When you start getting used to it, you’ll know that you’ve already become a more social person.
39. Eye contact and a smile game
Here’s how you do it:
Walk down the street and meet each persons eyes with your own. If they look at you, smile. If they look away, just keep walking.
Avoid aggressively staring by keeping your facial expression inquisitive, like you’re curious about the people you see. If you attempt eye contact and they don’t reciprocate, don’t worry about it. Look away after a couple of seconds to avoid overdoing it.
40. Don’t be a perfectionist
Some of my students get deterred when they look at me talk to women. They realize they’ll probably never be as good as I am. It’s true, I’ve been doing this for 10 years and have devoted a ridiculous amount of time to meeting women and dating.
But here’s the thing: why would anyone have to be as good as a pro to get great results? Can you not enjoy a game of soccer without playing like David Beckham?
“Aiming for perfection is the ultimate confidence killer, because if you aim for perfection, you’ll always fall short.” – Derek Halpern
Aim to improve your own personal social skills and confidence. Not to become perfect. Doing that will only cause frustration and end up in quitting.
Perfectionism is also a path to procrastination:
“Perfectionist tends to conjure up an immaculate vision of how things should be. So when it’s time to get to work, they become extremely detail oriented, start to obsess about every single thing, get weighed down by every problem, and get caught up by the need to create everything perfectly. Over time, the “pain” of such intricate attention becomes too painful, and this subsequently leads to procrastination — putting off a task to get some relief, but is in actual fact pushing away the pain that they create with each task.” – Personal Excellence
41. Dress better
Dressing better will make you feel good about yourself. It’s hard not to be self conscious when we hate the way we look. Look up some ideas in fashion catalogs, or ask an attractive girl for her opinion at a retail store. It will bring out some shyness but is a good way to start a conversation.
“You have to remember that you’re a man, and being extravagant isn’t necessary. You don’t need a lot of bells and whistles to look great.”
Another name for this is ‘peacocking’. This is a great idea by Derek Halpern to get other people to start conversations with you.
Wear a shirt that says something weird or interesting. You could also wear a hot with a slogan on it. Whatever it is, make sure it stands out. When you go into public people will be compelled to start chatting with you. You can check out more on this idea here.
A lot of shyness comes from being unfamiliar with social situations. Learn how to visualize yourself in different scenarios, talking to people. This will give you more confidence to speak since you’ve already ‘been there’ in your mind.
44. Focus on them, not you
Focus on the person in front of you to reduce your social anxiety. A lot of shyness comes down to being self absorbed and only thinking about ourselves. Show interest in the person in front of you; what does she do? Why does she do it?
45. Listen instead of thinking what to say next
Don’t wait for your opportunity to speak. Far too many people don’t actively listen, they just nod their heads while waiting for a chance to jump in. Instead, be a good listener.
Repeat back to her, in your own words, what she just told you. Then, add an opinion to it and dig deeper by asking another question. I call this the snowball technique, and it’s great for creating deep conversations and making connections.
It can feel awkward to compliment people when we’re not used to it. Sincere compliments are a great way to charm those around us and make connections. It’s also a good chance for you to practice getting out of your shell.
To make a sincere compliment, look at her and pick a quality like her sense of style, jewelry, hairstyle, or whatever else stand out to you. Keep the compliment low key and don’t repeat it more than once. Just be causal like, “That’s a nice tie. Where did you get it?” or “You have nicely done nails. Good summer colours.”
48. Smile at people
Smiles not only make others happy, but they also make the smilerhappy too. When we smile it tells others we’re friendly and open to being approached. Smile at a stranger every time you go out to spread the good vibe to yourself and others.
Meditation has a calming effect and helps us to sharpen our focus. Doing this on a daily basis will relieve anxiety that agitates shyness.
“Anxiety is a cognitive state connected to an inability to regulate your emotional responses to perceived threats. Mindfulness meditation strengthens a person’s cognitive ability to regulate emotions.”
50. Practice scenarios
Before going to a social even, rehearse what you’ll say to open conversations. What will you say and do when someone approaches you? How will you respond? How will you approach other people? Although scripting an entire conversation isn’t possible or desirable, practicing the opening and exit for a conversation will give you more confidence.
51. Don’t “socialize” online
It’s too easy to fool ourselves thinking that by chatting online we’re socializing. In reality, online friends are mostly a distraction and can deprive us of real human interactions. When we don’t have face to face chats shyness will get stronger.
“Social support can be a strong predictor of positive mental health. Emotional support has been shown to protect us from a wide array of both psychiatric and physical ailments. But unlike online friendships, real-life relationships take time and effort. They help us learn about others and ultimately ourselves.” – Shelly Bonanno, Pychcentral.com
What do you think about the effect of social media on our ability to socialize? Scroll down to comment.
All of these social exercises are going to make you uncomfortable, tense, and use a lot of energy. Whenever we try something new it takes extra effort. Especially when dealing with shyness. Not giving yourself a chance to recharge is a sure fire way to burn out and quit. Leave the city and recharge in nature. You’ll improve your concentration, short term memory and relieve stress.
53. Reward yourself
It’s important to reward ourselves while waiting for our new social skills and confidence to develop. Add some extra incentive for talking to random strangers by adding a treat for taking an action. Whether it’s approaching an attractive woman, starting a conversation at a cafe or going to a social event, give yourself a reward for following through. This is a great way to build a new habit too.
54. Speed dating
Maybe you’re not ready to approach an attractive stranger. If that’s so, speed dating will get you in front of some potential dates fast. It’s a good chance to practice body language, eye contact, and conversational skills. Experiment with different openers so you don’t say the same thing to your dates as every other guy in the room.
55. Meetup.com groups
Meetup.com has a ton of different social groups for almost any niche possible. Going to an established group will allow you to have conversations with new people in a controlled environment. Everyone there will be there for the same reasons as you; to meet new people and have fun. In your case, you’ll be able to sharpen your conversational skills and acclimate yourself to being in a group.
56. Join a beer league
The potential for fun while drinking and playing baseball probably doesn’t have to be explained. One extra benefit is that everyone will be focused on the game and drinking, which will give you breaks to recharge in between conversations.
You’ll probably get introduced by the organizer, so that will take pressure off of having to do it yourself. After that, grab a beer and enjoy the game.
57. Learn conversation skills
In most cases, shyness means having a deficit in social skills which create confidence. Learn conversation skills by observing conversations and going to social events to practice. Public speaking is another way to develop conversation skills. Most of the qualities of a good public speaker apply to conversations, except to be a great conversationalist you’ll want to focus on listening more.
“Be present. Be in that moment. Don’t think about your argument you had with your boss. Don’t think about what you’re going to have for dinner. If you want to get out of the conversation, get out of the conversation but don’t be half in it and half out of it.” – Celeste Headlee
It’s easy to be shy around someone we’re attracted to. When we see them, our heart starts beating, body temperature increases and our palms start sweating. Who wants to talk to their crush after turning into such a mess?
The key here is to gain control of your physical reaction. The sweaty palms, racing heart and high temperature can all be calmed.
First, read the entirety of this post for personal development tips to reduce your overall shyness and improved confidence.
Now, to gain control of your nervous physical reaction, follow the steps below:
Breath: The first thing to do is take deep, controlled breaths. When we’re nervous, our breathing will become shallow. This will aggravate our anxiety and allow it to spiral out of control. When you take deep breathes, it has a calming effect on the nervous system and allows for clear thinking and stress relief.
Posture: Shyness almost always involves bad posture. Most people will put their hands in their pockets, cross their arms, and pin their elbows to their ribs when nervous. To combat these feelings, pay attention to your body language. Are your muscles tightening up? Consciously relax them. Hunched forward? Then stand tall. Arms pinned to your ribs? Relax them and let them expand away from your body.
Focus: What are you thinking about when you see your crush? Chances are that the main focus is on yourself. Insecurity tends to make people hyper sensitive to their own shortcomings, whether real or imagined. Change your focus to your breath, something in your environment, or a conversation. If you’re talking to your crush then focus on her words. Be curious and ask questions which go below the surface.
Here’s a list of books which may help you on your quest to overcome shyness and social anxiety. I don’t endorse these books as I have not read them, but there is a wide selection on Amazon with great reviews.
If you try one of these books, please comment below about your experience.
My experience with coaching has shown me that when guys get shy, their voices get quiet. As soon as a man goes and talks to a woman, and lowers the volume of his voice, the chances of anything happening are slim to none.
It’s a submissive gesture to lower our voices. When a man shows up and says, “Hey! I’m submissive and nervous!” it’s an automatic turn off for women.
They want an assertive, confident man who doesn’t apologize for what he wants.
Of course, this isn’t all about dating. So what about in other social situations? Whether you’re a ,man or a woman, being quiet because of shyness can feel suffocating. It’s a sort of attempt to hide and not draw any attention your way.
To overcome this tendency, practice raising your voice.
Chances are that your voice is much quieter than you even imagine. This will make it hard to gauge how much to turn up the volume, but any practice will make you less self conscious.
Here are some signs that you speak too quietly:
People always asking you to repeat yourself.
People tend to lean in to hear you.
Misunderstanding are frequent, which forces you to re explain.
Here’s how to improve your speaking volume:
Take a deep breath before speaking so that the ‘chamber’ is full.
It can be tough to deal with shyness at school with all of the different pressures we get exposed to.
Schools are small communities, so ‘word’ tends to get around, and reputations spread quickly. That makes social anxiety all the more difficult to deal with.
There are some things we can do to ease the nerves a bit.
Be on time: Being late for classes will increase our own stress by forcing us to rush. It will also bring extra attention when we walk through that door and the teacher has already begun the lesson. On a reverse note, dealing with that extra attention will diminish shyness, but being late isn’t the best way to do this.
Be active in your school: Don’t let shyness force you into obscurity. The more social situations are avoided, the more control shyness will take. Deal with it directly by getting involved with school or social activities.
Challenge yourself: Make a point of targeting specific social situations which make you feel awkward. Maybe it’s joining a group of friends who are already chatting, or doing a presentation in front of the class. Work on these one by one until you get more confident.
Just like school, work can cause extra anxiety for some shy people. Use the same steps mentioned above to overcome work related shyness. Another thing to do is to become really good at what you do. When we feel competent at our jobs it builds confidence.
Be the go to expert at your work and people will soon start coming to you for advice. This will provide more opportunities to socialize and build your confidence.
If that’s the case, it’s going to be hard to make progress. I used to be the same though. I hated being around people, and would always find reasons why “people suck”.
It turned out that was just my depression talking. When I changed my focus to the good qualities people possess, everything started to change. I started to like people, and this grew my desire to learn how to make connections.
How to like people:
Look at the good: Focus on the good qualities in everyone you meet
Don’t generalize: If someone is a jerk, don’t generalize, “All people are jerks.” Instead, recognize everyone is different.
Empathize: That ‘jerk’ may have just had a bad day, a break up, financial trouble or other issues. Recognize that he/she may not be displaying his whole character.
Improve your own character: Sometimes jerks are a reflection of what were projecting. When you show up with a scowl on your face, a bad attitude, or a demanding or impolite tone of voice, other people will react in kind. You can improve your character with step 4, or try doing things for others with no expectation of something in return.
Confront your social fears: Sometimes disliking other people is about our own fears of them. Expose yourself to social situations to and get into conversations.
“My experiences with shyness came down to fear of the unknown, as in “what is going to happen?” and fear of disapproval. The way to get past this is to have scenarios modeled and to understand one’s own value in the world. Modeling scenarios helps with that “what will happen?” question…” – Doug Dingus
This is all about how to meet women from a romantic perspective, and stand apart from other men who choose apps, bars or online dating. Learn where to get dates in your city whether that’s Vancouver, Toronto, Los Angeles or Timbuktu, and increase your confidence at the same time. Let’s get started!
Mainstream dating “wisdom” will keep you limited in where and how you can meet women, but who wants to be limited?
I’m going to explain why you’re not getting dates with the kind of women you want, the big lies about dating that may be holding you back, and how to change your love life forever with a few simple strategies and mindsets.
So much bad dating advice exist because most people simply don’t know any better, but love giving advice anyways.
The majority of dating “experts” only have average levels of experience with women, or they’re women who have ZERO experience dating women.
Fake experts just rehash dating myths to men who then end up frustrated when nothing works.
A good measure of a “gurus” experience is how conventional their advice is. If they advise you to meet women via:
Then you can be pretty sure that they’re not a real life James Bond with the ladies.
Some of these methods are valid for meeting women, but would anybody with above average experience recommend “play tennis” as dating advise?
If they knew of a better way they wouldn’t be recommending the same old cliches. I call this the “Mommy standard” for judging dating advice. If your mom could have told you exactly the same thing, then you might want to be skeptical.
The options on their pole for “best place to score a date in Vancouver” were restricted to work, online, clubs, getting hooked up or a social activity.
I love social activities, but they’re a lot more fun when there’s no pressure to meet a woman.
And the sad result of this poll: A setup through a friend.
Women are everywhere, yet the conventional “go do a social activity” dating advice is the only thing most people can think of.
Some “experts” even go as far as telling men not to talk to women: From So Suave
“Thinking “I wish I could talk to her” is NOT a sign that you need to learn how to approach strangers in public, where every hot woman is angered by or terrified of new men talking to her.Thinking “I wish I could talk to her” IS a sign you need to GET A LIFE.”
That’s a man who doesn’t know how to approach women. His advice is based on his own lack of social skills.
Sorry Ron Louis & David Copeland, but if you’re “terrifying” or “angering” hot women by talking to them then maybe you’re the one’s who shouldn’t be meeting them. Other men, on the other hand, might want to give it a try.
Since you’re here to learn how to meet women in public, you have an advantage over other guys who are stuck with conventional dating wisdom.
Bringing The Romance Back: How Women Like To Be Pursued
This story I wrote on Elite Daily shows what’s possible and the difference between being a romantic Vs. clicking on a profile.
From: Approach Women Like a Gentleman: 6 Ways To Get The Woman of Your Dreams
She walked past me in the opposite direction. Her face was eclipsed by a black umbrella tilted slightly forward, but I could see her lips, and my senses were tempted. At that moment, I was pushing through an after-work crowd with a friend in tow, talking about how to meet women.
Serendipity struck; my friend and I kept talking, but my heart wasn’t in the conversation anymore. My head turned sharply, looking back as if caught by a fishing line, hooked and in tow.
Her jeans hugged her curvy form and brought attention to her feminine physique. Long, brownish hair with golden highlights cascaded over her shoulders and rested lightly against her back.
It was raining, ever so slightly, but still enough to feel the cold, damp air penetrate my clothing. The street was busy with people dressed in suits and overcoats leaving their offices, hustling to make it home for dinner and to find their favorite spot on the couch to kick their feet up.
I looked back again and she was starting to disappear into the crowd. Mid-sentence, I broke away and ran back, dodging umbrellas, briefcases, and power-walking office types. I got her attention as if I wanted directions and she stopped briefly to face me.
A look of surprise and caution formed on her face when I told her why I stopped her, then she started slowly walking away. A ton of people were walking through our conversational bubble, making it even more awkward as the space in between us widened, but I persisted.
“You walked past me and I ran back because I wanted to meet you,” I said. She was still moving away slowly, but I kept talking while staying planted to the ground. An awkward handshake through bustling bodies, an introduction and a minute later, her phone number was in my address book.
The encounter was brief, and it was even awkward, but that was the beginning of a romance which wasn’t planned or predictable…
That approach turned into a long term relationship with a hot, high quality girl. I know because that’s my own story.
Contrast my story with “I saw her pic on Tinder and thought, sure, why not! Then I swiped right…”
Benefits of Meeting Women in Public
It’s a romantic gesture
You’ll distinguish yourself from all of the other men who would never even dare
It shows audacity and asseriveness which are attractive qualities to women
You’ll have endless options for meeting women, everyday, everywhere
Stop relying on online dating or friends to hook you up
How Being ‘Your Own Man’Instead of Impressing Women Get’s More Dates
The qualities that’ll get you more women are about developing yourself as a man. It’s sort of like cross training so you can get stronger for an Ironman competition.
Although your goal is to be more athletic, you’ll still gain muscle as a side effect. That means looking better, feeling better great, and getting more attention from women.
Looking good and gaining confidence isn’t the objective of this training, but it’s a side effect.
That’s how you should look at most of the personal development that will get you the kind of relationships you want (and keep you out of the kind you don’t want).
There’s another benefit: you won’t rely on any woman to validate you, which will free you to be yourself.
You’ll have your own interest and aspirations that keep you busy, focused, and excited about life. A great woman will compliment a great life, not be your life.
Too many men end up being needy because they have nothing else going on. When they meet someone cool they cling on for dear life. All of their time ends up being about her and not about their aspirations.
This kills relationships because neediness is a huge turn off for women.
From The Art of Manliness: Being Your Own Man
When you’re eight years old, you’re pretty much oblivious to the opinions of others. You can wear a superhero cape to the grocery store, pretend to be a pirate at a party, and declare that your aunt’s blouse is ugly, all without a second thought to the judgment of others. Then one day, most likely in middle school, some snot-nosed kid makes a crack about your Spider-Man t-shirt, and while you pretend to blow it off, the t-shirt never again sees the light of day.
Over time, we change to fit other peoples expectations and avoid doing things that might not be approved by others.
From The Art of Manliness
Are you having success? If you’re moving up in the world, and doing well for yourself, but people are criticizing what you’re doing, brush off these haters. If you weren’t doing a good job, then you wouldn’t be finding success. These people are usually jealous and just trying to hold you down.
Benefits of Being Your Own Man
Confidence and independence to do what you want
Attractive to women
Will eliminate neediness which is a big energy drain
Set Boundaries: To be your own man stop being pushed around, used, or mistreated by others. Identify people in your life that are downers or discourage you from growing, and get rid of them. Another option is to limit contact with downers as you develop your confidence.
Get Things Done: Choose something that you’ve had on your “to do list” for a while. Now, get it done. If you can’t do it right now at least put it on your schedule. By clearing mental burdens you’ll get a major monkey off of your back.
Goals: Write your goals and dreams, then set a deadline to get them done. No deadline or decisive action plan means your goals are just nice ideas and will not happen.
How to Meet Women With Casual conversation starters
Situational approaches are any approach which is not direct. They can even include compliments, like telling a girl at the cafe that she has nice nails, but not being direct about your intentions. Instead, you make a compliment in passing or a random remark like, “Does it feel like winter yet?”
The point is to start a conversation with a casual remark.
Requires less balls than going direct
Is subtle, and you can gauge her interest before asking her out
Can be used in many closed public settings (indoors) without creating awkward moments
Rejection free, because you can’t be rejected for making a comment
Go out and make some observational openers. Cafes are the easiest places to give this a try.
Imagine a computer. The monitor, keyboard, and processor are the hardware. Without any software to run it, your computer would be worthless. Your body is your hardware and your mindset is your operating system. It gives you access to the power of the hardware, and determines what software you can run. It lets you get the most out of your computer, allowing you to balance your checkbook and even create 3-D designs. – Gorilla Mindset
In the next section you’ll learn common mindset fallacies that could be costing you dates, and some steps to change it.
This is a common question, and it doesn’t matter if you live in a city like Vancouver, Toronto, or Tokyo, it’s always the same.
As corny as it sounds, love really is all around: On the train, at work, at the pub, in the library, and even online. But sometimes it’s hard to keep your eyes open to the possibilities that cross your path. If you’re not looking with wide-open eyes and listening with wide-open ears, you could be missing out on a love that’s right under your nose…
Maybe they were serving you a coffee or giving your cat a needle or teaching you first aid and you just let them go because it never even crossed your mind that you could step towards them and see if they would take your hand.” via News.com.au
You’re probably a busy guy, so it’s easy to be out “not looking” because you’ve got things on your mind.
You come across an attractive server, barista, or receptionist, and it might not occur to you, “This girl might actually go out with me”.
Why wouldn’t she? We’re all human, and attraction can happen anywhere. Limited thinking comes mostly from a lack of confidence, but also from conditioning.
We’re told you can only meet women:
At a social activity
Women are still women everywhere regardless if they’re working, walking, with friends, at a club or online.
Their basic human desires stay the same. Women don’t go to work and then turn into a machines.
Single women still want to meet men regardless of the time, day of the week, or scenario. It’s important to pay attention to the scenario though. Don’t charge in like a social bulldozer without a clue, adjust your approach.
Today, make the decision that you’ll talk to one woman. This will open your mind to any opportunities that arise. Better yet, make your own opportunities.
Be open to getting dates from anybody that you meet:
The barista at your favorite cafe
The woman delivering your FedEx package
Any woman walking down the street
A woman checking into a hotel
Girls in a tour group
Office women on a lunch break
A girl reading a book at the beach
Make some attempt at conversation. If you’re silent there’s no chance, but if you say something you never know where it may lead.
Why The Fear of Rejection Stops You From Getting Dates
The ego is probably the biggest roadblocks stopping you from meeting great women.
Anytime you’re worried about rejection, it’s part of a fear that your ego will be damaged because you won’t look good if she says no.
“If this random woman doesn’t like me then that will make me look less valuable or cool.”
Benefits of Dealing with the Ego
Reduces the pain of rejection so that you don’t let it get in the way of meeting another women
Will allow you to meet much hotter women instead of settling
Don’t try to convince her: Never approach women with the mindset that you have to convince her to like you. The less you have to convince a woman to like you, the more she’ll like you.
Focus on making introductions: If you focus on introductions you can’t fail. Why? Because every time you introduce yourself to women THAT’S success. Not the thing you can’t control, like whether she likes you or not. This will also take the pressure off of you to “be cool”
Get rejected a lot: This will seem counter-intuitive, but the more you get rejected the tougher you’ll get. These rejections won’t seem like such a bad thing because you’ll get numb to them. Of course, the point isn’t just to get rejected, but if you realize that each rejection brings you closer to victory it will be exciting instead of negative.
Do This If You “Don’t Feel Like” Going Out To Meet Someone
What would happen if one day you decided you just “didn’t feel like” going to work? Would you still have a job if you acted on these negative feelings? It’s highly unlikely.
You went because you wanted to get a result; money to pay the bills, go on a trip, etc.
Too many guys allow their feelings at the moment to dictate the results they get in the future.Everything you’re doing right now will determine where you end up.
Benefits of Taking Action When You “Don’t Feel Like It”
You get it done instead of having to make excuses
You will meet women in spite of any negative feelings that day, or that moment
You’ll learn new skills and gain experience in spite of a potentially poor performance
You’ll learn emotional control and discipline
An action habit will be enforced, and wont be dependent on your mood
Scenario 1: you’re at home and don’t really feel like going out to approach women, so do this: Instead of forcing yourself (using willpower), trick yourself into it by telling yourself that you will just go for a quick ten minute walk around the neighborhood. Make this easier ahead of time by preparing the clothing items you need to go for a walk.
Tell yourself that ‘if’ you see someone you “feel” like talking to, then you’ll talk to her. Take the pressure off yourself so you don’t build up anxiety. This will give your brain a rest and you’ll have the chance to put yourself out there where you could meet someone.
Alternatively use another form of leverage like going to the store to pick up something you need/want, or even treat yourself for going out by getting your favorite thing.
Scenario 2: You’re already out, and really don’t feel like talking to anyone. Warm up your social muscles by saying hi to a few people to get out of your head. Grab a coffee or something at a store and start a brisk conversation with whomever serves you.
By developing these social habits you’ll be able to take advantage of a lot more opportunities. Guys who don’t have these habits will miss opportunities because they’re not conditioned to respond to them.
Most guys react to opportunities in a way that prevents them from getting dates; such as walking down the street and catching a girls eye contact, then looking away shyly.
Instead of a palm-print on your own face you could have a hot girls number in your phone. If you make a habit of catching opportunities you’ll never have to worry about not getting dates.
Dating life on autopilot. Less thinking about getting dates and more getting dates
Sharpen your social skills just by going out
Save time going out to meet women because you’ll be meeting them everywhere
Create a morning routine that will make you feel awesome so you’re more likely to take action
Say ‘good morning’ to each person who passes by at the beginning of the day
Start conversations with everyone you have to interact with (line up, cashier, bus driver)
Approach the FIRST attractive woman you see when you go out everyday. This will make you feel great right off the bat, possibly get a date
Make eye contact with every woman you pass on the street. If she smiles, talk to her right away
One reason you may be failing to meet women is because you’re not asking the right questions.
Women are everywhere but guys still ask “Where do I meet women?”. Because I’m a dating coach I hear this question all of the time.
A better question would be “How can I talk to a girl walking down the street?”. This question will make you think of a solution. That question lead to where I am now in my life because I set out to learn.
There are some other possible roadblocks as well:
Excuses: Anything that begins with “but” is an excuse. Make yourself feel awesome by being able to say “I did it”.
Blame: “The women here are unapproachable” and any other statement like that won’t get you laid. In Vancouver that’s a common theme. In Seattle they call it the “Seattle chill”.
Lifestyle: Sloppy, out of shape, and financially depressed men are not good candidates for quality women. Up your lifestyle game and everything else will change too.
Fear: It’s easy to be controlled by our fears, and usually our fears manifest as excuses. Start challenging fears instead of avoiding them.
Fashion: What you wear says something about how you think about yourself. Raise your standards.
Ignorance: I’ve heard so many guys talk about women being this or that, even though they’ve had almost no experience with women. If your perspective on women is based on limited experience, then you’re limiting your results.
Bad Advice: The internet is awash in bad advice from fake gurus, not to mention “helpful” friends who want to give advice. I once met a divorced single mother who wanted to be a dating coach for women….yeah.
All Walk, No Talk: There are tons of PUA and dating guru groupies out there who will read everything that their favorite coaches write and never act on it. Even bad advice acted upon is better than great advice when there’s no follow through.
Where Can I meet Women? This question seems straightforward but it’s also easy to answer; Women are everywhere. There is no shortage in beautiful women in the world, just a shortage of men willing to introduce themselves.
Lack of Experience. A lot of us are conditioned not to talk to strangers, so we don’t gain this social experience.
Social Skills. Also a result of limited experience; a lack of social skills will lower confidence for any social situation.
It’s not about dressing in suits, or buying the most expensive designer clothes; it’s all about the fit.
If your clothes fit right you’ll get more female eyes pointing in your direction.
Benefits to Wearing Properly Fitting Clothing
Women will notice you
You’ll look and feel more confident
You’ll look like a guy who has his “it” together
More women will say “yes” when you ask them on dates
Get fit: This is crucial, because what’s the point of properly fitting clothing if you have nothing to show for? It doesn’t mean getting jacked or looking like an athlete, but basic fitness levels will give you a lot of options for men’s styles you wouldn’t have otherwise.
Form fitting clothes: This is the main key to men’s style. It’s clothing which isn’t baggy and not too tight either. You may want to look at some men’s fashion magazines or even consider a consultant to help you figure this out. Baggy clothing looks sloppy, unattractive, and gives the impression that the guy is a slacker (except for hip-hop types).
Nice shoes: The shoes really make the ensemble. You could wear plain jeans and a T-shirt, but if you add a nice pair of shoes you will look like a million bucks. On the other hand, take a guy with the same plain T-shirt and jeans, but give him a dirty old pair of shoes and he could almost look like a homeless man.
You may be on a date, everything seems like it’s going well, then suddenly…she seems a little different.
Now she says “I have some things I have to do and really should get going.”
Why did she suddenly go cold on such a good date?
You may not be able to know for sure, but if you don’t have these common hygiene mistakes under wraps you could be losing out on a ton of potential second dates (and lays).
It seems obvious enough but I can’t count how many times I’ve taking guys out coaching and noticed dirty nails.
Bad hygiene is a date killer.
The Top 7 Hygiene Mistakes and How To Fix Them
Nails: Always make sure your nails are trimmed short (hands and feet), and there is zero dirt underneath. A buddy of mine who’s a coach had to get his client to buy a nail clipper on a coaching session and get him to trim/clean his nails before talking to women. It may not seem like a big deal, but women notice.
Clothes: Make sure you don’t have stains on your clothing, and that you’re always wearing clean underwear. It’s not just for the women you might meet, but if you don’t even have the self respect to stay clean you certainly won’t feel the confidence to meet women.
Hair: Greasy, unkempt hair is the trademark of a slob. Wash your hair daily. Also TRIM YOUR NOSE HAIR. You’ll send dates running if there are Anacondas creeping out of your nose.
Home: I went to a client’s house once and was shocked at how dirty everything was. Dirt, dirt everywhere. Not mountains, but you could see the speckles of grime everywhere, especially the “out of the way” spots that you would think nobody’s going to notice. Well, they notice. Clean your home thoroughly on a weekly basis.
Chapped Lips: I can’t even believe how many guys I’ve seen with skin peeling off of their lips….nasty. I took a friend out to help him meet women and the first thing I noticed was his car-wreck looking lips that NO WOMAN would ever want to kiss. When you’re talking to a girl she’ll notice your lips, especially as her attraction grows and she starts glancing down at them. If your lips are chapped and flaking it’s game over, so buy some lip-balm.
Bad Breath:To cure this brush your tongue. The tongue traps food within its creases, which then rots and creates bacteria. The same thing happens between your teeth if you don’t floss. Do both of these things daily after meals, and some mouthwash doesn’t hurt either.
Trimming the Boys: Trimming the mess down below shows that you pay attention to your hygiene and is much more attractive.
If you have feminine, or submissive body language you’ll feel a lack of confidence. Any women you meet are going to react negatively to this.
Everything about you is assessed within seconds of meeting someone; it’s almost entirely about the way you communicate with body language.
Good body language = Dates
Bad body language = No dates
It’s simple (sort of).
You’ll not only communicate to others about who you are, you will also communicate to yourself about who you think you are.
Walking around with your shoulders rolled forwards and your hands in your pockets feels bad. Contrast that to walking with your head up, back straight, and hands by your side.
Benefits of Manly Body Language
Instantly feel more confident
Increase your odds of getting dates you talk to women
Look like a boss
Look more attractive
Makes you look & feel like a man (women love men)
Eye Contact: When you walk the streets don’t look at the ground. Look straight ahead like a confident man. When you meet a woman, keep your eyes on her eyes. This is the #1 key to creating attraction on a date, or when you approach a woman.
Stand Straight: Use all of your height instead of shrinking.
Hands out of Your Pockets: Arnold Schwarzenegger put it best “You can’t climb the ladder of success with your hands in your pockets.” No confident man walks around with his hands in his pockets. It looks insecure and will make you feel insecure. I see it often, a student will go talk to a girl and as soon as he gets her attention he’ll shove his hands in his pockets. Girls don’t stick around for long after that.
Don’t Fidget: Fidgeting is the same as putting your hands in your pockets. It’s an expression or nervousness that expresses itself in your hands.
The most common question I get is “What do I say?” The short answer is almost anything. The long answer is that there are specific things you can say to open conversations, and some tricks so you never “run out of things to say”.
The basic rule of thumb is focus on the girl. Whether on an approach or a date, keep the conversation on her and you’ll be golden.
The main reason is because you’ll connect with her emotionally.
Why? Because by getting her to talk about herself she’ll open up to you. If she opens up it will create trust and that “he gets me” feeling.
Unless you create an emotional connection she’ll never go out with you, even if she gives you her phone number.
Here’s what to do next:
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It seemed like you really hit it off when you met. She was smiling, flirting, and was super enthusiastic. “Yeah, let’s have coffee!” she said before leaving. You messaged her expecting she’d get right back to you, but hours passed, then days, and she didn’t even bother to say “Hi” back.
“I’ve messaged countless women with very little luck. The ones that do reply back end up messaging 3-5 times, but when I try to set up a date the text msg gets cold.”
Or maybe she did respond, and you had a great text conversation.
You bantered back and forth, told a few jokes, and you knew she was into you. It seemed like everything was good but when you asked her to meet she stopped messaging, or would take hours to get back to you.
In the end it was just “I’m busy” or no reply at all, and frustration. It may seem like a mystery but there’s a way to get more girls to reply.
Keep reading till the end, you wont want to miss all the details.
Why do women go cold on text and what can you do about it?
That feeling of excitement from meeting someone new quickly turns into disappointment when your text chat goes cold. Even worse, when she doesn’t even bother to reply.
You feel like you did everything right but it’s a complete mystery why she won’t respond to you.
You may have even tried to look up “text game” but you’re still not getting any responses.
This is a common issue that men face after getting numbers from a attractive women.
It seems strange because when you met her it was all smiles and flirts. However, you think about it everything becomes clear. Hot girls get asked out by guys all of the time, and if you don’t stand out there’s another guy who’s going to get her attention.
Getting her to reply and come out on a date often boils down to getting out of your own way. It doesn’t matter if you’re in Toronto, Vancouver, Calgary, Asia, or anywhere else in the world. Women will respond positively if you let them.
The common text mistakes guys make can change a girl from interested to “busy”. If you’re doing any of the following, it could be killing your chances to get a date:
Sending long messages
Telling her your life story
Using the “3 day rule”
Trying to make her like you by text
Trying to be cool, witty or funny
Not getting to the point of why you got her number in the first place
You don’t need to be funny, tell her your life story, have a text conversation or try to make her like you.
Women fall for guys who make them feel something. When you introduced yourself she may have felt butterflies, curiosity, been turned on, or she may have had no interest at all. Whatever it was, that’s going to be the one thing that compels her to reply or not.
If you take too long to msg (3 day rule) or set up a date (get to the point) you’ll let her cool off and “life will get in the way”.
Guys who are feeling insecure will often send long text or message frequently. It’s needy, and turns women off because it looks like you have nothing better to do.
*Note: There’s nothing wrong with being funny or witty, it’s just not necessary and can even work against you. It’ll often look like a guy is trying too hard, so just stick to the basics.
Why You Can’t Win A Woman Over By Text
Guys sometimes tell me “I don’t agree with you on this one, I know I’ve changed girls minds by texting them X and X…”
The problem is, 90% of communication which creates attraction is missing when you text. Body language, voice tonality, eye contact, and touch.
Attraction isn’t created with pixels on her phone. If she didn’t like you when you met, nothing you text will change her mind. Sometimes it’s just a matter of persistence and timing, and that’s where following up comes into play. More on how to follow up near the end.
The Purpose Of Texting
There’s only one reason to text a girl you’ve just met – To set up the first date.
Don’t get confused by so called pick up artist trying to sell you “The Ultimate Guide To Texting” or any other complicated junk. You have her number so now it’s time to make the magic happen; go see her in person.
3 Simplified Rules To Get Dates By Text
This is the only set of rules you’ll ever need on how to text girls. I’ve done this for years and know how effective it is. Best of all, it’s simple and easy.
MSG her the same day you met her – Attractive women get invited on dates almost daily. If you don’t message her the same day she’ll lose interest in a flash. Life’s busy, don’t become background noise.
Set up a date on your first message – There’s no reason to go through a series of messages trying to win a woman over. She either likes you or she doesn’t, so strike the iron while it’s hot. Avoid over thinking and ask her to meet.
Keep it simple – Don’t send a long complicated message. Keep you first message short and sweet by getting to the point.
Isn’t Messaging Her Too Soon Needy?
A lot of guys use the three day rule because they’re worried about looking needy. In reality, a guy who sets things up right away looks bold and assertive. He’ll also stand out from all of the other guys who are waiting, trying to look cool even though they’re thinking about her all day.
Guys who wait master… I wont say it, but you get the point. There isn’t a perfect time to message after meeting a woman, but if you wait your odds will decrease.
The window of opportunity after meeting a girl is short.
Take advantage of that short time while you’re fresh in her memory. You’ll only come off as needy if you send her a novel sized text or too many messages, as was mentioned earlier.
“As a general rule, whoever is putting the most effort into the communication is the one doing the chasing. So if you want to have any shot of getting a girl to chase you, then you must not over-text. Instead, look to keep the text ratio close to 1:1 and text the girl about as frequently as she texts you.” – The Art of Charm
What Should I Say In My Message?
As long as you keep it simple and to the point, the exact wording isn’t too important. Tell her it was good to meet her, and ask which day works to meet up for coffee. It’s really that simple.
One thing to avoid is weak language like “Do you want to”, “Can we” “Could we”, “Would you like to” Those all come off as ‘beta’ or insecure.
In my case, I actually set up first dates at home which is a bit more complicated. I won’t go into that on this post though as it’s much more advanced than setting up a coffee. Keep it simple for better results.
I always send a follow-up text a couple of days later if I don’t get a reply.
Typically, I will make a bit of a joke in my message or call her out (lightheartedly) as someone who doesn’t reply. There’s no reason why you can’t be direct about it, just keep it fun.
A lot of women who don’t reply to the first message will reply to the second one. It knocks the fence sitters off the fence. The women who are not interested will continue to be silent.
I’ll often just send a “?” and be done with it. Again, it’s just a poke or friendly reminder for fence sitters.
Part of dating is a numbers game, so don’t get too torn up about someone not replying. After all, who’s she anyways? A stranger. Don’t take it too seriously, another date is always just around the corner.
Internet Dating And Text
Online dating is a different animal altogether. I’ll be putting some detailed articles together to talk about that in future post.
If you have any questions just leave a comment below.
The definitive guide to talking to women and not weirding them out.
Have you ever really wanted to talk to a girl but you were worried about being “creepy”? Maybe she was walking down the street, or in the line up at the coffee shop, but you stood there staring at her. You probably felt like you couldn’t come up with something “not weird” to say, right?
If so, keep reading. I’m going to break down the reasons guys feel creepy, and how you can start feeling like a boss instead.
If you’ve ever asked yourself,”How do I flirt without being creepy?” or “How do I approach girls without being creepy?” If so, you’ve put the brakes on your own progress. This is called self-sabotage.
Because this question is part of the problem. It’s a projection of how a guy feels about himself. It also becomes a self fulfilling prophesy. The reason is that if you’re focusing on “creepy” you can’t be confident.
“Too many of you guys are obsessed with possibly being seen as creepy (which make you seem creepy, ironically enough). […] If someone likes you they are not going to think you’re creepy, but if they don’t like you even giving them a compliment can be “creepy”(source: experience). You people obsessed with being seen as creepy are fu**ing with your own heads.”
Nailed it, especially in the last line. Worrying about being creepy is going to mess with your own head. That in itself will lead to all sorts of weird behavior. You can’t have a great conversation if you’re thinking negatively about yourself.
Another part of the equation is that you’re never going to be able to please everyone. No matter what you do some women will find it creepy. If she likes you it will be harder to creep her out.
What is creepiness?
This is important to understand so you can learn what triggers it.
“causing an unpleasant feeling or fear or unease.”
It’s that simple. Nothing mystical or vague, just discomfort.
The easiest way to make her feel “unpleasant”, “fearful” or “uneasy” is by altering your behavior trying to be normal or cool. This will make you look fake. Being fake will make her think you’re hiding something. That tells her that you’re not to be trusted.
This will make anyone uneasy. No one wants to turn their back on someone who may have ulterior motives.
By worrying about it you’re going to make her uncomfortable because she’s reading your discomfort. This is also called ‘being awkward’. By being comfortable you won’t come across as awkward or fake.
Don’t worry though, I’m not going to tell you to “be yourself”. Some practical advice is coming up.
First, some behaviors which will make you look creepy and what to do instead.
Leaning forward – Stand straight up or lean back.
Invading her space – Stay 4-8 feet until she comes into your space. Be a force of gravity and not a satellite.
Avoiding eye contact or looking at the ground – Keep your eyes on hers with natural breaks.
Psycho eye contact – Smile a bit and soften your facial expressions to avoid a psycho stare.
Unwelcome touching – There’s too much to explain about how to get physical properly in this post. As a rule of thumb, when you’re starting out just avoid physical contact except for a handshake.
Speaking too quietly – Guys will lower their voices when speaking to women who intimidate them. That’s a submissive gesture and a turnoff for women, and can also look weird. Keep the volume of your voice strong, like a man.
Nervous smiles – A lot of guys will smile too much by forcing it. It looks insincere and insecure. Instead, smile when there is a reason to, not just because you’re looking at her.
Out of conversation
Hovering around a girl without saying anything – She’s going to figure out that you keep ending up where she is. She’ll probably notice the fact you’re glancing at her, too. Talk to her right away instead.
Staring without saying anything – Same as above. If she’s worth staring at then maybe you should say something.
Following a girl on the street – Again, same as above. Don’t walk down the street tailing her thinking about talking to her. Either do it or move on.
The fear of being creepy is insecurity
I’ve never worried about weirding women out because I’ve always felt secure about myself. I know I bring value to the table when I talk to them. I also know that my social skills are solid and I can communicate my intentions clearly. Even when I started to learn how to approach women the thought just never came up. Even though I was very nervous it was the last thing on my mind.
The fear of being a creep is insecurity. It’s expressed as concern for her feelings but that concern is misplaced. It’s really about you. A confident man with social skills has nothing to worry about.
That insecurity takes attention away from where it should be, the woman you want to talk to. That will put you in a bad head-space and you won’t open a conversation with her. Even if you manage to get into a conversation with her it’s going to be awkward because you’re not paying attention to what she’s saying. You’re thinking about yourself and wondering what she thinks about you.
If you can’t redirect your attention she’s not going to think anything good. It’s not possible to have a good conversation while focusing on yourself.
It’s the same as riding a motorcycle. When going around a corner or turn you have to look at the direction you’re going, not straight ahead. If you look straight ahead, something called “target fixation” can happen. That could be a disaster.
Motorcyclist who experience target fixation are in danger of crashing. The reason is that the bike will go in the direction you’re looking at. It’s exactly the same as when you’re focused on “not being creepy”. Ironically, you’ll act creepy because it’s where you’re putting your attention.
Here are two big ways you can change your focus.
How to change your focus
1 Focus on conversation
Instead of focusing on yourself, focus on the girl you’re talking to (or want to talk to). This will get you out of the headspace where everything is about you. Then you’ll be learning about her and who she is. What makes her tick, her interest, and whether or not you’re even interested in her in the first place.
She may not be that great so don’t build her up in your head before getting to know her. Looks are deceiving and superficial. Yes, still important but it says nothing about a woman as a person.
Learn conversational skills through practice and especially by becoming a good listener. This way you can repeat back to her what she said in your own words. This lets her know you were listening and understand. It also allows you to build on the conversation. I wrote about how to keep a conversation going here.
It’s one thing to focus your attention where it should be, thereby diverting your attention from where it shouldn’t. But it’s even better when you’re attention is diverted from being insecure because it’s not an issue. Not even a thought.
To do that, get confident.
1) Start talking to women
2) Learn public speaking
3) Take acting or improv classes so you can learn how to communicate (and perform with others watching)
4) Do something that makes you uncomfortable…then do something else that makes you uncomfortable
Training yourself by talking to women, and by taking skills training, you’ll start building experience. Experience will develop competence, and competence will build confidence.
Since you want to meet women that’s going to be number one. Secondary is anything that will train your social skills and ability to handle social pressure, like public speaking.
By facing your fears they will diminish. In psychology this is known as exposure therapy. Through repeated exposures to awkwardness, you’ll soon become comfortable. In the dating world this translates into you not being creepy.
This is the biggest anti-creep pill you could take. Worrying about making women uncomfortable is mostly fear about not being good enough. Could you imagine ‘The Rock’, who was just named “Sexiest man of the year”, talking to women and getting rejected for being creepy? I couldn’t.
Confidence building is a long term project, so commit to the big picture. However, there are a few things you can do to get a burst of courage when you need it.
How to calm nervousness and get a burst of courage
Nervousness can make a fool out of anyone. That’s why it’s important to have emotional control and relieve anxiety when you need to perform.
Here’s what to do when you need the balls to perform:
Be present – It’s not just for people who’ve smoked too much weed. Being present means you bring your attention to yourself. What is your body feeling? How does the sun feel on your face? How about the wind on your skin? What sounds do you hear? Instead of focusing on your fear bring your attention to your senses. This technique can be used anytime you feel stressed, too.
Breath – Also a great way to be present. Deep breaths have an immediate effect on our physiology. It will slow your heart rate and calm your autonomous nervous system. Shallow breathing has the opposite effect, and that’s what happens when we get nervous. Reverse the negative effects of shallow breathing with slow, deliberate breaths that fill your lungs.
Focus on the prize and feel your desires – Instead of thinking about the possible downside, focus on your desires. Think about how great it would be to make a connection with the hot woman who just walked by. Feel it and don’t just think about it. Our emotions are much more powerful than rational thought alone. Next time you see someone you want to talk to feel what it would be like to see her face smiling back at you.
Be a confident man through body language – It’s very hard to feel confident with your hands in your pockets, walking around looking at the ground. The reason being that you’re telling your mind you’re not confident in a sort of reverse feedback loop. By changing your body language you can have direct control over your insecurity. Through regular practice you’ll take on a better state of mind. Stand tall with your shoulders back, never walk around looking at the ground, and take your hands out of your pockets. Also, keep your chin slightly up and look straight ahead when walking. By adopting a confident man’s body language you’ll start feeling like one.
Another way to come across as creepy is by being unable to read others. Pay attention to body language. If she’s moving away don’t move closer. If she leans away, she’s not comfortable. When you learn to read the signs it’s easier to make women comfortable and create a connection. They’ll feel at ease when you introduce yourself.
Body language can be confusing so mostly pay attention to proximity. Discomfort isn’t necessarily bad though. She may be intimidated, the same way we get intimidated by hot women. Just proceed accordingly and let her warm up to you (or walk away).
If you replace your fears with confidence you’ll never have to worry about being “creepy” again.
Many of us go searching for a sort of personal development cornucopia; a source of information or ‘trick’ to make us into better people with better lives. We read books, go to lectures, seek out guru’s, and consume endless hours of self help videos.
Many of us will continue this pattern for years, going through tons of programs and content and in the end, we have nothing to show for it. We get a high from consuming personal development content. It’s almost like we think that just by consuming endless amounts of content or ‘motivation’ that our lives will magically transform.
I did, too. There were so many programs I found online, and so many books I read, but not a single thing changed until I decided to do the work.
That would seem obvious but the human mind is incredible at making excuses and rationalizing inaction.
There’s a certain amount of disillusionment a personal development junkie can expect by looking at the cold, hard facts. The material wealth which was never achieved, the relationships never bonded, and the elite fitness levels we fell short on are a few of the disappointments that will come to light when reality is looked at objectively. That may seem negative but it can be the wake up call we need to change our lives.
Of course, it could also be looked at as, “this doesn’t work” when they reality is that we didn’t do the work.
It’s not that personal development is bad, quite the contrary, but the way we achieve a new standard of life and become amazing people is not by guzzling enormous amounts of information. The way we become stronger men is by doing the work to achieve big goals which were out of our reach when we first decided to go after them. It takes real growth to persevere and make them happen.
“It’s almost like we think that just by consuming endless amounts of content or ‘motivation’ that our lives will magically transform.”
The goal itself is really a secondary achievement. When we test our steel and go through the pain of a metamorphosis, the growth we create inside of us is priceless.
The skills and bravery we develop will carry us to new levels of success which we couldn’t even have imagined before embarking on the journey. Just like climbing a mountain, you cannot see the next peak until you have climbed the lower level first. With each new level you conquer, your confidence, skills, and intelligence will increase accordingly.
The reason why personal development junkies never achieve a high level of success is because they’re focused on making themselves feel good, or motivated, rather than getting anything done. It’s far more comfortable to think about change and dream of better days than it is to work.
Self help junkies will fool their brains into thinking that they have achieved a goal because because of the temporary high from their idea or motivation.
The resulting endorphin rush is the same thing they would have gotten if they had achieved the goal, without all of the dirty work. The end result is a lack of action to turn their motivation into reality because they already got the reward chemically in the brain.
We’ll become bigger, better, and stronger if we do the dirty work and persevere through the tough times when trying to achieve our goals. If all we ever do is read about success and making ourselves into better people, we’ll never become better people. It’s time to wipe that stupid smile off of our faces every time we read something “life changing” and start actually changing our lives through work.
It’s the act of doing something significant which makes life worthwhile, and it’s that experience which will make us better, stronger people.
Keep going through the personal development content but stop imagining and start doing. The high you get from false personal development is killing the life you really want and the person you could be.
Do you know a personal development junkie? Hit like and share with other people who could benefit.
Average Asian guy walks up to hot blond and talks to her
(How to approach hot women)
Here’s a breakdown and critique of one coaching student approaching a woman. He did a great job getting her attention and starting the conversation but had some challenges creating a connection. Watch the full video and check out the breakdown below the video.
When you see an attractive woman and want to talk to her what’s the first thing you should do? Start walking towards her. Don’t even think about it.
The longer you wait, the more excuses you’re mind will create. Not only that, but she’s probably on her way somewhere and could duck into a store or run into her friends at any moment.
Before you get a chance to back out just take a breath, start walking towards her, and focus 100% on opening. Not even the words you’re going to use, just on introducing yourself.
This will keep you from getting distracted by things like “what are we going to talk about?”. That’s not important yet so don’t get too far ahead of yourself.
It’s crucial not to overthink the whole thing. It’s just being social after all, and nothing should be more natural than introducing yourself to a woman. Of course, it won’t feel that way at first but building confidence takes time.
The first thing Derek got right was moving in quickly and not hovering around.
What was good about it
His opening was good.
What he did is what I call a “mini-story”, which is painting a picture by explaining what lead up to you talking to her.
What this does is creates a “hook” or interest point which will grab her attention and compel her to stop and listen. It also builds anticipation or tension because she’s waiting for the climax of the story.
She’ll be thinking, “What happens next?”
This works better than running up and blurting out a compliment. If you do that she won’t have enough time to absorb it and will react by walking away. It initiates a “flight response” similar to what happens when beggars ask for change. That’s exactly the opposite of what you want to do.
People have short attention spans and you need 100% of her attention and interest to make your introduction successful.
Derek painted a decent picture of the scenario.
“Hi…sorry, super random.
I was just walking the other way going to meet my friend for brunch (explaining the scenario)
and you caught my eye.
I had to run back to talk to you, you’re really pretty.” Finishes by telling her why he came to talk to her (the compliment).
Not a “perfect” opener but it doesn’t have to be. She stopped and engaged in a conversation. Mission accomplished. This is why I tell clients not to get in their heads too much because it’s an organic way to meet women and doesn’t have to be perfect. Just grow some balls and show up.
I’ve had some terrible approaches that STILL resulted in dates. A little courage goes a long way in the world of attraction.
Overall his body language was decent. He stood up straight, didn’t have his hands in his pockets and didn’t use any closed body language (arms crossed). These points are important but I’m going to stick to the verbal aspects of this interaction.
How it could have been better
One common mistakes I see “nice guys” make is being overly polite and apologetic.
Derek was apologetic right from the beginning. “Hey…Sorry”. It’s not that being polite is bad, just that being too polite sends the wrong msg.
Think about it.
When was the last time you heard of a guy being SO POLITE that women just couldn’t stay away from him? When was the last time you heard of a woman going home with a guy because he was so polite she just couldn’t help herself?
Instead we hear women complain about the bad boys that they can’t help but go back to, over and over again.
By apologizing to a woman you’ve just met it sends the message that you are insecure and soft. Women want men who are men.
Apologizing right away also shows that you’re putting her on a pedestal. It’s being overly careful not to offend her just as a Queen’s subjects might act. Basically, she’s the boss and you’re one of her underlings. This is the wrong dynamic to create attraction.
What are women attracted to? Authority. Dominance. Power. A boss. When you give away your power as a man you’ve already lost.
The conversation also didn’t create any connection with her. He stuck to banter or “small talk” which not only didn’t get a reaction from her, but it was also very superficial.
If you have a completely superficial conversation it’s unlikely to create a connection. She won’t “feel” any chemistry, and if she doesn’t feel anything then she’s not going to reply to your text messages.
The best way to create a connection verbally is by digging deep into who she is.
Don’t just banter about random topics or what she’s doing. If she tells you what she does then find out why she does that. There’s always a reason, and that reason will expand into a deeper conversation. Not only that, but you won’t have to worry about running out of things to say.
Everyone likes to talk about themselves. Make the topic her, dig deep, and you’ll create “chemistry”.
The compliment was “you’re very pretty” which is not the best compliment that could be used. I like to be as specific as possible. This makes it more personal and shows that you’re not just using some line. If a girl has good style, I’ll comment on that. If she’s really fit I’ll mention it. OR, if nothing really stands out I will use a generic “cute” or “looks nice”. “Very pretty” just rings of something grandma would say.
Asking for coffee, in the form of a statement, is probably the best low key way to ask a girl out. It’s not a big commitment for her and comes across as casual. The mistake Derek made was not specifying that he meant some other time, which lead to her objecting with, “I really have to get going”.
He also asked if she likes coffee which was unnecessary. Just put it out there and don’t worry if she likes it or not. If she likes you, she’ll like coffee.
What can you do?
I used to be extremely shy, suffer from social anxiety, depression and lacked confidence with women. I learned through experience what it took to attract women. Now I teach guys who are predominantly in engineering, I.T. and other professional fields how to meet high quality women.
If you’re interested in meeting attractive women for relationships, would like to build your confidence, and are tired of being shy or suffer from social anxiety, get a free coaching session here.
You’ll learn how to become a better man and overcome any fear.
Here are the main bullet points for this example approach.
Don’t be overly polite
Use specific compliments instead of generic ones (when possible)
Use a “mini-story” at the beginning to grab her attention by painting a visual.
Focus on her instead of random topics.
Dig deep to create a connection and stay away from superficial conversations.
Close by asking for coffee in the form of a statement “Let’s grab a coffee sometime” (future tense)